I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..
I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..
I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..
She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..
ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....
I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...
37 comments:
I usually don't comment, but...I can't help it right now. No mother should arrange funerals for her children before they die. No mother should ever say "let go" (especially if child has a will to live). Because a child loves mother the most and takes inside what mother is thinking and willing. If mother arranges funerals, the child knows and obeys to mother's wish and thoughts...and she dies. I feel sorry for Regina, because her mother didn't have enough will for her child's life. You should have fought for your child's life. You made a block-buster of her sickness, and that is extremely ...I am sorry, if I hurt your feelings. Regardless, I am terribly sorry for your loss.
GL.H
I cannot believe the comments above. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You just have to read the blog history to see just how hard this whole family has fought. Diana fought, Regina fought and neither of them caused the end result. You are right that no parent should have to bury a child but planning her funeral did not cause Regina's death. Cancer is horrid and while there are a lot of advances in medicine it is not 100% curable and that stinks and is so unfair to the families and children that suffer. You don't have to agree with everything anybody says but you are thoughtless and cruel to say what you suggest. Diana was an advocate for Regina and she was the leader that helped to ensure Regina and Gabriel were loved and cared for.
Thank you so much for your "kind" words :) Absolutely LOVE it how you see it and of course , We all are writing our own story, so in a way it was our BLOCKBUSTER.
I feel so sad for you. YOu have no idea what you are talking about. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. FIGHT FOR HER LIFE??? If you have Red my blog from beginning til end, you'd new what our family was doing for REgina, what our friends were doing for regina... But you don't deserve an explanation.You would not understand anyway..
To GL.H - ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?
You are ignorant. One thing I hate about the internet and leaving comments is that it allows people to say whatever the hell they think with NO FILTER. You have no clue what Diana has done for her daughter. Do NOT leave comments when you are ignorant.
I seriously want to cuss you out right now, but then that would be lowering myself to your decorumless level.
Think and FILTER what you have to say before leaving a comment like that to a grieving mother.
Risa
((( Hugs Risa, many hugs))).. I will change my posting so that anonymous comments will not be allowed.
it is likely a good thing that we do not know who wrote that. cause i see myself looking for them and kicking their ass! Are you F'ing kidding me?
That comment was the most ridiculous thing i have ever read.
Diana... we love you. we know how hard you tried. and we love that you share this all with us. and so did Regina.
GL.H - Go away. you are not wanted around here.
now, back to your post... seems to be my standard response... "I cannot imagine". what you have gone through is just not fair.
much love... tiffani
Now I will write under my name. I was afraid that all my words would be taken wrong.
I said no mother should let go and no mother should arrange funerals... etc, because a child obeys to mothers thoughts, inner world. It is telepathy that connects mother and a child so strongly. Regina told you she didn't want to die. What I ment was, that you should have followed her wishes and started to think that way - that is: I want her to live. I undersatnd the serious situation. My good friend has a daughter. Last year, she was diagnosed cancer; after one month doctors gave her 2-3 days to live. All her chest area was full with cancer, her loungs didn't work at all anymore and many more serious problems. Mother was going mad, she didn't have years to get used to the circumstances. But then me and other friends told her the same thing (that she feels what you feel). So she calmed down and started to think that her child would get better. Now, all lesions are gone and her daughter just some months ago started to walk again.
That was what I ment. I wish I had followed your case earlier, then I would have gathered more people to tell you: don't let go!!!Some people may say sorry this and sorry that, but there are so many evil people who behind enjoy other people's tears. That is why it is dangerous to tell everybody everything (Blockbuster). Thoughts have power.
