November.

Oh, Happy Halloween to you all.  IT was one of favorite holidays for REgina, since she could dress up and act all silly :)

Lot of time has passed since my last post.  I want to thank you all who thought about us, and  sent us notes and emails telling us that they think about Regina and us:) Thank you :) We appreciate it.

..We still live in Hangzhou and are blessed with the worst landlord there is.  We think about moving  as soon as possible, but since our contract ends in June I believe, we are stuck here and have to make it work.  Our apartment does not have central heating, and I am already scared about winter. Night are getting cooler and cooler, and with no time I have to turn on our tiny heater box that is on the wall.   And drink lot of lemon, ginger tea with touch of honey .
I have to stop complaining. My life is fabulous. I get to experience world and great fantastic memories with loved ones, but I still find something to complain about.  There is always something that bugs me, and I am working hard on me to make me better.  I don't know if I made any progress , but I  feel like  one step at a time, and one day I will find me.:).
..

Gabriel is doing Great in his new school. China has made him more independent,  and he loves it .  In school he is doing much better than last year. he is MATH genius  and very proud of it :)  HE also takes tennis lessons, and is very proud of what he as accomplished within past couple of months. For a while he wanted to be President of United States of America, but he decided that it is not such a great idea, since it seems like lot of work. haha.

Boracay, Philippines.

..
Nick and I...
It's complicated, we are working on our relationship and it is hard.  Whoever said marriage is easy  never most likely tried to work on it.  Sometimes it looks like we made progress  and sometimes we stumble because I can't keep my eyes half shut.. We have discussed divorce, many times and who knows what next year brings. Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces,  not put a blame on each other for our own failures and see where next year takes us.  We are 2 very different people with same goal..happiness and we are trying to figure out how to  get there ..

We also travel a lot here in Asia. This year we visited Taipei for  few days because Nick had  to attend conference there. We also spend amazing week in Philippines.  I would love to go back there and soak in warm , salty blue water. Stare at blue sky and  forget that there is real world somewhere....
I also want to start writing little bit more. I lost it for a while. Nothing made sense and I want  things start making sense again. :)

...

The other day I was watching Oprah  Lifeclass and in the end of the show She tea poem by Derek Walcott. It  was exactly what I needed  to start look even more into me. :)

I hope you all are having an amazing year, and don't let fear paralyze  you.




Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Happy Birthday Princess Regina.

Forever 10 , forever in our Hearts!

  2 years have passed since we last held  her.. .

xoxoxoxo

09/20/2011 2 years

Do I need to say more?
September 20th marks 2 years since Reginas passing.  We miss our girl and there isn't a day we don't think about her. :)
Forever in our Hearts, forever loved.
xoxoxoxo

July in Hangzhou

Life in Hangzhou is different. Heat and humidity are not comparable to any other place I have lived before. It Rains almost every day and now we have heatwave  giving us hard time Today thermostat read 43C in shade.. WTF?? and humidity is about 100%. It feels like I live  in Sauna.  
I have no desire to go outside  :(
Our apartment sucks big time . It looks great , but ... HOT water runs out in every 2 minutes because boiler is only 11 liters.

COuntertops are to low and sinks  are to small. Hardly any dirty dishes fit in them.   NOW , AC is powerful, but it  is not central. It is manual. It sits in one corner and blows cold air to our necks, and because of that I got a cold... Just before my trip to ESTONIA :(. When I turn of AC , room gets HOT as hell within minutes. ..

Our elevators are also not air conditioned and are STINKY hot inside.  I am telling you. I am living now as  normal chinese person. What a life. Only difference is, I get stared at everywhere, people stop and look  and point and whisper. I hate it :( I also hate suburb life here. Not my thing. I really started LOVING beijing. Traffic sucked, but I was getting used to it. ...:)

After moving from Beijing to Hangzhou, we  visited US for 11 days. California First. Nick got really sick and had to be on antibiotics the whole trip. We argued a lot  because he felt like his vacation was "stolen" from him... AND he was the one who needed a real vacation.
California did not disappoint me. I loved our Aliso viejo Renaissance club and sport hotel  and I loved seeing familiar faces and i LOVED FOOD> OH, I had no idea how much I missed it till I tasted it.. .MMMMMM
From cali we flew to Washington DC.  It was our first time :D Gabriel loved every minute of it. I also got to meet my dear friend Leila there who actually lives in Cali, but was visiting area...  SO MUCH FUN :D

