Sunday, October 11

I need some AIR....


I am not even sure what bothers me the most. Most about me, most about REgina not being here, most about life. This all still seems like a one big joke to me. Very cruel joke. Very emotional joke...
I have been doing lot of thinking and I found answers to couple of important questions. ANd I have been talking about those few feeling with my friends.. Anyway.
Day to day bases I still hear from people, and people are still walking up to us and say how sorry they are. And they wish there is something they can do. :) Like one of my previous post made few of you really upset I want to clarify something.. I am not perfect. I am me. I am living breathing things who has feelings. Lately I did not understand this about me. WHY did I get so angry at everything, and some of you may think that I am angry at you.. NO. That is not the case at all. I don't hate you . I don't hate you walking up to us and telling how sorry you are.. I HATE sometimes how simple heartfelt words make me feel. Sometimes they make me feel angry, sometimes, simple "I am here for you " makes me cry, sometimes I have no feelings at all. Anyway, I just need time.. AND Again, There is no hate in me towards you. I HATE my hateful feelings. ANGRY feelings... And I can't do anything to make it better. Don't tell me to take drugs or seek professional help. If I can't help me , Nobody can. But I have a good feeling that one day, I learn to manage( lie) about my feelings, and can enjoy life without guilt :)

Other thing is.. I was just driving to LA yesterday, and I had lot of thinking time. LOT OF. Anyway.-- I had full makeup on, My nails done my dress on, pink shoes, I was wearing the cutest necklace ever ( Thank you friend". I was feeling amazing. I actually felt really cute at that moment.. I was driving to Evening with the Stars, A benefit for The Desi Geestman Foundation. I knew that this night was going to be emotional for me because Desi passed away 10 years ago.. ANd I just lost REgina .. And Ileana was the one who helped REgina to get a part in My SIsters Keeper...
And As I was driving I just started crying. ALl I could think was- Regina never saw my cute pink shoes. SHe would have loved my shoes, she would make a comment like - ONE DAY when I grow up Can I have your shoes? ANd I know She would have enjoyed going there and taking photos and posing.. I tried to pull it together. Wiped off my giant salty tears and turned on Radio.. AND OF COURSE Reginas latest fave song was on again-- TAILOR SWIFT LOVESTORY... And I could not pull it togehter.. I cryed few more minutes.. And started thinking more... About different things... Our social worker ( trinity Kids care), send Gabriel book about Lifesycles. To be honest I did not like that book very much. It was too general . But as I was driving and thinking It just appeard to me out of a blue that WOW, REGINA actually had a full life. She was born, SHE went to school, she had a job, she had her first paycheck, paid her taxes got a tax return and peacefully passed away. Regina lived her dream. ANd with our help she had everything one 10 year old would ever wanted to have. ( Crap, she did dream about Iphone and laptop for this Christmas)... but you see what I mean... Reginas LIFE was THE LIFE. Within her lifetime she showed us that IF we do what we really want to do we will be better and happier people. ANd I was happy taking care of her. :) Even though She lived her life to THE MAX, it does not take MY pain away. IT does not take away my sadness and tears. I still MISS her. And I will always miss her and carry her in my heart.... ..

Anyway, back to Desi Geestman foundation event. I got there 20 minutes early and saw Ileana righ away. I gave her scrapbook that I created with all the photos from My sisters Keeper set ( NO I did not take photocopies of that scrapbook). AND when Ileana gave e one hug, I just started crying again. But I managed to pull it together. Got my VIP wristband and went to see what's up :)
OMG. Ileana and her Team did such a wonderful job pulling this event together. Lighting, music, people, food, drinks. Emotions:) Hugs, smiles.. It was night to remember. :) I was sitting on table 23 WITH band named International Farmers. They do reggae music. Fun , young awesome artists :) Well.. After food was served and people finished eating it was time to meet and greet Celebrities . There was about 20 something Soap Opera stars. I Don't watch many soaps, but I did take pictures with 3 "Big Guys" :)
Ted King( General Hospital), Ken Davitian ( fat guy on Borat), and AND AAAAANNNNNDDDD Ronn Moss ( The bold and the Beautiful).

