February..
It is weird. I remember 2, 3, 4 February's that Regina and I spent in hospitals. Drawing pictures ,making hearts, cutting out hearts... At first I feared it. I feared february, like I feared November, December.. But , I am starting to like it. I love finding hearts she drew, I LOVE finding postcards in drawers, in her closet, In her make up box. It makes me smile. I remember last february and CHLA.. Heart she made.. I still have it :) yes, I love February.


Things have been alright around here. Gabriel is a great student in LNES, once in a while he does get a lover score, but then I give him a serious speech about.. WTF where u thinking?? HOW MUCH IS 8X9 again... JUP.. it is 72. NOW, for 72 hours you are not allowed to play WII.. hhihihihiii.. lol. AND then, screaming starts , like I am about to murder him. I just stare at him and tell say... EVERY minute u cry without any serious reason I ADD an hour... HE SCREAMS even more. for about an hour. then he comes to me asnd says.. CAN I REad a book for an hour so you can take few of those minutes away??? hahaha... I just tell him. YES you can, BUT, you have to stop asking in every 4 minutes.. HOW MUCH MORE TIME DO I HAVE LEFT???

Gabriel is super cool.. :):):):)
TOnight he asked me about REgina. Few questions. HE wanted to hear story about when Gabriel was born and we brought him home from hospital.. REgina was very upset. she started crying ( at 22 months) and told us to Take Gabriel back to hospital... SHE was really, really , really upset. SHe cried, and cried, and cried . But then she got used to Idea that Gabriel is not going away, and she was fine ever sense... Every time I tell this story to Gabriel he starts laughing. He thinks it is super funny. He asks WHy Regina did not like him... I told Gabriel, you were tiny wrinkled screaming and stinky thing... WHy do you think she did not like you at first. hehe... That makes Gabriel laugh even more... hehe..
I love seeing Gabriel happy:) He gets very creative and imaginative when he is happy. I don't have to force him to do things he does not really like to do.. HE just does them without complaining... ..


ANyway., things are ok. Nick is finally coming home. I miss him. I really do. I have not seen him since January 1st. It is very hard , since it is NEW year for us and NEW beginning for us. I just hope that from now on everything gets better and better :)

2010

I am sorry I have not updated for a while. I can't seem to bring myself writing down what I am feeling or how I am feeling or how I am dealing with my feelings. SOmetimes I don't even know how I feel. I just go with the flow. I wake up, I do what I have to do and rest of the day I just sit and do nothing. No talking till 2.05... Texting once in a while, phonecalls once in a while, dinners with awesome supporters and friends once in a while. But I choose to stay quiet and calm and I enjoy silence. I enjoy peace. I enjoy hearing sing chirping or wind blowing . I enjoy hearing hail and rain hitting my rooftop middle of the night. I enjoy hearing cars driving by . I enjoy wondering what will my life be in few months....


ESTONIA- Christmas in Estonia was awesome, amazing experience.. I can not believe that our whole family was togehter. ( almost... REgina RIP and my stepdad who i never met)... BUT.. anyway.
My sister and his boyfriend, Nick and I and Gabriel, My mom and stepdad, My brother his gfriend , son and daugher my sisters boyfriends sister and mom... and 2 random village people who decided to show up and amuse us..
FOod was great, people were great and I was happy... ANd again I decided to be quiet. I wanted to hear what people were talking, laughing about, smiling about. I wanted to hear so I can learn how to be happy again. I can look happy outside, I do things that make me happy, but I don't feel it.
I feel enormous emptiness in me .. JUST like before I had kids. I felt like I NEEDED to have kids to fill that hole. ANd I did ... Now I feel like I failed to deliver. I feel like I did something wrong. I keep wondering- what I have to do to fill this empty hole with honest deeds so it will mean everything ot me... to my family and to my friends. .. I want to take my first step towards healing, but how do i know when it is right time...