Long story short, we ended our trip in NY. AGAIN. I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS CITY ALL OVER AGAIN.
 Last time I visited NY was in 1999 I think. Or was it 2000 ??  Anyway. SO  much energy, so much life and  so many beautiful people. If I only was single... :D

Now we are back in Hangzhou and I have 4 more days before my trip to ESTONIA!! CAN't wait. I am going alone, because Nick thinks it is important for Gabe to learn some more chinese, and he is going to be staying to  his Aunt Jinsongs apartment for 3 weeks :D  Great . So , nick will get his "vacation" and break from us. But he will be working his assssss offf....:D:D:D:D

I hope you all are having awesome summer, and heat is not as bad as it is here:D
I POSTED SOME OF OUR TRIP PHOTOS To MY FLICKR albums.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/caliwitch

PS.. In a way Cali trip was little hard for me.. I wish Regina was here...xoxoxo

Upset, and missing my Girl.

I just watched The real housewives of OC reunions.   I was angry.  Not because  gretccccchen  or Alexa   but because  how  Slade has no compassion towards his ex and their son.  I was in awww when I heard not a single word about  I hope G gets better, or cancer never comes back, or  WE ( Gretchen and Slade ) going to be there for Gray forever..  I WAS MAD. 

When Regina was patient in CHLA we had the chance to see slade and his son couple of times in CHLA.       Let me tell you. I was not surprised.  All the nurses were around them, babying, awing. hihihihiing  and so on.  Of course "he was a celebrity" . I even told slade when passing him that I LOVE the show he is on.  And I did  not lie . I really love OC housewives. B U T 

 WHen I went to CHLA I already had  history with St Jude. ANd awesome history. I was trained well to take care of cancer patient.   In CHLA at first I hated it.  Everything was done differently.   REgina had broviac line and her dressing was changed differently.  First time we got a rude asian nurse. And Now I get it why she was rude. In asia people are like this.  THey don't care if someone gets hurt . They are just doing their thing. ... And regina got hurt during her  dressing change.  Nurse rubbed her  skin with rubbing alcohol until she was RAW. Her skin was red and she was in tears, but she was not crying.  I told the nurse to slow down and do it in my way, because I know what works with my girl. ..  Nurse did not listen to me.  She said this is how it  is easier to do for her.

 I called  to CHLA the same day and complained and I got  reply from head nurse or whoever she was.   " I am sorry mrs Tan , we know you are   experienced  MOM, but we actually have the best    system to change line dressings  and  blahblahbalba... I just listened to her and told her... IS IT OK TO 7 Year old skin to start bleeding during line change? Is it ok to get infected while her counts are low?   I was told sorry and we look into it.... And from that  day on THAT  NURSE never really spoke to me again. BUT she did spoke to other cute cancer patients. and I felt sick. I don't like that nurse to this day.  She was taking sides , and not thinking about patients.  

And  that nurse was always all over SLade and his son. I was it , we were right there getting hard chemo, Regina throwing up ,  sad.....

  But whenever we got there, she never even made eye contact or bothered to say HI, Regina, how are you doing. You are so cute today, Look at your dress... We saw how she treated other patients, She was very selective......    I felt she was very unfair. 

BUT ,, Regina did have her favorite nurses one of her was Marlene.  She always made us smile and laugh.:)  And we are thankful that we get to see such an passionate person who truly cared about her patients.   Everybody loved her.

Anyway. I know, I still feel bitter towards some people in my past, but I can't change it.  I know it is time to give up and move on  and focus all the good there is.  But at least once a week I hear stories from people I know how their loved ones were miss treated..... just because...

 AHH... I just hope that Slade will  step out or Gretchens shadow and starts   doing what he is supposed to.       Being a mom to a cancer kid is hard,  and I can't imagine how hard it is to have an ex who is dad to that boy who's lis fighting hard every day to  m a ke   it   work.

I just hope  it stops soon, because it is not right.

OC  housewives and husbands need to grow up...

