We Miss You , REGINA:)
( Halloween 2008)

I am not going to talk about my previous posts comments.. NOT TODAY...

Instead--- I DID IT. I can finally VOTE and serve Jury Duty :):):) I am an American Citizen.. ME and other 2000 people who were sitting there in one room with me.
My Friend Beth was with me... When we arrived in Pomona, people were already lined up. FInally, around 11.45 they started letting us in. First thing I had to do was give away MY GREEN CARD:( and we were handed tiny AMerican flag. Then we proceeded to ceremony room. Got seated. I set on third row. Up close and personal with Judge ;)
Gabriel and Beth had to stay behind and sit in visitors area.
Of course we had to repeat blablalbalba, , few things, then watch 2 wideos-- ONE Obamas Congrats to us, and the other video was America the Beautiful . And that was it..

During Ceremony something happened. WHile gabriel was standing up during the Pledge of allegiance, he put down his Ds( WELL, It was Reginas, and we were supposed to put it into her urn after we got home).. He put down his DS, while he said his Pledge, PEOPLE from behind took HIS DS and ran away.... :(:(:( I would not care much about DS, but since it had sentimental value to me, I felt very angry towards those cowards who would dare to steal from 8 year old boy during PLEDGE and JUDGE present ... Whoever did it , had no remorse. ( I hope I used this word right)..
Anyway, After I left the room, I had to pick up my Certificate from table 24 and , we headed home. TOmorrow I will go to costco to get my passport photos done and then go to Post office to apply for a passport..

I am soooo tired today. And sad .. I wore Reginas button to Naturalization ceremony....

I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..

I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..

I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..

She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..

ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....

I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...

Busy Weekend...

Again, Thanks for letting us know you are here, and reading my blog once in a while :)  I know lot of you do not like to comment, and prefer to write me emails. I am so, sooo Sorry if i do not email you on timely manner. I really am. if you feel like I missed you somehow  email me or  text me again. Mostl likely my  brain just gave up,.... so so sorry again.

I have few thank you notes on my countertop.. waiting tro be sent out.. Maye one day with date October first on them. .. If you hae done something good for us,  gifts, notes, cards, hugs, calls, texts, emails, dirty looks ;), hehe.. THANKS:) Maybe one day , I will be able to catch up.:)

Now back to our weekend.. whewww. it really was one busy weeked.  Gabriels friend was over here for a sleepover... THAT WAS NICE... I DID NOT have to play wii with him.... lol.. on  Saturday we went to our friends  house in Placentia   for a sleepover.  Before that we had Volunteer visitor from Trinity Care hospice.  She came here to talk abou Regina, collect few of her old clothes   to pass them on to Memory Bear makers , and  in 4-6 weeks we will have Bear made out of Reginas dress or skirt. :)   It was really nice talking to her. ...

Today,.. Sunday, Gabriel and I went to our cross the street Neighbor's house  to have dinner. Well.. they have been in our house couple of times for parties, but never over for "intimate" dinner party. So this time we went over tho their house for one on one dinner.  It was nice. :)  I "hate" people with  PERFECTLY CLEAN HOUSES. I REALLY DO :) lol.Her house is C L E A N  and clutter free...  Love it.. One day I will belike it.  Right now, I have to do it for my kid. Stuff here and there,  .. in a way I feel like I am stimulating my boys mind keeping my house "crazy ". :0...

It is almost 11 PM.. I am about to fall asleep.. but before I go... I need some candy :(

Missin my Princess Regina...

Days...

Every day is different.I had  couple of very emotional days, and couple of very happy days..

I want to start out thanking those who sent us money instead of flowers, :)   Money helped us cover Reginas funeral cost completely and we even paid off some medical  bills. THANK YOU :):):):):)

Now my emotions are just weird. Couple of days ago I got a card for Regina... VERY LATE BIRTHDAY CARD... AHHHH I could not even finish Reading it. It was sent on time, but  most likely it got lost in mail somewhere, and got delivered month late.. :(

I cry every night , sometimes during the day, but mostly before bedtime.. I am great sleeper and have no problem falling asleep right away.  Moments before falling asleep are very hard for me. I used to hold Reginas hand.. and she would always give me couple of squeezes..` I miss those squeezes..

