I have lot to write about. Things that people say that they think are comforting but they are so WRONG, and things that people say that make me go yes, you are right.. But I am not going to write about it yet... I let you all think about something very cruel. Most of you have told me that YOU CAN NOT Imagine loosing y0ur child.. But now think.. If this happens, what you don't want to hear from friends, strangers, family members... DO you want to hear, "She/he is in better place ( I started using this MYSELF, after I heard it from so many people, but I believe it is very WRONG to someone else to say it), do you want to hear, MOVE ON, GET OVER IT? DO you want to hear, THINGS WILL GET BETTER? DO you want to hear -- I UNDERSTAND what you are going through?
I am not saying anything today. I am not going to explain how I feel about comments people say to us today.. Maybe tomorrow.
BUT, I am going to say. Don't tell me she gave up. Don't tell me she was weak.. STOP RIGHT THERE... Once -I let it slide, I just smiled and walked away, second time person who told me this, got a "speech" about You F. bitch kind of speech. .. I have no fear right now. I don't . I am done with BS, and I take no BS. If you get a parking ticket and bitch about it- SO WHAT, Pay it up and move on. ... It is your fault... RIGHT???
Srry. Just have to let it out today..
Missing my Princess Regina.
21 comments:
totally agree with you. I always try to avoid useless comments (not always succeed, tho)- but i couldn`t really think of anything 'right' and comforting to say- words just are SO useless. I wouldn`t know how you all feel, how could i recommend to you to MOVE ON- you`re her mommy... mommys just don`t move on... i don`t know about the better place (it HAS to be a beautiful place, right :)?), but it is a pain-free place and no-one should EVER comment anything negative about her fight- all that she had to go through- she was amazing!
I wish you all all the best :)
I don't have any so called advice. Just want to say, I am sorry. I have been reading for years now, and have grown to care very much for not just Regina, but for you and Nick and Gabriel.
I have heard so many useless, empty words that are supposed to help but instead, they hurt.
So I will repeat it... I am sorry. Sorry for what you are going through, sorry your family has to learn how to live life without being able to hold her or hear her.
And for now, that's it. Just, sorry.
Go on feeling hatred...even after the death of your child. Will you ever learn?
This is absolutely in a favor of your daughter! Don't you think you have done enough with your negative feelings? Consider love in your heart.
Regina has won my heart.
I didn't want to hurt you with the previous comment. But...you have been sharing your story with so many people, who have been taking your sorrow in their heart. It was all your attention and Regina's wish. So, why do you start judging those same people that you have let feeling pain beacuse of your pain and unfortune of your sweet child. Have all those blogs been your shelfish need of admiration?
I don't want to feel that way, so please understand people that all they do, they do for love towards to your family.
As to Regina, those who have left this world, receive sounds and thoughts. There is a study by Elsa Barker about David P. Hodges "Letters from a Living Dead Man" about it. If you open your heart, you will be able to communicate with her. That is true, I know it for myself. If you ask her to come into your dreams, she will. But only if you open your heart. So, please, let love into your heart. We all love Regina, although she is your child only. And that is so much! Don't you think?
Thoughts and words have immense power...
:) Anonymous. :) I have feelings to and I have right to express them IN MY BLOG. I have right to be angry, hate, love, feel sad. I have right to let it out. But thanks.
Please do not let others comments bother you in a negative way. I am sure all of these people have said these things because they honestly do not know what to say. They are truly sorry for what Regina and your family/friends have gone through.... but they are not sure how to express this to you. And they cannot put themselves in your shoes... other than to relate to how they may possibly feel if this happened to their family. But it is no comparison to experiencing it yourself. Like you wrote in your blog, they say some things because they have heard others say it, and do not realize it is hurtful to the family. They do not mean these comments in a hurtful way, they simply do not know what to say, but want to express their sympathy to you.
Maybe you could turn this experience into a positive thing. And instead, followup with a post about why these things are hurtful and give advice on what IS comforting to say to a family that has experienced this. That way, readers, family, and friends, will know what to say if they need to comfort another fmaily that has experienced a loss. It may give some guidance on what is comforting vs. what is not comforting. I honestly feel like most people do not know what to say, and say these things due to loss of words. I know it is probably hard not to take these comments personally, but I do not believe these people mean to come across harsh.
Praying for your family and friends always!
Thank you Katie. I know. But sometimes when you hear one comment after another and another, and another and another. ( I KNOW THEY MEAN GOOD). It is just very , very , very , very hard. I just got a very good flier from O Connor Mortuary, about THINGs People should say and People should keep to themselves. AND YES, I will scan it in later and post it.
