Tuesday, August 31

See You all In Beijing...

 Yes.. Couple of more days, and I will be out of here. House has not sold, or leased, and I actually think that Realtors are getting kind of lazy marketing our house... Anyway... I am leaving and feel super sad.:(

I am keeping our HOME phone number via Vonage-- so if you call us 1 949 916 5098 - then you don't have to pay any extra charges-- Just like you called us before.:D  ANd we can chit chat -- IF INTERNET is up and running ;)

 I still can't believe that it will be 1 year on September 20th without my Beautiful Princess Regina.     Wherever she is I hope she is happy...  Well, I know she is...<3

  I can't believe I am still up and running, I can't believe that I am managing to  wake up every morning, make my coffee, work out and  enjoy my daily  activities. ...   Every day I have moments of weakness, and  during those very vulnerable moments I find myself   wondering- Why I  am   having these meltdowns when no one is around to see  it, Why I almost never have them when people talk about Regina, or want me to share stories of her? Why is it  that when I AM COMPLETELY alone, and in need of major pity party   there is no one around? I don't try to be strong, I don't try to impress people with my -- OH , LOOK AT ME, I am doing good...... I REALLY AM, most of the time -- but again, when I do need shoulder to cry on-- I usually just hug my pillow and pat myself  on my shoulder, telling me-- TOmorrow will be better day... and then tomorrow  arrives... and  same old, same old...

Life without My favorite girl is Challenging... Miss her to pieces..


Friday, August 20

I really want to complain about how unfair it is to sellers to "fix Up" house 200% before selling it.  Before people are putting their houses up for sale, they are doing MAJOR 200 000 dollar Remodelling jobs in our Area.  I find it ridiculous.  I just don't get it. I have to guess  what people like and then do it their way-- WHAT if I have about 40 showing. Everybody likes different things-- One think is great , they all like our floorplan and view... BUT then  it starts---  Color is wrong, granite is wrong, floorings are wrong, uuhh, we don't have enough bathrooms( 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms-- REALLY?), Window coverings are wrong,  Kitchen cabinets are wrong color, Neighbors have dogs,  Not close enough to LA, or San diego, or Laguna beach, NO ocean views with this price,  To much stainless steel,  oh, not enough upgrades for this price...

I don't get it? YOU are buying a house .. YOU get it , YOU change it.  DOn't complain about MY taste level. After all it was my home first, and now come in with an open mind and  see it as "YOUR HOME" with your things in it??
I blame it  to US REaltors and their stupid demands.  THey created THIS situation.  I am sorry if I am wrong, but yes.. they did. I understand keeping my house clean and clutter free. No biggy. BUT please don't  "hint" me  that I should do this and this and that, so YOUR JOB GETS EASIER...
Anyway.  I really needed little let it out today.


YES:D Book that I co-wrote with Helen Eelrand is available in Estonia now. IT is about Regina and her life with Cancer, and  how life is with cancer patient. SADLY --- It is NOT in english, and lot of people have asked me about it. I am not really sure how it works IF I translate it into English- where to turn, who to talk .. etc.

Also, all Proceeds are going to CHildrens Hospital of Tallinn , In Estonia.       Their foundation will use this money to buy chemotherapy drugs to children.  I am finally doing something right. So thankful for Fookus Meedia in Estonia for contacting me  and shooting me this great idea :D

In Estonian book is Called- REGINA, Mu Imekaunis Voitlejanna. If I have to translate it into English then it is called- Regina , My Beautiufl Fighter


We Miss you Regina:D

Wednesday, August 18

Tomorrow  is August 19th... On September of 19th Regina would have turned 11.....   So many of you don't get it..  you think it is all in my head. I am paranoid, I am just making things up.....  I am "emotional"without any relevant reason....
It was just   11 months ago , when Regina passed away.. I can't believe how fast people forget ..

I Was there in AUGUST for here, we all were... I remember   her glassy eyes, and her irregular breathing and heart rate... I remember her not  responding to me when I told her I love her and how much I miss her.. I remember singing her and holding her hand and not getting any response from her.  I remember her smell and warmth ....  I remember how devastated I was not being able to help her... I remember it all...

and now it is all coming back to me... memory by memory.... and it hurts .

I miss My Baby Regina so much  .. I want to talk about  all the time.... And I do..I talk  to myself...when nobody is around..

RIP Regina Melody.....

Monday, August 9

Dreams :D

I am so weird.  Life is weird. I thought I am going to go crazy  alone, but I love my alone time.  REason why I love it so much is--- Guys are gone, house is still here and mine, I don't have 8-5 job. House is never messy, Refrigirator  only has vegetables  and liquor in it..  IF I feel like it I just take off and do my thing. If I want I go to beach  and I don't have to get people ready for 2 hours. I take my towel and I AM DONE!!!!  With Nick and gabe-- Take this, and that, and toys, and different sunscreens, and  snacks and then hear hours and hours worth of complaining.. etc... OIH...

SO anyway- I so deserve MY TIME!!!! I am very happy with MY time, my  life right now.  It is all about what I WANT TO DO FOR A CHANGE :D:D

   Other than that I am pretty ok. I miss my Princes like crazy.. By now We would have already shopped for her Bday dress, and bought all dishes and plates, and put together Menu for her party.  I miss her beautiful smile  and cute giggles.  I miss her temper tantrums and " I DON'T like you mommy. I miss   her smell...  I really do.  Her warm touch, her heartbeat, her fuzzy hair, her brown and wise  eyes,  her jiggly belly,  . I miss her so much It is hard to describe the pain I am feeling when I see her favorite things...

I miss her having fun with Her BFF H.

 Most of the time I am doing pretty good, but there  are times when people mention something that meant lot to me, but NOTHING to them , and they talk about people who I CARE a lot about, and respect a lot, but  they say negative things about...  Anyway. This  life is fucking messed up.   ANd I am part of it. I have my role in it.  THis circle of Life is not circle at all. It is maze with  different routes, and when we take wrong one  or are assigned wrong route, we have to deal with it... BUT I DON't WANT TO :(    I wan't to smell the flowers and enjoy it...

Much love to you all.