Monday, March 29


I miss my man.  I HATE him being away from us on HIS birthday. Birthdays have been THE MOST IMPORTANT "holidays" ever for us,   and ones  that actually mean something. THESE ARE   DATES are not made up by some ST. Nicholas, or Jesus, or   witches... These are ACTUAL DATES we popped out of vagina's .. YES , you heard me right.  hehe..
Anyway, Nick will be 44 on March 31st :D:D:D:D


Sunday, March 28

I want to thank you all my friends who have been here for me and offered their big fat ear  and really listened -- silently:)  I know how hard it is  to listen and not give advise  that may not work. But you managed to do so , and you know who you are :D

We. have couple of really exciting things happening here...  Spring BREAK FOR GABRIEL and ME:) wohoooo.   One week no homework.  ONE WEEK NO WAKING UP 6.15 AM. ONE WEEK OF FRIED SOUTHERN FOOD...Nothing can beat that ??? YES:) We are packing our carry on luggage  and heading to Atlanta, Georgia. Gabriels best friends family lives there, and     I am soooo happy that they invited us  with them to meet S.  Grandparents and uncles and whoever else is there.  I heard that there are lots of chickens and CHicks , so I should feel like I am home.. ( my childhood). And one week of fried foods sound like paradise.  I have not had anything fried for a very very long time.:D:D:D:D:D:D.. Anyway... I am beyond excited. I am  just ready to take this world :)

After that trip, NICK COMES HOME>. Wooo fucking hooooooo.  AND we decided after we got a great recommendation from our next door neighbors, to go to Arizona. We visited Grand canyon once before, but it was before kids. THis time we are taking  Gabriel with us and  we are making  it an adventure.
  We are going to drive there, take train ride, hike, drive back  and enjoy our little family :)(:):):)

 Sure.. during THIS upcoming  spring/ summer we have to find renters to our wonderful  colorful house with awesome view and  location.. Not to mention neighbors ;) WE HAVE THE BEST NEIGHBORS  ever:D

Missing our Princess Regina.. Going to Ice Cream store is painful, GOing to Mall is painful, Going to   Tall Mouse craft store is painful, GOING TO POOOL is very , very  painful.  But I am doing it, because I know she would not want  me to feel sad and  depressed all the time.  I know  she wants me to be best ME ever.  But wherever I go, I carry her with me.  SHe is forever in my Heart. She is constantly in my mind.. ANd I just found out that Gabriel things about her more than I thought he would.

Gabriel has  never been attached to any of his toys, clothes, blankets...  never, ever ever... But past 4 months or so, he can't part of his comforter. He wakes up with it, carries it to our rocking chair, takes it to computer room, takes it to our car. .. eats  lunch dinner and breakfast   being covered with it...  Regina was her security blanket before, ..she liked taking  care of her and being protective of her.. and now he feels very protective of his blanker.:(:(:(:(

I feel so sad for Gabriel :(

I hope you all are having great time and BE YOU :) Don't try to be someone else.   We have enough copycats and  liars . I really want to see MORE YOU people.. " Get Naked" and stop pretending ....



Tuesday, March 23

Oh wow, 3/30  was beautiful day... 6 months since Reginas passing .  Day itself was really , really beautiful. We woke up and headed out to our community Spring party :) Candy, music, food, cupcakes, lots of people :) IT was fun. Also.. 9 years in our community and  within this 9 years we have attended lot of community events. NOT ONCE we won before.. but on 03.30  Gabriel won easter basket with Cars and candy:) ANd we saw cloud heart :) I know Reginas was present in that event. CUPCAKE DECORATING??? ARE YOU FOR REAL??? She can't miss those events. :) ANyway it was awesome sunday :)  and you should have seen Gabriel smile when we won :) HE was soooo happy :)

Wednesday, March 17

I have to admit something...

 Something big, something very serious. And some words may hurt some of you.  I have been avoiding lot of you. Especially those of you who have daughters..  and we used to hang out, do things, fun things, talk, compare..   Everytime I hear some of you say something fun about your daughters  I feel pain.   Every time I see  8,9,10 year old's walking down the street with fun outfits, I see   Regina.  Every time  you brag about how well your daughters are doing, I feel like crying.  And I eventually do. Sometimes I just leave conversation  rudely and come back when I think I can  hold alright conversation..

I  really am doing my best, but  is not as easy as I thought.  I don't think it ever will be. :( I had  great conversations with some of my cancer moms who have lost kids 6-7 years ago, and  at times they still feel like I feel now, and it scares.   I don't want  people to feel afraid to talk about things with me,  and I don't want them to feel   angry at me when I stop them and say. Enough please. ..