 IF you ask me to do same thing with Gabriel, then -- I AM TELLING you, it will not work. I tried... Gabriel will pull his hand away and mumble something like. lkdj a;sierowie htofha .. Whatever that means..   lol

I also got Reginas  Funeral DVD done by Earl Their website is http://corelann.com/  I strongly recommend them.

.  AHHH. I watched it last night..  They did such an amazing job capturing details during the service, and music, and slideshow..   Just beautiful.

Gabriel is still missing Regina very much. There are days he does not want to do his homework, and argues with me for  an hour or so, and then he could read book couple of times, but seems like his mind is somewhere else. Same with Math.  We constantly talk about Regina and tell him that is ok to miss her and feel sad and cry, and talk about her whenever you want. And he says OK :)

Nick has been travelling for business  and will be back before  few days before Thanksgiving.    I don't know If I want to make Traditional thanksgiving Dinner this year. We have been invited to friends house to Celebrate it with them, so most likely we will do so.. I know NICK will make me cook my Famous turkey to him :) And I will . But not on Thanksgiving day...

Now that REgina is gone I have lot of time in my hands.. RIGHT?? But it does not mean that  I am ready to do something big.  I am not ready to go back to school, I am NOT ready to find a job in "McDonalds"   When TIme is right I will do it, but right now time is not right.

I am not Ready to START A non profit organization. YOu have no idea how many emails I got with suggestions that MAYBE I should do it, . THere are so many great organizations out there that I keep close to my heart, and I rather give them money   than start another  foundation that Promises something...  and then money goes to "bying a  company car", or renting an OFFICE somewhere in residential area. etc...   

Anyway, Yes, I am still bitter at times  but I am getting better.  I will always miss Regina and wherever I go I see her footprints... 

(((HUGS)))

Month without my baby has been one heck of a month.  I want to start off thanking all of you for taking me out for lunches, and listening me, and taking gabriel to playdates, and   hugs..  I have also seen lot of those "quickly turn to your head left or right kind of looks"..  It is just interesting to see, how  at one point few people always greeted me with waves or  HI's,  and now...  But I understand. I was ready for this.
Seems like Gabriel is the one who has hardest time about Regina not being here.  HE constantly talks about her, and protects her when kids say "stupid" things , like lets scare Reginas ghost away from this house,  etc..
I can see saddness in his eyes.   He  also said that he is not afraid to die when he has to one day.. At least he is not talking about dying RIGHT NOW... I know for few of you this may sound alarming, but  not for us. At least Gabriel is talking about his feelings and worries, instead of holding it in.

I miss Regina  more than words can describe.  WHen I feel really down, I just picture her smiling and feel better.
Be patient with me.. I have looong way to go....

Letter TO Regina by Xochitl Arribas

Regina  Loved all of the princess movies . SHe owns just about all of them on DVD, but even though she liked all the movies , her favorite movie of all time is sleeping Beauty. So my question is what makes a Princess?  A princess is not made by all the beautiful clothes she wears or all the shoes she has: even though if you see Regina's closet, she has a pretty awesome wardrobe. WHICH I'm very lucky , that as she outgrew her clothes she gave my girls some pretty cool hand me downs. A princess is not made by the jewelry she wears or all those materialistic possessions. IN fact , if there is only true princess and always will be is REGINA MELODY TAN, who possesses all the qualities a princess does and more. Regina not only was she beautiful but kind, thoughtful, courageous and full of love for life as she has demonstrated by her courageous struggle to fight for it.

My first memory of Regina is when she was about three years old on Halloween Night: She came trick or treating in my door wearing the cutest witch costume accompanied by Diana who  also looking stunning in her costume as well. She left a lasting impression, as I'm sure she has for all those who have met her.

However , I did not get to know her until she came back from Memphis ( St. Jude Childrens Research Hospital) At this time I got to meet a family who has changed my life forever and I'm very grateful that I'm  a part of their life. I have been very lucky to have spent time with Regina and Gabriel to whom my family has grown to love as  part of our family. I am very deeply saddened of this special loss for you. Many of your friends share your frief and we hope that the many wonderful memories of Regina help you find comfort during this difficlut time. We miss Regina coming with us every october to the pumpkin farm to get pumpkins  for Halloween and playing at the hay maze. We enjoyed playing with her at the dinosaur park and at the neighbourhood park. She has always been there with us celebrating special occasions like birthdays or just getting together to have fun.