I've never known WHAT to say because I think it is selfish to try to share your own grief with someone grieving. I can do nothing, feel helpless, feel like crying when I look at Regina's picture, which is my screensaver on my computer,miss her and didn't even get to meet her, don't know what to do, so I just send you thoughts all the time to let you know someone is thinking of you and hugs and that is what I think is right to do and definitely all I can do. I'm so sorry Diana about others' unthoughtful words. I'm assuming that none of it can make it better. I do know that many people love you and your family though, even though they are maybe saying and doing the things that seem wrong.
I think that whatever one's belief system is, the parents are never in a better place after their child dies.
And that is because that's the way we were made, our brains are hard-wired that way, and for a reason, it's all part of the grand scheme.
I do believe that Regina is somewhere where her beautiful spirit is not betrayed by a failing body.
But only time and love will heal the wounds in the hearts of everyone who loved her.
Hugs to you, mama Tan.
Your correct Diane - Most people don't know what to say and should be educated on it. Please post. I wouldn't want to hear any of those things either. I lost someone close and yes I was angry and had every right to be. And no it doesn't take time to heal. You lost a peice of your heart, your baby. So express yourself and when people don't get it - ignore it - or tell them off which ever works for you. I have done both so I can't preach which is better :) much love
Hello Diana,
I really do not know what to say. I felt hurts and deep sorrow in my heart everytime I look at Regina's pictures. I knew you have every rights to be on your emotional swing when you have something like this happend to your baby. Since many years I have known your family, I tried to stay silent because I do not know what to say.
However I can not help to think Regina is an Angel in heaven now..... maybe because we need this as a healing process..... to be able to believe that she is in good hands and be taking care of is like a way to heal our broken hearts ..... I do not know..... I have been praying for Regina everynight with my two boys and found this is comforting.
Sorry, I am really really sorry.
Keep your love and faith, Mommy of Regina!
-Cherie
Diana,
like many of the ppl have said here, nobody knows your pain right now. I can not even start to imagine. I think that some ppl just want to say something to compfort you. I am sure they didnt mean to be hurtful. You have so many different emotions right now my friend........let them all come out. That is a part of losing a loved one. I have had someone very close to me die.....not a child ...but anyway it was my first husband and when he passed it nearly killed me. I was sad....distroyed almost and after a few days/weeks angry how he could have been taken away from me. Ppl used to tell the the same thing.....he is in a better place now. HELL HE ISNT THIS was the better place for him to be with ME and the ppl that loved him.
I dont see a meaning for somebody to die and being taken away from the ppl that love them. I guess we just learn to accept it is a part of life maybe ? I dont know........I am hurting for you. Only you will know how to live with all this...........but one thing i have learned. Time will make things feel better after a while.......it will NEVER go away. I want to let you know that i will always think of regina as of Santanas friend that we never got to meet.......but i feel like i know her. You are a very strong person and you let it all come out..........those feelings need to come out and i hope ppl will not get angry about that. You LOST a child and we all accept that you will have mixed feelings now......... i am sending you lots of love and hugs Sandra
Hi Diana,
I totally understand what you are saying. And I am sure I am one of the guilty ones who may have said something here or on your Facebook that may have been misconstrued. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say & it's hard to know because everyone is different & everyone grieves differently. So I will say I'm sorry if I've ever crossed that line & hurt you or offended you in any way - it was never intentional. BIG HUGS!!
Ok, I just wanted to make a comment about people who say that she is in a better place now. For god sakes she was only 10 years old! And the BEST place for a kid in that age is in her mommy's and daddy's arms. And that's it!
Hugs,
Maris
Hi, Diana,
The day of the memorial my Facebook status was that I had just been to the memorial for a 10 year old child, and please, God, don't let me ever have to write that again. That expresses how utterly wrong I think it is for you to have lost Regina. (though of course, I know you haven't lost her truly, because she's still part of your memory of her, but you know what I mean - "lost" in the hold-you-in-my-arms sense.)
The service was so lovely that for most of it I felt a sense of rejoicing that Regina had been a part of this world, albeit for too short a time. I felt peace, most of the time. But, but, but, I lost it at the moment (oh, gosh, I'm crying again right now) when you stood at the casket as the cover was closed. NO MOTHER SHOULD EVER HAVE TO ENDURE THAT HELL!!!!!
Dear, sweet Diana, I hold you close in my heart.
Love, Katrina
No idea why anyone would come here and JUDGE the feelings of a mother who has lost a child. It's unconscionable. Diana -- you have a right to your feelings, no matter WHAT they are. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. And this is YOUR blog, you should say whatever you NEED to say, and not feel you need to censor yourself. Screw anyone who does not agree. Whatever you need to do to get through is okay. Your friend and family will support you no matter what.