 I have been "nesting" in a way, or spring cleaning.  I am freeing myself from things I could not give up because of Regina, because she loves  lot of tiny nick nacks...  And I had looot of those.  few boxes full, well, before shelves full, but now boxes....   Well, in a way, I just try to keep myself busy at home.   Walks, cooking, playing with Gabriel, reading, facebook, photos,  Nick,  lunches dinners with friends,  dancing, and my wine and cheese... :D:D:D:D I also am getting myself mentally ready for China.  2 weeks ago I was not as ready as I am today. Nut I am not ready to sell our house with  horrible real estate market. .. If you think you can  pay 4000 dollars for rent    per month for at least 15 months, this house will be yours ;)  Great location,  awesome views, perfect neighbors:D hehe.

Talk to you soon :)

Friday, March 12


Hei dear Followers :) Thanks for Sticking with me and my messalicious life...hee. Things are not bad, they are just different. Very different. My day may start out so great. HAPPY, smily, danging , working out.. and then.. wa waaa waaaaa.. For example. I am going to grocery store. I get my stuff and head towards cashiers. and then I see DVD... Strawberry shortcake, or BARBIE or Princess DVD. And I feel like letting it out right there... Holding back my tears I proceed to checkout . I place my items to table. Cashier asks me " How are you doing today?" , I look at her, smile and say. I am doing GREAT, how are you doing.... And she tells me. " not the Best morning", but got a do what you got to do... " I just look at her again and tell her. Hope your day gets better...
BUT instead, I wanted to tell her when she asked. " Are you fucking sure you want to know how I am doing? Are you really sure? because if you knew what I have to say, you would not be asking how I was doing after seeing my Daughters fave snacks, dvd/s balloons, books, drinks,... How I was doing.. YOu would be giving me one huuuge hug. Because that is what I need .. right now...

But.. I bite insides of my cheeks, and keep a straight but disturbed face.. I thank them for bagging my groceries, tell them, NO , Idon't need help taking my cart to my car. And see you soon.. .. And I leave and I feel free.. till .... there is something else that reminds me something... something something....
I hate my brain. I hate it. I wish there was easier way to deal with all this. But there isn't and I have to make it work. And I thank my blog and readers for it :) Thank you. For checking in once in a while, leaving inspirational feedback. Sorry , I don't reply to all of you. But I take every message with me, and keep it close to my heart. :)

Tuesday, March 9

Ups and downs,...

( Rainbow over our Community )

. WOW. March. I cant believe that in 10 days it will be 6 months . 6 months is long time for some, but for me time has gone by very fast. I still remember everything like it was yesterday.. I remember it to details. I remember placing my ear against her chest to make sure IT was her last breath. I was hoping NOT,.. but .. I hat to do it second time to make sure my ear WAS placed on her heart.... It was not beating. It was not beating. IT HAD STOPPED BEATING.. I knew that it would happen. I knew, but when it did happen i wished I was magician... I wished I could say 3 magic words and she would wake up and smile like there was no cancer.. IN THIS DIMENSION... In this world, with us. HERE... But things like this never happen.
We all remember our babies first movement in our tummy, first smile, first steps, first tooth, First everything. EVERYTHING.But I also remember everything last... Last thibg she tasted, last outfit, last words-- I love you tooo---, last look in her eyes... last time she took her breath... last.. LAST... I remember last time I touched her.... She was cold.. cold.. I don't want to remember it. It is something that is very hard to erase from my memory. .. But what gives me piece is Seeing her last time in her casket. She looked in peace.. She looked so peaceful..
Sorry readers that I have to drag you down with me. But this is what I feel how I feel. I have lot of good days. LOT of good days, lot of smiles , laughter happiness. Plenty of it, but when good thoughts leave, darkness takes place... and it stays for a while...
Today I was again holding Reginas things, looking at her stash of stickers. SHE loved stickers and crayons. SHE LOVED them. If I gave her sheet of stickers, she would take her scissors and cut them out one by one. She could do it for hours. just cut out stickers. and she stored them in her hannah montana shoe box. at first she did store them at plastic bags, but I told her to put them all at one place, and she did. When she could not cut with her right hand, she would switch over and do it with her left hand... . and I have that box of her stickers. I did give away lot of her cut stickers ,but I still have some. :) It is funny tho think that it gave her joy. Stickers made her smile.. Cutting out stickers was fun :)and crayons were her choice for coloring and drawing:) SHe sharpened her crayons. And again, she could sit for an hour to just sharpen them. And again , she liked doing it:) now and then i get an image of her sharpening her crayons. I usually think about it when I sharpen my lip or eye pencil. ..
aahh.. silly me. I MISS HER SO, SO MUCH.