( Rainbow over our Community )
. WOW. March. I cant believe that in 10 days it will be 6 months . 6 months is long time for some, but for me time has gone by very fast. I still remember everything like it was yesterday.. I remember it to details. I remember placing my ear against her chest to make sure IT was her last breath. I was hoping NOT,.. but .. I hat to do it second time to make sure my ear WAS placed on her heart.... It was not beating. It was not beating. IT HAD STOPPED BEATING.. I knew that it would happen. I knew, but when it did happen i wished I was magician... I wished I could say 3 magic words and she would wake up and smile like there was no cancer.. IN THIS DIMENSION... In this world, with us. HERE... But things like this never happen.
We all remember our babies first movement in our tummy, first smile, first steps, first tooth, First everything. EVERYTHING.But I also remember everything last... Last thibg she tasted, last outfit, last words-- I love you tooo---, last look in her eyes... last time she took her breath... last.. LAST... I remember last time I touched her.... She was cold.. cold.. I don't want to remember it. It is something that is very hard to erase from my memory. .. But what gives me piece is Seeing her last time in her casket. She looked in peace.. She looked so peaceful..
Sorry readers that I have to drag you down with me. But this is what I feel how I feel. I have lot of good days. LOT of good days, lot of smiles , laughter happiness. Plenty of it, but when good thoughts leave, darkness takes place... and it stays for a while...
Today I was again holding Reginas things, looking at her stash of stickers. SHE loved stickers and crayons. SHE LOVED them. If I gave her sheet of stickers, she would take her scissors and cut them out one by one. She could do it for hours. just cut out stickers. and she stored them in her hannah montana shoe box. at first she did store them at plastic bags, but I told her to put them all at one place, and she did. When she could not cut with her right hand, she would switch over and do it with her left hand... . and I have that box of her stickers. I did give away lot of her cut stickers ,but I still have some. :) It is funny tho think that it gave her joy. Stickers made her smile.. Cutting out stickers was fun :)and crayons were her choice for coloring and drawing:) SHe sharpened her crayons. And again, she could sit for an hour to just sharpen them. And again , she liked doing it:) now and then i get an image of her sharpening her crayons. I usually think about it when I sharpen my lip or eye pencil. ..
aahh.. silly me. I MISS HER SO, SO MUCH.