I am really sorry that I might be taken as a reckless person. But I am not. I have very dear feelings towards Regina, also Gabriel and Nick. I just wish very strongly that Regina could still live and really believe that she passed away because she was tired believing alone. Diana, can you really tell that you believed in the beginning of this year, that she could have life until 80 years or so? I don't think so. I found one letter where you were talking about divorce and living alone with two or (one) child after a year. Can you swear that not a once you wished it could be over? You wrote that when sometimes Regina called you, you felt like come on!!!!
gaby
I KNEW IT WILL BE OVER. And that is all I have to tell you. I don't even know why you are writing this??? YOu did not have brain cancer on multiple spots. My life was all about brain and what cancer does to brain. I knew what will happen if regina had one or two or three more surgeries, YOU DON'T. I seen it way to many times, and we had to LET GO. If it gives you peace to wake up every moring and think that MY THOUGHTS killed REgina then go ahead:)
Aahhh I check on your blog daily... it has become a habit now. Never have i left a comment before, but aaaah! people are so ignorant! i HAD to talk back..
i am just amaaaazed at how some random person is capable of thinking they have all the answers to the god damn world && lives of people...
thoughts may have a lot of power, but they are not the answer to everything in life. for example, i am thinking REALLLLYYY HARD and wishing that you'd be more considerate... but im sure that's not going to happen. hahah...
diana, just wanted to send lottttts of hugs your way. your thoughts only helped regina &&& allowed her to experience so many wonderful things about this life.
xoxo
(i'm kaie's daughter btw.. just in case you were wonderin :])
Diana - I have been following your blog for ages. I have seen you fight. I have seen you pursue, where other might have given up. There is no doubt you did everything you could for your Regina. People are so ignorant and should try and walk one day in your shoes before they leave a comments like the ones above! I stand amazed and in awe of you and your strength, honesty, and courage. You did all that any loving mother would hope that she could do in your situation!!!
Diana, I've always admired you and the way you've handled every aspect of what you, and your family, were given to handle. The gracious way you dealt with the insensitive commenter above who, obvously and ignorantly, has no idea of what you've experienced (or what it's truly like to live with a child with cancer) makes me stand even more in awe of you. Having had had a child with cancer I realize that what you do, you do with love and courage--always. Never let anyone tell you differently.
I'm glad you contine to post.
Lori
Diana, I have known you for nearly ten years. I know your heart, I know you. There is no rule book for this, for mothering a child with a fatal disease. Your friends - the ones who make up your larger family - know that you absolutely did everything with Regina's best interests in mind, every moment of every day.
It is very easy for us to say how we would do things in your shoes but the truth is none of us know.
Damn, I am so mad right now I could scream.
@Gaby - To hell with anyone who wants to judge!! Screw you if you think you know better than someone who has been through this kind of nightmare, and screw you for having the balls to tell a grieving mother that she wished death upon her child. Coward. Hateful, spiteful, mean, coward. If you honestly believed thoughts have power, you would never send such hateful thoughts out into the world. I am ashamed for you right now.
And frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.
Gaby. There are no words for you except HOW DARE YOU. Your words disgust me.
Diana..... I love you..... and one day will meet you and hug you tight...
Jackie in Chicago
Thank you friends for speaking your mind. You know what , I am not here to please anyone. I have always done what is best for my kids. Sadly because of Regina Gabriel was always left behind, but he never complained. He understood, because we explained it to him ..
It is very hard to PLEASE people. Not that I ever wanted... I remember when Regina was sick and we decided to have surgeries, and gamma and more stem cell transplants and more chemo... etc.. WOW, what a response I got then. I got emails people telling me that IT was inhumane thing to do, and I should be ashamed of myself. REALLY??? YOu f.... kidding me... and now, that I wanted better life for Regina I get to be judged again??? really??? OF course gabby, or whoever you are. IF I was brutal, selfish mom, I would have had surgery after surgery , after surgery, after surgery.... and what DO YOU THINK would have been left of REGINA???? NOTHING.. SHe would be on life supports, on breathing treatments, on feeeding tubes, on diapers, and hundred other things. SHe would not be able to communicate with me, not hug me, not run, not swing, not draw pictures, not do crosswords.?? IS THIS WHAT YOU GABBY WOULD have wanted for your child??? If yes, THEN you are selfish, LEt me tell you something... IF there was god, IT would accept any person no matter what belief system. NOT separate kids from parents who believe into something else.. ALright??? I am so done with comments like .. I should pray, and I should turn to GOD, and I should respect GOD.... IF I see it, I believe it....
di.