Regina has been a good friend to both of my girls, they have shared many laughs as well as girly fights. We all know girils cab be a little emotional. I remember on one occasion Regina got upset at Baby Jordan and she wrote a note  ans she taped it on her bedroon door and it read "NO BABIIES ALLOWED, ONLY DEVIN AND RILEY" . But when we would go over to her house and played she would sit with her and would make baby  Jordan laugh and she would play with her  and her Barbies. Regina was very giving to Riley. She knew that she really liked a pair of shoes that she had. IT was her Hannah Montana shoes and she gave them to her. Regina was so thoughtful of all of her friends. I recall once occasion that while she had planned  to take a cake to her classmates for their Valentine celebration and she could not go because she was not feeling well and she wanted to make sure that they would get the cake, So I was asked to take the cake for Her. I walked to the classroom, and when I gave the nes that Regina could not make it, but that she sed them a cake , they weer all very excited to have received it. Her kindness did not stop there. Regina also got to know some Celebrieies  and she got to work with one in a movie. She worked with Cameron Diaz and shen she made her own money, she went  out ahd bought Riley the CUTEST Panda Bear and little purse to carry it.

Regina , you will always be in our Hearts as I am sure in the Hearts of others whose life you have touched. I will miss seeing you at school. I loved how you would wait for me and would get mad at me if you did not see me when I would go get Deving from school when He was in Kindergarten. I truly enjoyed talking to you about how your day at school was and hugging you to say good bye. I will miss your laugh when I would say something silly or ask you silly questions like do you think Devin is Handsome. I remembe ryou looking at him with your beatiful brown eyes , you would grin and with a big smile you would giggle and say YES:)

Regina was one of a kind , she had her own sense of style, she always mix matched her outfits, buy if there is anyone who could pull that off it was definitely her. She had  the attitude to do it .
There is very little comfort in words, but I hope that we find comfort in knowing that we will see REgina some day as she welcomes us with open arms in the afterlife. Regina , you will be Greatly Missed , you will now for ever be our SLEEPING BEAUTY :0

By Xochitl Arribas

My Favorite Memories of Regina By Heather Andrini

I have so many happy memories of Regina. On the first day  of preschool I was pretty nervous. Regina was playing in a small group and said "you can play with us". I was really happy inside.
That night when my Mom picked me up from preschool I said," I have a new friend Regina!" After that , my mom says all I talked about every days was Regina. We started having play dates and sleep overs.

SOmething we liked to do was play dress up. We also liked to dance and sing together. We even took hula lessons together.
We had a lot in common. We are both chinese, we love ice cream and we both enjoy collecting webkinz.

Even though Regina was sick, she was always smiling, laughing and happy. Every time I saw Regina I had a blast with her.

We always wen to each other birthday parties, The last time I saw Regina, I sang Happy Birthday to her on her 10th birthday. Regina will be forever  ten and we will be forever friends. I MISS YOU , REGINA.

 Love Heather, 10 years old.

EULOGY For A Princess

It was a beautiful morning, the 20th of September, 2009. We opened up the curtains. We
could see the winding roads on the hills in the distance. The sky was blue dotted with
white clouds. We could even hear birds chirping. My wife said to me, “What a beautiful
morning. I love the autumn smell. The air is so crisp and fresh.” Out of the blue, my son,
Gabriel wanted to take a family photo. I have to tell you something here. My wife loves
taking pictures. She blew up quite a few computer hard drives by storing too many
photos. On the other hand, my son, as handsome as he is, really does not like his
pictures taken. We usually have to bribe him to take pictures with us by promising him
more game time or outrageous cash. But that morning, Gabriel wanted to take a family
picture. So we lay down by Regina’s side and took the picture. She had not been eating
for 13 straight days. Five minutes after we took a couple of pictures, we heard her
having a couple of short breathings. Then she left us. She left us on the second day after