I previously wanted to say that we all should try to feel more love and positive feelings, because hatred grows hatred, misery grows misery and it is an endless way of sorrow.
Think of mother Theresa, who said: people are always fighting against sth, better fight for sth (she meant: don't fight against war, but for peace. For this example, the word WAR will go on and echo and echo and echo.) ...and that is what i meant - try to see and feel positive feelings. I can only slightly imagine what is to lose child. I had times when I was constantly afraid of sth bad would happen to my children. It was a part of each moment of my time. I couldn't function. So, finally I started to search, and I found studies, that help me to understand the meaning and functions of life. I am not christian, christianity is just one part of a wide study of existence. For me it cannot be reliable, all the more it has been distorted in times in order to keep people under fear. So I think it is irresponsible to say that it was God's will etc. A human being should search for more than just what a church tells. There is an old saying: Search god inside of yourself, if you start searching it outside, you face the devil. God is love, what I believe. And with rigtly devided love we could do so much good for ourselves.
Just a simple pronoun that goes in very many languages and nations: what goes around that comes around. Therefore try to send love from inside of yourself to outer world.
I understand your angry feelings. I have also been very emotional person who have had lot of troubles in my life. Thanks to the books and studies I have been trying to be more positive. Your situation is worse than whatever could be. You have all rights to feel whatever you are feeling. I admire your strengh, I really do. But try to send out positive thoughts, and you will notice in time that positiveness grows positiveness, love grows love. I think Regina would love that. As I told you before, open your heart and she will find ways to communicate you. Remember, what I belive, she really isn't dead. And in some time she will come back to this world, as we all do. This is the circle of the universe. I was telling your story to my best friend, because Regina was in my minds all the time. She told me, Regina learned from this short life more than some with a hundred years. She took her knowledge and continued her trip. This not very comforting for those who left here. I know and I still have fear that how a child could manage alone without his/her family. A child suppose to grow up with parents. I imagined that Regina would meet all the "angels" that she knew before. And maybe it is a bit comforting to know that those who are gone, they don't feel grief, because they have a new life to live. When we are coming into this world, we don't grief. Or do we...? There is a saying that only very young and very old can possess the most profound wisdom. But unfortunately they cannot share that with us, often also with very old ones.
My talk could sound like a lunatic's one. But this is just another point of view to world besides christianity.
Love,
Anonymous
God bless you sis! Thank you for honestly sharing how you feel.
I apologize if I was one who has offended you. :( I've commented a couple of times.
To be honest a lot of people mean well and really don't know WHAT to say.
We wanted you to feel supported even though we may not actually know you and some may actually understand because they have experienced something similar.
Again, I'm sorry if I've offended. I am sure this is a very difficult time for yourself and your family.
I have prayed for you all and as always DO pray that God allows you to be surrounded with TONS of support and love in the many days and years to come.
One more thing... It may not be that people's comments are "thoughtless" and much as they just may feel helpless. :(
For me, my heart beat fast everytime I saw a new post as I felt afraid each time I clicked a link... Scared of what I may be reading.
We try. We are just people. You DO have a right to feel what you do! Anger is a natural part of grief.
It may really hurt people (if you konw they mean well) though to curse them out. :(
But reading this is making me extra cautious on what to say to someone in grief. Maybe this is why in times like this people sometimes keep their distance.
I just pray again and again that the things you all need (like food, supplies, family whom you trust, friends whom you love) are around and able to help your needs be supplied. That if you need to be held they hold you or if you just need to punch a bag or throw stuff that they hand you the dish.
Ohhhhh... i send many HUGS and prayers your way. My heart feels heavy for you guys.
I love you Diana. I think of you so much. As you know I lost my grandmother today but it felt right - she was 83 and had a long life. Regina was a baby. I am a believer in Christ and I still don't get it and feel much peace when I think of them being in a better place. I hope my words haven't been empty. I hope you know it's ok to grieve and be angry and feel anyway you want to feel. It's part of the process. Pretending life doesn't suck at such a time is what's unnatural.
You are a blessing just as you are. Be yourself. I think of you and love you and pray for you everyday.
Oh, all I can say is my heart aches for you and your family. I don't believe a mother can ever get over losing their child or that it will ever get easier. There is a quote that I love, I found it when a friend lost her little girl from asthma. It says,
"Nothing that is loved is ever lost, and no one who has ever touched a heart can really pass away, because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they've been a part."
Do whatever you have to even if it is ranting, screaming, or crying - whatever it takes to get through today. Do it knowing that a lot of people are here for you and while we may not know the pain we can understand your need to express it.
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