GABY!
Perfect name for you apparently! Did you honestly think your words would be healing? Perhaps you need to invest some time investigating where you can improve your own life before intruding like this on someone else-obviously a drama lover with no life! How dare you!
Diana-keep sharing despite the ignorance of IDIOTS LIKE GABY! Gaby never lost a child like most of us here and I guarantee she does not know exactly what she would do! (you have no fricking idea Gaby...oh! Except vicariously through your friend's child!?! If she is truly your friend and not just another blog you read!)
Diana-All I know is that you never LIED to Regina- and despite her words you gave her the comfort of the inevitable. It took a very strong woman to be able to even talk about it with her child...proves it right there that GABY IS A LIAR and has no business commenting on anyone's blogs...especially if she has not been there! Go create your own drama somewhere else GABY where some people may give a crap to your thoughtless comments...somewhere like a nut farm!?!?!?!? You disgust me and everyone else who support Diana and her family...and REGINA! You have no idea how large her support group is, and I guarantee if she was out of line with anything she has done, someone who knows her and loves her would let her know, but so far, she has done NOTHING WRONG...BUT GABY YOU HAVE! Get out of her blog and you are not welcome back you idiotic fool!
Even better Gaby, why don't you send us your personal email so we can all personally contact you and give you our opinions on YOU!?!? What's the difference? We don't know you just like you don't know Diana...equally fair I would say! IGNORANT! Sums it up in a nut shell, ya think?
Diana- Please please please don't let the ignorance of this one person eat at you- instead look at all the support you have from the people that love you. Honestly, if it were inappropriate to plan the funeral when you did, don't you think someone would have told you? You were fine and I remember when you were planning it, how smart I thought you were to do so when you did...and because you did, you were in your right frame of mind and didn't get reemed for extra charges. Remember you wrote about the child discount? I thought it was awesome because you still had so much to do after Regina passed, but you had the HUGE stuff out of the way which gave you more room to focus on Regina and the smaller details that were so important.
Diana- You did really good and this too will pass...the ignorance of a nobody who wants to be somebody...and her explanation message where she revealed her name was even stupider than her original comments! Must be related to Balloon Boy's Family! lol
Breathe, Love, Shine and Share just as you have been. It is the healthiest thing you can do, and people who really care like to hear things that you put in your last blog. I love that I know your last conversation and her last I love you and everything you put!
Love- Susan
Contrary to Gabi, I feel like it takes a huge amount of courage and selfleshness from a mom, to be able to tell her baby, to let go.
I don't know if I could ever be like that-not to be too selfish---wanting to keep my baby here with me, no matter what state he is in.
Gabi, you absolutely have a right to your own opinion. However, please try to develop some emphaty. Especially towards people who have lost their loved ones and are grieving (please, give them at least 80 years before you say anything).
Diana, you know in your heart (and that's what truly matters) that you did everything that you could possibly do for you baby girl. And i know that you would have taken her place in a second, if only we could have that option.
Myts maha Di su ees!
Respect!
I wrote a long letter but it didn't go through. I said among of others, this was my child actually...
I still want to conlude some thing from my letter.
I try to keep my identity in private. Because I believe that there are too many people who are evil, as so many people here wrote: screw you, you probably read another blog of cancer case and said it was your friend etc.
One person said: Gaby! Perfect name for you apparently! Well, this extremeley dumb. What ´is my name got to do what i say. Are you following each other and have no words. Are you Americans so unclever? I am, by the way, Italian. That is also the fact that could make such a mess. I appearently express not the best.