her 10th birthday. Peacefully without pain. She left us knowing that we just took the last
family picture. She was forever 10.
Regina Melody Tan was born on the 19th of September, 1999 in Red Bank, NJ. I
remember the first time when I held her in my arms. She opened her eyes and moved
her lips as if she were calling me daddy. At that moment, I grew out of boyhood into
fatherhood. I made the promise to love her and to protect her forever.
She was a beautiful and smart girl. Watching her growing was a joy. I know, most fathers
think that their daughters are the most beautiful and smartest girls in the whole world. I
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do not disagree. Here I just want to tell you the story of her. How she fought her battle
against cancer. How she became my role model.
In May 2004, she was diagnosed with malignant brain tumor. After the surgery, as soon
as she opened her eyes, she told me, “Daddy, I want to become a doctor. I will not poke
kids. Poking is no fun.” It made me cry and laugh. The brain surgery was just a poke to
her. I cannot even look at the needle every time when I get a poke.
Right after the surgery, she got strong chemo and radiation therapies in St. Jude
Children’s Hospital in Memphis. Then again in June 2007, she had her relapse. At that
time, most doctors told us to give up. But we did not give up. Thanks to her mom’s
determination, we found Dr. Dhall of Children’s Hospital of Los Angles. Regina had
strong chemo again after surgery. She miraculously lived. In September 2008, she had
another relapse. She then had another two surgeries and gamma knife radiation. As her
surgeon Dr. Loudon put it, she was a trouper. She was baked, she was grilled. Yet, she
was still here smiling just like a normal kid. That was amazing.
You all must wonder how the past five years were alike. That was her story.
Thanks to my wife’s love and care and the support of our friends, extended family
members and even strangers, she lived a normal and happy life even for the past five
years. Yes, HAPPY life. I remember when she had her first treatment, she was
conscientious about her look. She would put on a hat to cover her scar when we went
out. She would put on a bandanna to cover her bald head. Yet, she grew to accept her
new look also thanks to her many friends and schoolmates. They never excluded her
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because of her look. She was surrounded by those wonderful kids. She attended school
even during her chemo sessions at CHLA as soon as her white cell counts bounced back.
She seldom complained pain. She enjoyed living very much, not lying in bed complaining
about suffering.
While she was losing her capability to walk, she would climb and slide the stairs by
herself. One night when I came home from a business trip, I carried her upstairs to sleep.
She told me, “Daddy, you do not have to wake up early tomorrow to carry me
downstairs. I can slide down the stairs.” Hearing her saying that and seeing her losing
her mobility made my cry. She was happy, no complaint. She accepted things without
whining and found joy in doing things while she could. Even towards her final days, she
told us again and again that she was happy and content with us by her side. She was
THAT happy. As a matter fact, for her final two weeks, she never complained pain and
she never cried. We did not see a single teardrop in her eyes. Her mom had to ask her
whether she needed morphine and most of the time she even said no.
She was daddy’s girl as evident by hair style. She taught me how to play Barbie and how
to play princess tea party. She would proudly tell everybody, my daddy was the best
Barbie player ever. We would dress up Barbie and Ken, pretending they would get
married and have many kids. She would cook so many different dishes.
Talking about cooking, it was her dream to become a baker and chef. She baked cookies.
She made sandwich for her mother on Mother’s Day. Of course she put too much onion
in it. She thought daddy said that onion was healthy, the more the better (Sorry, Diana).
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She loved to make salad for daddy. She would cut different vegis into small pieces. It
was not an easy task for a small kid. Consider this. At later times, she was losing her
mobility of her right hand, she could not even use her right hand to color. Yet, she
managed to make salad for daddy because daddy just came home from a business trip.
Every cut took a lot of time, a lot of concentration and a lot of strength. She wanted
daddy to know how much she missed daddy and how much she loved daddy.
She was also such a caring kid. She loved to take care of everybody. You know, taking
care of a cancer kid is never an easy task. You woke up in the night and sometimes you
barely got any sleep. It was my wife who took the lion’s share of taking care of her. One
afternoon, my wife was totally worn out. She fell into sleep on the sofa. Regina just had
a doctor visit and had her chemo. When she saw her mom fell into sleep, she took her
own blanket off, limped from her sofa to her mom’s, and covered her mom. I noticed
that she was shivering. I asked her, “Are you cold?” She said, “I am O.K. But mom is
sleeping. I do not want her to catch cold.” I could not help but crying. She was such a
caring person. She loved everybody. Every time when I took her out to the mall, when
she had her own money for shopping, she always remembered to buy something for his
little brother. She was a great big sister to Gabriel.
You might wonder how we managed to live with her cancer. It was simple. Because she
was a happy regular kid, always waiting for that sleepover with her best friends,
planning for her next birthday, writing Christmas wish list in the summer, and dreaming
of growing up. She was really easy to be content. She did not complain. Gabriel and I
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could make silly faces to make her giggle, even when she was totally bedridden. She had
fun in her short life. She brought happiness in our lives. She brought happiness to many
people’s lives in her path. And she taught us the most valuable lesson in life. She had the
courage to fight while she could; she had the serenity to accept what she could not; and
she had the wisdom to know the difference. And she lived a full and happy life.
Now she is no longer with us. But she will always be in our hearts. May you rest in peace.
Let us pray that we all have the courage to change things that we can; the serenity to
accept things we cannot; and the wisdom to know the difference. You, my baby girl,
were my role model, are my role model, and will always be. I love you forever, ever and

