:D:D:D:D:D

7 More minutes before 2012 kicks in...

DOn't waste your life pickering over  small thing, see the big picture :) You all deserve it ...

kisses and hugs... or... XOXOXOXOXO


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Tans..

Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays :)

Wishing you all the best holiday season ever :)  We are  not doing anything special. It is 24th of December here in CHina already,and at this moment Nick is at work :) Yup:) Saturday , and he is working hard.

Gabriel is lying on the floor, on a red lambskin and is playing his DS:)
You can guess twice what I am doing.. Haha. Right you got it. RIght now I am typing this blog  but same time I am  checking my meal.

We had talked that most likely we will eat dinner somewhere  in Restaurant, but  since Nick is working , I decided, what the heck. I am just  going to make something for us :) So Tonights dinner will be Roasted Pork hock,  pan roasted potatoes with lots of garlic, simple salad with  mandarine vinaigrette ,  Pan fried salmon with white wine reduction and sauerkraut.

I also scored glogg( mulled wine) from Ikea and after dinner we will be watching Home Alone2 and opening our gifts :) I know it will be great evening :)

 I dreamed of Regina couple of nights ago, she was just smiling at me and that was it :)
Merry Christmas Angel Regina :) We miss you . Rest in Peace :)

Happy Holidays:)

My Beautiful kids singing Karaoke few years ago:) Right now I look at this video and smile that I had these moments with them. I miss Regina and her spunky personality :) I know That she would be most amazing 12 year old most amazing purse collection and her own recipe book full of pictures of her favorite foods :)

Gabriel is amazing 10 year old. He is into so much right now. he enjoys tennis, plays piano and drums. He want's to learn guitar next, since ukulele is way to easy for him .

He is also getting into singing and when he plays familiar tune on piano , he sings out loud when he thinks no one is listening to him :)

I love my kids. :)

I hope you all are having great holiday season. I am not so much into Christmas this years. I haven't written a single card this year. I haven't really shopped gifts, since everything is overpriced here and it makes no sense to buy 70 dollar lego, that is 35 dollars in USA. Gabriel did write to santa and he said he wants to have WARM blanket and warm pillow, since it is very cold in hangzhou ( he is right). Our apartment does not have central heating, and it gets cold in here when tiny heating boxes are not turned on... Today I walked into master bedroom and temp in there was 9C. I usually turn heat of in the room I am not in, so ... yeah.. It is cold in here.

It is interesting to see how his wishes have changed. I am sure if we were in US , he would have asked for latest game, or gadget... :)

Talk to you soon :) ANd enjoy this video :)

Thanksgiving

Second Thanksgiving in asia is almost here. Last year we celebrated in Beijing with Nicks  friends, this year we are in Hangzhou and  I feel already guilty. Why you ask? BUT because  I can't invite all the people I want into our tiny apartment:( I made some great friends here and  I can only invite about half of them :(  I WANT TO CRY OUT LOUD:(    Since we don't have double owen I am struggling to make everything come out same time :(
I will be making turkey , gravy, stuffing, green beans,  MY potato salad, Mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, apple pie, some other pastries.   And few not so traditional foods but "fan" favorites like kotlett, sour kraut ( because I am not sure where we are going to celebrate christmas), snitslid,  4 cheese surprise and other last minute stuff..
We also ordered turkey number 2 from Eudora station( local western restaurant), because I strongly feel  that one can never have to much turkey  :)

I also made some bread crumbs  today for shnichels, ( crusted fried pork), and  asked my ayi bring me some organic sweet potatoes from her family farm. .

I am excited about Thanksgiving, but like I said sad. I WANT everybody to come, but I can't fit  40 kids and 2 adults in this apartment :(  ..

 Everybody always asks what are we thankful for?  This year my answer is easy. I am thankful that we have each other and willing to work on our problems . I am thankful that Gabriel is happy and healthy 5th grader and shows interest in so many things.  I am thankful that he has passion and wants to be happy :) I am thankful , that we are are truly happy right now, and I have not been able to say this for a long time :)

I am wishing you all happiness during this Thanksgiving season..

Rest in Peace Princess Regina Melody Tan. I am thankful that I had wonderful 10  years with you , and you thought me so much about NOT GIVING UP!!! I know you are watching down on us and smiling:)


PS... xoxoxox all my friends near and far. I am thinking of you constantly . I just haven't figured out a great way to keep contact with yo all.
LOVE

xoxoxo

Stillness speaks.