I never ever said that you haven't done enough. Oh, YOU DID. I am not stupid, I have sen the pictures and read your letters. She was a happy child, you could see from her face. But you could see an extreme sadness and adultness from her eyes. My point was: Regina wanted to live and I wished you supported her wish to the end. No matter what you should have thought: please, live, get better. (I think for you again I cannot be clear enough). I know what I am taliking about. My child just got 12, last year when she was still 10, she was diagnosed with cancer. Her case was as serious as 1 from 1000, no hopes, as doctors said. The hospital called soulsaver (or how you call it), I am not a Christian although I am Italian. Not all of us are. The situation had gone so mad. But there were some close people who helped me. Me and my husband kept it together and thought: You are getting well, there is no doubt. How could we think other way? I DON'T BLAME YOU OF YOUR CHILD. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. I said that you let go inside. Regina told you: I don't want to die. (I was crying when I read it), I couldn't help thinking, why didn't you say to her: Then don't and get better! If you did so, then you have really done everything. I don't know, you haven't written that and maybe I heven't read it yet. I would like to read more about your conversations with Regina. There is so many wierd cases of cancer just dissapearing, like ours. I just want to understand, why those miracles happen sometimes. For our case, we think, it was, how we thought.
Empathy - some people blame me lacking of that. I wouldn't read your blog if i hadn't have it. Many people say that you are trying to transfer your grief to other and that it not good. I don't care, I still read it. I have too much empathy, what is also wrong because I let other people lives come to mine.
I started to read your blog only some weeks ago. I never read it when Regina was alive. I didn't know your case. I wish I had read it before, much much earlier. I could share my miracle with you.
Nothing brings Regina back, but you must be happy to have her. She was a beautyful child and that is one reason why she has touched so many people. Beautyful people (I mean especially insude beauty, though she had both) just have that ability. But I believe she will be soon back. They say that souls never go too far and they will be born back to the same area, where they lived.
Please, if I hurt you, It was definately not my intention. I expressed myself badly and I am afraid that this letter can be taken this way also.
Gaby
To Susan malloy (and others): Will you read your letter once more and analyse it. Did I wrote in such a disgusting and childish way as you write. It is full of negativity and only an evil person can write such things. I bet you are exactly these type of people who comment anonumously on net. Diana, on the other hand is much more adult here. But she is also not American origin.
So - you're insulting our friend for her choice to tell her daughter it was ok to let go AND you are insulting all of us as Americans? Wow. That's a whole lot of arrogance in one long winded and frankly shameful posting. Just because your child got better does not mean everyone else's child would have gotten better merely by stating the words "Then don't, and get better!" You seem like a somewhat educated woman, surely you must see the absurdity of such a simplistic and unscientific thought process. If all it took to recover from a terminal disease were the will to do so, there would BE no terminal disease. There are not 'so many weird cases of cancer disappearing' and that you think that this is so points again to your ignorance.
You keep coming back here, and telling us to know your story and listen to your words and when we read we hear the same thing over and over again: you blame Diana for telling her sweet daughter that it was ok to let go. You have the luxury of hindsight, and the luxury of a future with your child. Diana does not have that. for you to tell her you wish you could have told her earlier how to behave with her terminal child is cruelty in the extreme. Even if you believe wholeheartedly that saying a few words out loud could have saved her life -- what good does it do to tell us that now? It rubs salt in a wound so large and so painful that it just strikes me as totally and completely self serving and in humane.
And on the last point - the insults towards America. Lady, you have some serious balls on you. That's all I'm gonna say about that because if I get going there will be no stop.
So Gaby, go home. Go hug your child and pay yourself on the back for using the magical words that healed her. Thank God or Buddha or the universe or whomever that your child is still with you. But please leave Diana in peace. She does not deserve a stranger, someone who does not know her, who by her own admission never even read this blog while Regina was on earth, telling her that she should have done something else for her own flesh and blood. Feel smug in the knowledge that you were so much stronger and wiser that your child lived. But stop commenting here. You are not welcome, your words do not provide comfort, you are being hurtful and spiteful and inhumane no matter WHAT your intention. So don't go away mad, just go away.