ever.

Beautiful Speech By Kathy Bell. She spoke these words on Reginas Life Celebration.

Kathy. I Hope you don't mind me posting it in my blog. I copy and pasted it from yours.:)

My name is Kathy Bell. Although I live with my family only about an hour away from here in San Diego, the first time I met Regina Tan was in November 2004, in Memphis, Tennessee at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Five years old at the time, Regina was sitting on a blue sofa in the Target House apartment she shared with her mom Diana and her aunt Sija. She sat coloring, so beautiful, all forehead and eyes, her head smooth and unblemished except for the curved question-mark-shaped scar above her left ear.

My ten-year old son Steven was with me. He took off his baseball cap and showed Regina his own head, covered with a baby-soft layer of newly re-grown hair, except for the bald spot exposing the question mark above his own right ear, Steven’s scar a mirror image of Regina’s.

Regina and Steven were diagnosed with the same rare brain cancer, eight months apart. Regina was recovering from her second stem cell transplant, and Steven was in Memphis for his six month post-treatment checkup.

Discovering that your child has a life-threatening disease is like being dropped along with your child into the midst of a tidal wave, your child can’t swim and the waters are so rough that no matter how strong a swimmer you are, it will never be enough for the maelstrom you find yourself in.

It was in the midst of such turmoil that I was introduced to Regina’s parents Diana and Nick, a few days after emergency surgery to remove the malignant tumor found in Regina’s brain. We had just returned from eight months in Memphis with Steven after aggressive treatment to save his life. After considering their options, Nick and Diana decided to take Regina to Memphis for the same treatment that Steven had just completed.

There is a saying at St. Jude, you arrive with one sick child and you go home with thirty five. It is impossible not to come to love those little bald heads as they battle the devastating diseases they’ve been dealt.

And so we fell in love with Regina. We "adopted" the Tans and we followed Regina from afar, through radiation and four cycles of high-dose chemotherapy, along the same paths that Steven had traveled eight months before. We prayed for smooth sailing and a successful outcome. We prayed for her return to a disease-free childhood.

Regina has been living with cancer and the shadow of cancer for over five years, more than half of her life. Still, cancer was most definitely not what Regina was about and not what I am here to talk about.

So, what was Regina about?

Regina was about birthdays. On the day that Regina turned five, she was in the hospital in Memphis getting her very first dose of chemotherapy. Her sixth birthday was spent in more pleasant surroundings at Disney World in Florida, and when she got home she had a second party with her friends at Chili’s Restaurant. On her seventh birthday, she had a Disney princess party at her house. On her eighth birthday, Regina was at Ronald McDonald House recovering from chemotherapy, but there was cake and when her blood counts recovered, she had a proper celebration with her friends at home. When Regina was nine, her princess party was wedged between cycles of chemotherapy. And Regina’s most recent birthday could only be described as a miracle, it is so clear that she wanted to spend her tenth birthday here with her family, and so she did.

Regina was about traveling. She went to Disney World in Florida courtesy of Make-A-Wish. She went to China and 4 times to Estonia. She went to Big Bear and Palm Springs and San Francisco.

Regina was about fun activities close to home, Disneyland and Legoland and Sea World and Build-A-Bear and the American Girl Store.

Regina was about Hollywood and show business, backstage passes and meeting celebrities, Hanna Montana and Britney Spears and Miranda Cosgrove and the American Idol contenders. Regina appeared on the big screen in the movie My Sister’s Keeper, and received her first pay check.