@ Maya bar in hangzhou

After Watching Oprahs Lifeclass on line I  started to read book "Stillness Speaks". FOr a while I have been trying to find the right book to read that speaks to me and   I am on same page with it. I failed in the past miserably. I feel like Oprahs show started on Right time  because whatever she was speaking in her show made sense. EVERY Lifeclass I watched  thought me something new about myself because  I was exactly the person who needed to be in there , right then ,,and right now...
While reading this book, I found myself  sad that I have forgotten about the person I really am. I have become someone else who does not like me. I have built up walls so high that when thinking about breaking them down  will scare me a little.  What if I become vulnerable again? What if history repeats? What if ... BUT I have to be the bigger person and start taking little steps here and there and I am willing to learn and starting to let go...

... Following "lesson" is from Stillness speaks...

Do you experience frequent and repetitive drama in your close relationships? Do relatively insignificant disagreements often trigger violent arguments and emotional Pain?
At the root of such experiences lie the basic egoic patterns: The need to be right and , of course, for someone else to be wrong; that is to say , identifications with mental positions. There is also the ego's need to be periodically in conflict with something or someone in order to strengthen its  sense of separation between "me" and the "other" without which it cannot survive.
In addition there is the accumulated emotional pain from the past that you and each human being carries within, both from your personal past as well as the collective pain of humanity that goes back a long, long time. This "pain-pody" is and energy field within you that sporadically takes you over because it needs to experience more emotional pain for it to feed on and replenish itself. It will try to control your thinking and make it deeply negative . It loves your negative thoughts , since it resonates with their frequency and so can feed on them. It will also provoke negative emotional reactions in people close to you, especially your partner, in order to feed on the ensuing drama and emotional pain.

How can you free yourself from this deep- seated unconscious identification with  pain that creates so much misery in your life?

Become aware of it. Realize that it is to not who you are, and recognize it for what it is: Past pain. Witness it as it happens in your partner or in yourself. When your unconscious identification with it is broken, when you are able to observe it within yourself, you don't feed it anymore, and it will gradually lose its energy charge.

.....

 I am trying, really hard... And i hope that one day I will get there, better sooner than later :)

November.

Oh, Happy Halloween to you all.  IT was one of favorite holidays for REgina, since she could dress up and act all silly :)

Lot of time has passed since my last post.  I want to thank you all who thought about us, and  sent us notes and emails telling us that they think about Regina and us:) Thank you :) We appreciate it.

..We still live in Hangzhou and are blessed with the worst landlord there is.  We think about moving  as soon as possible, but since our contract ends in June I believe, we are stuck here and have to make it work.  Our apartment does not have central heating, and I am already scared about winter. Night are getting cooler and cooler, and with no time I have to turn on our tiny heater box that is on the wall.   And drink lot of lemon, ginger tea with touch of honey .
I have to stop complaining. My life is fabulous. I get to experience world and great fantastic memories with loved ones, but I still find something to complain about.  There is always something that bugs me, and I am working hard on me to make me better.  I don't know if I made any progress , but I  feel like  one step at a time, and one day I will find me.:).
..

Gabriel is doing Great in his new school. China has made him more independent,  and he loves it .  In school he is doing much better than last year. he is MATH genius  and very proud of it :)  HE also takes tennis lessons, and is very proud of what he as accomplished within past couple of months. For a while he wanted to be President of United States of America, but he decided that it is not such a great idea, since it seems like lot of work. haha.

Boracay, Philippines.

..
Nick and I...
It's complicated, we are working on our relationship and it is hard.  Whoever said marriage is easy  never most likely tried to work on it.  Sometimes it looks like we made progress  and sometimes we stumble because I can't keep my eyes half shut.. We have discussed divorce, many times and who knows what next year brings. Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces,  not put a blame on each other for our own failures and see where next year takes us.  We are 2 very different people with same goal..happiness and we are trying to figure out how to  get there ..

We also travel a lot here in Asia. This year we visited Taipei for  few days because Nick had  to attend conference there. We also spend amazing week in Philippines.  I would love to go back there and soak in warm , salty blue water. Stare at blue sky and  forget that there is real world somewhere....
I also want to start writing little bit more. I lost it for a while. Nothing made sense and I want  things start making sense again. :)

...

The other day I was watching Oprah  Lifeclass and in the end of the show She tea poem by Derek Walcott. It  was exactly what I needed  to start look even more into me. :)

I hope you all are having an amazing year, and don't let fear paralyze  you.




Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Happy Birthday Princess Regina.

Forever 10 , forever in our Hearts!

  2 years have passed since we last held  her.. .

xoxoxoxo