You all... Just stop it. It was REGINAS TIME TO GO. Don't you GET IT GABY???? I told Regina it is up to her to do whatever she wants or wishes, if she wants to fight, I support her and help her, if she wants to let go, we will not BE ANGRY and HELP HER ALSO.
. Joanna, you are absolutely right. I agree with you 100%.
NOW I am about to Go to LA to get MY US CITIZENSHIP!!
Gaby-
Like I said before, you are a LIAR! I think you are trying to have a more credible reason to comment by saying it was your daughter and not your friend's! Why do you keep coming back here? Go away and never come back, everyone has told you, plain and simple, so what don't you get?
No one cares that you are Italian, or what you think for that matter. No one here cares about you period! You are clueless and brought terrible things out to defend yourself and you know nothing!!!!. You are terrible and by not going away, you are proving how everyone is right about their opinion of you right now.
Start your own blog Gaby and talk to people who want to talk to you instead- this is private here, for Diana and not a forum to battle with YOU! But obviously you don't want anyone to intrude on your private space because we have no private email or contact with you! Give me your number and a number of people will be happy to call you.- but get off of here.
Don't you see? Not one person has agreed with you? And not one person has even come close to supporting your thoughts? That is because you have no idea and you are WRONG! Please, leave your number and I will call you...but leave this blog and leave everyone alone. You said your piece, no one likes you here, no one ever will, and now it is time for you to go. Be content that you have said your piece. Now walk away... Ok?
Susan
Note: I would suggest that no one write anymore comments to Gaby so she is not encouraged to write back any longer.
Just go away Gaby!
Yay Diana! Whoot WHoot! Have fun! Can't wait to see the pictures of you being sworn in!!!! Time for a party! I will call the Twin and have him fix up a bbq for you! (lol just kidding!)
Have an awesome day!
Susan
wow - getting your US CITIZENSHIP! That is awesome! Post pics as soon as you can. Can't wait to see.
xoxo-tiffani
Sure I will go away :D So good, finally I don't feel wish to visit this page again. I don't like discuss anything, because you guys wouldn't understand it anyway.
For Diana: You must understand, I am very sorry for your loss, no matter what those people here are saying.
By the way, when I write here, i expected Diana to see my e-mail.
For others: gabylorenh@gmail.com (only I don't see why some of you want to talk to me if you hate me so much. Just to pour your hate on me? Well, this is much worse than what I have said. Because I never mentioned harm. Although when I read my letters through I feel bad about myself cause they really feel ignorant as you guys repeat all the time.
And you, who called me a liar again. How dare you? - I have a right to say it also.
Bye
Before I leave this, please,Diana delete all my comments and forget about them. You were a best mom for her, what more I can tell. You are right, I had no right. I feel now like i am the most awful person in the world.
Sorry
Oh my...I am shocked. Completely shocked. Diana I am so proud of you for not letting this destroy you. You were the most amazing mom to Regina. She was always meant to be your daughter because you did fight for her and give her more time. She didn't want to die and you certainly didn't want her to die. But you knew at some point nothing would change that. I do believe in healing and I believe in faith and positive words - but reality is people and unexplainable tragedies happen.
You are an amazing mom. You did amazing. And I hope you know that above all else.
Gaby - perhaps you meant well but perhaps you should be the one to go back and read your own comments. They were hardly edifying. Just because you believe something doesn't mean you needed to verbalize it to a grieving mother.
That's like a judgmental Christian picketing abortion clinics. That destroys people's soul and whether a person is a Christian or not - their words should be edifying and fill them up and not tear them down. My 7 year old knows this.
Gaby - I see that you said you were sorry and hopefully that was heartfelt. But please realize once words are spoken it's hard to undo the damage.