Regina was about fun with her friends, even though her illness kept her out of school and away for extended periods of time. Sleepovers and swimming and dress-up parties occupied her time when her health permitted. While Regina was in Memphis she looked forward to returning home and having a sleepover with her best friend Heather. Heather waited a year to start kindergarten while Regina was in Memphis so they could start together when Regina came home.

Regina was about fashion and dressing up in fancy gowns and one of her goals was to be a model. Her clothes expressed her own unique tastes and individuality, princess dresses and elegant gowns put together from whatever she could find. She wore Hanna Montana and Hello Kitty and Sleeping Beauty and Tinkerbell and anything fashionable, feminine and frilly. She had certain favorite items, the pink crocheted cap she started wearing in Memphis that finally wore out and Diana crocheted her another, the pink Sleeping Beauty poncho that I once mistakenly called a cape, the pink Disney princess dress with the cap sleeves and bow and the rows of tulle and glitter.

One of my favorite images of Regina was on her first day of kindergarten. She rocked her first day at school in a plaid skirt with matching shirt and purse, pink tights with white polka dots and appliquéd ladybug, purple Minnie Mouse sunglasses, pink Disney princess rolling backpack and the pink crochet cap, and an I’m-ready-to-take-on-the-world smile.

Regina was about fighting for the simple privilege of being alive. Hidden beneath her petite frame and feminine attire was the heart of a warrior. When she relapsed with over forty new tumors in her brain, the doctors gave her two months but she took twenty seven. Even as her treatments were failing and her tumors were growing, she continued to set goals, she wanted to grow up to be a teenager, she wanted to be a fashion model, she wanted to be a chef and cook meals for Diana.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot."

Regina is a heroine. And even though they don’t believe it, so are her parents Diana and Nick, for the way they have looked fear in the face and done the thing that every parent believes they cannot, loving their child from the womb all the way up to heaven.

My family and I prayed and hoped and visualized a different ending to Regina’s story and along with all of you who loved her, our hearts are broken.

I have no magic words of comfort to offer, only admiration and gratitude and love and faith that the memory of Regina along with the help of all the friends in your lives who love you too, it will somehow be enough to help you face the journey that now lies ahead.

From the bottom of our hearts to the tips of the stars, we love you, Regina Melody Tan. Good night, sweet princess, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

With love,
Kathleen

I need some AIR....

g





I am not even sure what bothers me the most. Most about me, most about REgina not being here, most about life. This all still seems like a one big joke to me. Very cruel joke. Very emotional joke...
I have been doing lot of thinking and I found answers to couple of important questions. ANd I have been talking about those few feeling with my friends.. Anyway.
Day to day bases I still hear from people, and people are still walking up to us and say how sorry they are. And they wish there is something they can do. :) Like one of my previous post made few of you really upset I want to clarify something.. I am not perfect. I am me. I am living breathing things who has feelings. Lately I did not understand this about me. WHY did I get so angry at everything, and some of you may think that I am angry at you.. NO. That is not the case at all. I don't hate you . I don't hate you walking up to us and telling how sorry you are.. I HATE sometimes how simple heartfelt words make me feel. Sometimes they make me feel angry, sometimes, simple "I am here for you " makes me cry, sometimes I have no feelings at all. Anyway, I just need time.. AND Again, There is no hate in me towards you. I HATE my hateful feelings. ANGRY feelings... And I can't do anything to make it better. Don't tell me to take drugs or seek professional help. If I can't help me , Nobody can. But I have a good feeling that one day, I learn to manage( lie) about my feelings, and can enjoy life without guilt :)