I miss my Princess REgina and I see her everywhere... SHe left a lasting mark to my heart.. and I dont' think this mark will be ever erasable,

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU :):):):)

Estonia was A M A Z I N G :) WINTER was just what I needed. Cold, crisp, icy , magical. At times i was in awe and thought that I am in some sort of beautiful fairytale :) And I did not want that fairytale to end. I love snow. My family family hated it, but at times when I had to go to Sauna ( about 50 steps from one building to other, I DID NOT WEAR SHOES . uuuppsss.. hehe. I just wanted to feel cold icy snow under my feet, and then run to hot sauna and sweat , sweat , sweat .. Luckily I managed to stay healty for that 3 weeks there ( only one really bad hangover but that is it). ..

Yes. It was nice visiting family, seeing friends I wanted to see, party, Travel to sweded.. My looovely husband decided to surprize me .. YES, Since he is US citizen now he does not need visa to get into Estonia.. So day before christmas MY SISTER , who lives in tallin walks in and YELLS WE PICKED UP A HITCHIKER ... I'm like.. um.. ok.. and when I finally saw who IT WAS, I had no words to say.. I just started laughing. I had not expected him to show up.. But sadly I was a total bitch about him taking me away from ESTONIA, and he hates me for it ;(:(:(:(
BUT he did surprize me.
We spent our 11th anniversary in Board of Cruisehip Baltic queen that travels between Estonia and sweden. It is all night cruise and it has about 900 cabins. CLubs, restaurants, fun for kids. etc.. In sweden we went to Northen Sweden Delsbo to visit Nicks friends family ( they used to work together in sweden Ericson... Designing some Chips I guess.. ;) ) It was nice visiting their family. They have amazing farmhouse and 2 lovely kids. Gabriel loved the fact that Their Daughter spoke english :):):) .

On First of january, Gabriel and I flew back to Estonia and stayed til 7th. Nick stayed to Sweden, visited more friends, and finally flew to Beijing. BUT in Beijing was a huuuge snowstorm, and he had to stay to Arlanda airport for few extra hours.

My trip back to US did not go so smoothly ether. On 7th I flew to Sweden to find out that my British Airways trip to London WAS CANCELLED... AAAAAHHHHHH. I was pulling my hair out. Running around , trying to find out what can I do.. Finally I was guided to TICKETING WINDOW, where only 1 person was working, and there were about 50 people on line... I was told this line was about 80 people long 5 hours ago... .. SO we stood on line and waited, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours.. almost 5 hours. ANd finally it was our turn.. We found out that there were no flights leaving on that day, but they can put me on a next day flight.. SAME number, same route.. ( Of course free) I TOOK IT... Then I started panicking. OMG, what's next? WHat am I going to do now?
Now back to cruise ship. On that ship I met one of my old friends. EVE and her family. It was TOTAL SURPRISE. I did not expect to meet anyone I know there. BUT I DID. and I am so thankful for it. We exchanged numbers and they told me that If I am ever in sweden call them..

BUT of course I had to find a payphone to use. I don't know how to use pay phones.. ARE U SERIOUS? ME AND MY iPHONE ARE like best buddies. But since I DID not have AT&T in sweden . I had to learn to use payphone..lol. I went to info. SHowed them number I HAVE and asked, so what do I have to dial to get to them... And I got what I needed...

They advised me to take Express train from Airport to Central Station . ( it is about 20 minute train ride). I DID IT!!! 3 HUUUGE suitcases, Gabriels bag and my laptop bag and my purse. YES.. I HAD MY LUGGAGE WITH ME:) Gabriel was awesome help and helped me wheel suitcases :):):) He was very excited to take trainride so that is why he was so helpful..