An internet troll is someone who posts controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response.
http://kb.iu.edu/data/afhc.html
Excerpted from the proposed blogger's code of conduct:
1. Take responsibility for your words.
To me, this would include identifying yourself, and not just by giving a name. A blog, a link, making your profile visible. A name could be anything, a pseudonym, whatever. This is Diana's personal space and she is entitled to express her opinion, and to decide what comments she wants to allow.
4. Ignore the trolls.
People who make anonymous inflammatory comments are seeking attention. To respond publicly is to give the attention being sought.
5. Take the conversation offline, and talk directly, or find an intermediary who can do so.
An e-mail address has been provided, so it it possible for anyone who wishes to do so to address the person offline.
6. If you know someone who is behaving badly, tell them so.
I think that one has been handled :-)
7. Don't say anything online that you wouldn't say in person
I think that's what's been breached here. This isn't a public forum, it's Diana's personal diary. I am honored to know Diana, and I am in the unfortunate position of not only having watched my niece die from a brain tumor and having a son with a brain tumor, but I also have been closely connected with dozens of families who have lost children to brain tumors.
I am very, very opinioniated, but a long time ago I learned that to judge is wrong. Anyone is entitled to disagree with Diana's course of action, it may or may not be right for them, it may or may not be what they would do, and a difference of opinion is fine.
It is, however, crossing the line for anyone to dare to tell Diana what she should have done, to judge her. Nobody can say for sure what they would have done because nobody knows what they will do until they get there.
And this is my personal and honest opinion, not just something I say to make her feel better, Diana has done an exceptional job in these circumstances, Nick and Gabe too. Gabe is benefiting from the Dianas ability to face things head on, I know few people who have lost a child who have been able to do this.
Diana, I admire you for all the things I'm not sure I would be able to do if this were happening to me. You faced the unfaceable, and you supported your husband and Gabe and Regina through it.
I won't ever tell you that you are strong because none of us are strong in this situation, but it came to you and you had no choice but to deal with it.
But it's not about strength, it's about choosing how you will face things. Dr. Gajjar said to me once that sometimes it comes down to choosing a frantic death or a peaceful death. I've seen many frantic deaths. You chose a peaceful death.
Regina loved you and trusted you and I will always admire you for the choices you made in this situation. The comments of one anonymous person are meaningless, literally.
At Regina's services, I quoted Eleanor Roosevelt, and I chose that quote because it put into words how I feel about how you handled this situation:
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”
I can only pray that I would do as well in your situation, I literally don't know.
Love you.
Incredibly well said, Kathy.
Kathy , YOu did it again... STOP MAKING ME CRY!!!! In a good way.... cry....
ANd laugh too. I knew there were people going around and posting things like it, but I had no Idea there was name for them.. I got a little visual....
You all are making too much fuss about everything! You are all cheap populists, sick of it already.
Joel:
HUH???!!!
Good morning Diana and family. I see once again there are people out there living with their heads in the sand, waiting for a perfect world. You and Nick are the ones that knew Regina the best. You also knew all she had all ready gone through.
I have my blog fixed so I read the comments before posting them, I don't use the word verification, since I am going to see it ahead of time. I say anyone that leaves a comment without a name is a coward. Also these people that set up a so called blog, just so they can leave a comment are also cowards. If you notice even though she came back and used a spot that can be clicked, there is no way to leave her a comment. Personally I would delete any comment that sounds hateful like hers did and also Joel's remark. They are both probably young teenagers that have never had to suffer going through anything as painful as losing a child.
Enjoy your day with little Gabriel. Personally I think you handled everything great. You were and are a wonderful Mother. The job you had to do wasn't an easy one, someone had to do it and this way you knew you were doing the best for Regina and getting things planned the way you wanted it to be handled.
I'm sorry for your loss my father is terminal for fourth stage throat cancer he has his ups and downs, but as a family we get through each and everyday together. No mother should bury her child.
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