While I was looking around to find some people I KNOW, My EYE stopped on one blond very energetic lady. I was looking at her and thinking. I KNOW HER, I am not sure, from where, BUT I KNOW HER... So hour passed.... Finally I walked up to her and asked... "excuse me, did you Volunteer in CHLA??).. And she said yes. She was all dressed up, and make up was done, and hair was flowing... ANyway, her name is Elizabeth MacDonald, and she was one of our favorite volunteers in CHLA, and I was not expecting to see her in this event, since mostly it is about City Of HOpe hospital... But We did meet once again, and I Told her That Regina had passed away.. Was not easy thing to do... I teared up again... She hugged me, and she gave me her card... And that was it for that moment...
But when I was about to leave, ( 9.45PM ) I saw her once again, and I told her, I have to take off now.. ANd Take care.. BUT, She was next to Ridge Forrester - ( Ronn MOSS), from Bold and the Beautiful, and everybody was taking pictures with him. I think he IS te biggest soap star ever. I was already crying , and then Elizabeth said.. to Ronn.. I want you to meet someone special who just lost her daughter to Cancer.. ANd this time I lost it big time.. Like Major Drama big time. I think I was even shaking a little because I just felt this intolerable pain inside... Ronn just wrapped his warm welcoming arms around me, gave me the BIGGEST warmest hug, kissed my hair, and said something... .. ... And I wiped my tears and Thanked him for being part of such a great organization and then we took a photo.. And to be honest.. IT was perfect ending to a perfect event... Thanks again EliZABETH...
Sadly I had to drive back to Placentia ( Gabriel was at Maire and Steves house, second night in a row for a sleepover), and I could not drink ... ( I had 2 oz of wine, and that was it :( )
Steve made the biggest Sunday Morning breakfast... SPICY Omlette, and Pancake and it was YUMMOOOOO.

On Friday Night I went out With "my Girls". Went and did some CLubbing @ King King ( house club).

Today, Gabe and I and Xochitl family went to see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs ( 3D,) and I am about to leave my house to have dinner with Beth and Heather :) I am happy I have things to do.. But there are days I NEED SOME AIR.. I can't breathe. ANd on other days I am happy as Can be. These feeling are not so new to me, but Right now I am more aware of them.. Trying to control them , but I just need more time. :)

(( HUGS TO YOU ALL) AND don't be scared of me.


Deborah Estelle said...

You are beautiful! Again thanks for sharing with us things in your innermost life.

You are you and entitled to your feelings. They, as with all of us, vary and this is okay.


Anonymous said...

d have known you were at Steve and Maire's. I would have loved to stop by and say hello. Sounds like a wonderful the picture of the "Hunky Hug"...yes, perfect end to a perfect evening. :)

I had a thought that I wanted to pass on to you that makes perfect sense at this moment, and just came to me...every tear you cry, embrace it! If you weren't crying and falling apart, I would be very worried and wondering when the explosion would come! Tears are healthy and you learning to pull it together is healthy, and then being able to fall apart is all good. So always keep in is a good thing-HEALTHY!!! :) Keep on hanging on, and don't ever think you have to hide your emotions or lie about them. You are normal.

Susan Fowler :)

Joanna said...

Glad to hear you got out a bit and enjoyed yourself. :-)

Katrina said...

Hi, Diana,

First of all, the only scolding you'll get from me is "don't hate yourself." EVERYTHING you are going through and feeling is sooooo normal. Grieving is a process. And everyone does it at their own pace. Sometimes people will stay in one phase for a long time, then just a little while in another part, and then maybe a long time in another part. No matter. It's YOUR process. Remember giving birth? How it was different than anything you expected? And how everyone's birth story is different? Not right, not wrong, just your own. Same thing here. Anger is an important part of grief, so go with it, girl. Please don't direct the anger at yourself. At us, OK, but not yourself. And don't be surprised if you think you're done with a part of the process and all of a sudden you're right back there again. That too is very typical and healthy.

OK, all done for today. Loving you a lot and sending you smiles, hugs, and tears.
(Oh, and you look smokin' hot in those pictures!!)

Love you,

Leah said...

You are beautiful and your process of healing will be continual. You are authentic and transparent and I respect that so very much. And while I can never take the pain of Regina's loss away I am so happy she was yours. You were the best mother I can imagine - exactly the mother she needed.