Finally on grand central I called them again and met them there :):):):) THAN GOD FOR HELPFUL FRIENDS. I AM so lucky.
Maarika gave me her car to use in Estonia, My mom did not yell at me that my STUFF in her small house was everywhere, and Friends who I have not seen for Y E A R S lend a helping hand :):):) We celebrated:) AND OF COURSE MAIRE, who picked me up from LAX and drowe me home :):):):):)
Next morning Eves husband drowe us to airport and voilaa;) We made it. But of course Airport in England had some extra security mesurements and EVERYBODY entering our flight ( almost everybody) were doubble checked, . In some weird way they did not check Gabriel and I. We were told to sit down and wait till gate opens.. !!
This is general post. As time goes by I will post more about what I did :):):):)

6pounds heavier and happier... .Back in CA :):):):) THank you Maire for Picking me up from LAX and taking me home :):):) SO tired. Updates in near future :)
LOVE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL :):):)

I had awesome time with My friend Maarika and Her family. I am sure they are happy I am finally packing my stuff and moving out ( 3 suitcases, and 2 large carry ones').
Today we are driving to beautiful Estonia Countryside. It is about 350 Km from Northen Estonia ( yup, it only takes 4 hours to travel from one end to Estonia to another end. :)

Gabriel is doing pretty good. I noticed that he is actually picking up some estonian. last night one of the kids asked from him in Estonian, what is his name, and he said. My name Is Gabriel :) SO cool :)

I am not sure when I will be able to update. If I get free Wifi in southern Est, I can do direct Iphone updates but if not, then just hope that our trip is awesome :):):):)
Lots of love
From Tans :)

In Estonia

We made it here . Our trip was uneventful. We had to transfer twice, and that was the most excitement we had in a while. Since our flights were delayed one hour everywhere, WE HAD TO RUN and always made it on last minute, ( or so we thought) and when we were told that flight is delayed, I just rolled my eyes and went AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH...

Estonia is Beautiful. In Tallin is not much snow, but last night it was about 23-25 C cold. It is very cold, but I love it. I absolutely love it.:)
Gabriel is super happy. In a weird way he thinks he is superman and does not need to wear winter clothes. HE wants to run out to play without his hat, or mittens... Very stubborn boy :)

I am wishing you Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas whatever you prefer ;)

Lots of love from Tans:)

I am so excited, I can not hide it...

I really can't:) I known since beginning of November that I am going to spend Christmas in Estonia :):):) SO today I finally called my parents and let them know. They seem pretty excited also.
We are leaving on Wednesday , the 16th. Red EYE flight for LAX. And we will return on 7th Of January 2009. This time we will travel with our beautiful blue US passports. NO more Green cards :)
My suitcases are packed. ( 3 of them), and Gabriel has his carry on almost packed, and I have to pack my Cameras and laptop, but everything else is P A C K E D:) I am little sad to leave "Regina" behind. I would love to take her with me, but I guess , she need a break from me .. hehehe:)

U ask what I am planning to do there? Enjoy some really cold weather, Drink lots of alcohol, eat traditional holiday foods and have fun. I know It will be hard, since Estonia is small, and REginas footprints are everywhere. But I can do it. I am not sure How I will handle flying this time. I LOVE FLYING. I love airports, and chaos in airports. I have been told that flying first time without your loved one, will be very emotional .. I know I will cry for few hours.. But right now , every day for me is taking new steps. .. New steps to the places I fear going, but I am doing it anyway. . SO , YES. I AM GOING TO ESTONIA :):):):)

About new steps. . TOday, I finally went to AAA and returned Reginas Handicap placecard. It was very for me to do so. It only took about 15 seconds to place it on the countertop, but while doing so, I had flashbacks of each time I had to park in handicap section, pull out her little wheelchair and wheel her around. At that time her whole " life in wheelchair" flashed.. I remembered each time. and after I left aaa , I just sat in my car for couple of minutes and cried .

(((I miss her )))
If I don't update before, I just want to wish you all Merry Christmas and happy New Year. But I am sure I will get couple of more chances to update. :)):) SO I will be wishing you Happy holidays many more times ;)

Love

Diana