Other thing is.. I was just driving to LA yesterday, and I had lot of thinking time. LOT OF. Anyway.-- I had full makeup on, My nails done my dress on, pink shoes, I was wearing the cutest necklace ever ( Thank you friend". I was feeling amazing. I actually felt really cute at that moment.. I was driving to Evening with the Stars, A benefit for The Desi Geestman Foundation. I knew that this night was going to be emotional for me because Desi passed away 10 years ago.. ANd I just lost REgina .. And Ileana was the one who helped REgina to get a part in My SIsters Keeper...
And As I was driving I just started crying. ALl I could think was- Regina never saw my cute pink shoes. SHe would have loved my shoes, she would make a comment like - ONE DAY when I grow up Can I have your shoes? ANd I know She would have enjoyed going there and taking photos and posing.. I tried to pull it together. Wiped off my giant salty tears and turned on Radio.. AND OF COURSE Reginas latest fave song was on again-- TAILOR SWIFT LOVESTORY... And I could not pull it togehter.. I cryed few more minutes.. And started thinking more... About different things... Our social worker ( trinity Kids care), send Gabriel book about Lifesycles. To be honest I did not like that book very much. It was too general . But as I was driving and thinking It just appeard to me out of a blue that WOW, REGINA actually had a full life. She was born, SHE went to school, she had a job, she had her first paycheck, paid her taxes got a tax return and peacefully passed away. Regina lived her dream. ANd with our help she had everything one 10 year old would ever wanted to have. ( Crap, she did dream about Iphone and laptop for this Christmas)... but you see what I mean... Reginas LIFE was THE LIFE. Within her lifetime she showed us that IF we do what we really want to do we will be better and happier people. ANd I was happy taking care of her. :) Even though She lived her life to THE MAX, it does not take MY pain away. IT does not take away my sadness and tears. I still MISS her. And I will always miss her and carry her in my heart.... ..

Anyway, back to Desi Geestman foundation event. I got there 20 minutes early and saw Ileana righ away. I gave her scrapbook that I created with all the photos from My sisters Keeper set ( NO I did not take photocopies of that scrapbook). AND when Ileana gave e one hug, I just started crying again. But I managed to pull it together. Got my VIP wristband and went to see what's up :)
OMG. Ileana and her Team did such a wonderful job pulling this event together. Lighting, music, people, food, drinks. Emotions:) Hugs, smiles.. It was night to remember. :) I was sitting on table 23 WITH band named International Farmers. They do reggae music. Fun , young awesome artists :) Well.. After food was served and people finished eating it was time to meet and greet Celebrities . There was about 20 something Soap Opera stars. I Don't watch many soaps, but I did take pictures with 3 "Big Guys" :)

Ted King( General Hospital), Ken Davitian ( fat guy on Borat), and AND AAAAANNNNNDDDD Ronn Moss ( The bold and the Beautiful).

While I was looking around to find some people I KNOW, My EYE stopped on one blond very energetic lady. I was looking at her and thinking. I KNOW HER, I am not sure, from where, BUT I KNOW HER... So hour passed.... Finally I walked up to her and asked... "excuse me, did you Volunteer in CHLA??).. And she said yes. She was all dressed up, and make up was done, and hair was flowing... ANyway, her name is Elizabeth MacDonald, and she was one of our favorite volunteers in CHLA, and I was not expecting to see her in this event, since mostly it is about City Of HOpe hospital... But We did meet once again, and I Told her That Regina had passed away.. Was not easy thing to do... I teared up again... She hugged me, and she gave me her card... And that was it for that moment...
But when I was about to leave, ( 9.45PM ) I saw her once again, and I told her, I have to take off now.. ANd Take care.. BUT, She was next to Ridge Forrester - ( Ronn MOSS), from Bold and the Beautiful, and everybody was taking pictures with him. I think he IS te biggest soap star ever. I was already crying , and then Elizabeth said.. to Ronn.. I want you to meet someone special who just lost her daughter to Cancer.. ANd this time I lost it big time.. Like Major Drama big time. I think I was even shaking a little because I just felt this intolerable pain inside... Ronn just wrapped his warm welcoming arms around me, gave me the BIGGEST warmest hug, kissed my hair, and said something... .. ... And I wiped my tears and Thanked him for being part of such a great organization and then we took a photo.. And to be honest.. IT was perfect ending to a perfect event... Thanks again EliZABETH...
Sadly I had to drive back to Placentia ( Gabriel was at Maire and Steves house, second night in a row for a sleepover), and I could not drink ... ( I had 2 oz of wine, and that was it :( )
Steve made the biggest Sunday Morning breakfast... SPICY Omlette, and Pancake and it was YUMMOOOOO.

On Friday Night I went out With "my Girls". Went and did some CLubbing @ King King ( house club).

Today, Gabe and I and Xochitl family went to see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs ( 3D,) and I am about to leave my house to have dinner with Beth and Heather :) I am happy I have things to do.. But there are days I NEED SOME AIR.. I can't breathe. ANd on other days I am happy as Can be. These feeling are not so new to me, but Right now I am more aware of them.. Trying to control them , but I just need more time. :)

(( HUGS TO YOU ALL) AND don't be scared of me.