My updates are as rare as rain in Beijing.  It is extremely hard to please my bilingual crowd.  Living in China  is not easy, and writing  in English in CHina is very hard. I really do prefer Estonian language  here. Very weird. English is not my first  or second language. It is my 4th language.  I was born in Estonia and my first language was Estonian. I think in third grade I started learning  Russian, and then  in high school I mastered my beginning level of Finnish. I think I was alright in finnish.   And right now I am studying mandarin Chinese.   IT is hard. VERY hard. I can understand a lot, and I nod my head when people tell me something, but I can't answer to all the questions yet.   My vocabulary is basic, but I am learning every day new words. I guess I am just way to shy and self conscientious about how I say it and because  of that I prefer to keep my mouth shut. I hate repeating one sentence 10 times with different tones. I feel like moron when people don't understand me :( And I admire those who learned to speak fluently within a year. :) GOod Job :D

BUT, BUT, BUT.  In 10 days my boy G will turn 10. brr. I wan't him to skip 10 and turn 11 instead.    Those who have been following our story know that  Regina passed away 1 day after her 10th birthday AND past 2 weeks, have been like a big nightmare.  I have been dreaming about her a lot,  nice dreams, scary dreams, night horrors.  I have been waking up sweaty  because I had a dream I KILLED HER. I had a dream she drowned in big sea of water. I dreamed that  she was back and to stay. It has been 2 weeks of very confusing dreams.
At first I did not understand why, but I am sure, it is something to do with Gabriel turning 10.  AND WE LOVE GABRIEL , WE LOVE THAT HE IS TURNING 10. I just want PAST  to stop hunting me and  i want to enjoy TODAY, not feeling guilty enjoying it. I hope I make some sense.

Also in 10 days will be last day of 4th grade for Gabriel and this year has been full on challenges.  It has been academically very hard year for Gabriel. His behavior has been "NOT GOOD" according to teachers, and great according to our friends. I know GABRIEL is little different and he has been doing lot of testing when it comes to her teacher, but to be honest,  we are not used to THIS KIND OF TEACHER who can't handle kids, and blames it on kid, that KID makes her look bad in front of the class???    I guess Gabriel has been bulling his new teacher this year. WOW.
He did confess that he has not been easy on teacher  because it is just boring in his class.  and very slow. OK.
Being a parent is H A R D.

Gabriel is excited to go to his new school in hangzhou. HE LOOKS forward to it. Our new apartment is in walking distance from school and we love it :D I WILL NOT MISS OUT in school activities :D

And last-- We are moving to hangzhou in june 24th.    Can't wait to look out of our new apartment window and enjoy beautiful river view ( NOT LOOKING forward to our  bitch, witch landlord lady though).  hihi

 AND AFTER ALL THAT. We will  travel to USA :D CALI June 29th to 6th ( we are leaving to DC on early morning on 6th of July).  So if you wanna see us let me know @ dianatan78@gmail.com   We have NOTHING planned for 4th of July yet, -- I HAD PLANS, but my CALI BFF is going away with her hubby :( . SO IF you have something exciting going on and have a bedroom floor for 3 of us let us know . We really want to celebrate 4th of july with   people we know :)

We spend 2 days in DC and then 2 days in New York.   Gabriel wants to see the white house and Lady of Liberty :D

Talk to you soon

've been often asked: " Diana, how are you doing? How are things? How is your life?" and so on.  But the hardest question I got couple of days ago.  It was so hard to answer, I had to bit inside of my cheek so hard it bleed.  I did it because I did not want to start bowling like a baby . But I started crying anyway.

I was asked once - " Do I ever revisit "THAT" day?" What she meant was the day Regina passed away.  The question itself is great question. But it is the hardest one to answer without tears..

My answer is.  "Of Course I revisit that day. I do it almost every day.   For about 6 or 7 months after Reginas passing i refused to think about it. I only had slide show in my mind about what had happened. I remember us there smiling around her, I remember her taking her last breath, I remember  me looking at my husband and then pressing my left ear against Reginas heart, and I remember  feeling happy for a second because she is  no longer hurting. And then I remember  deep sadness and darkness and fog. Fog, that I could not cut through . Fog , made everything we did look like it happened in slow motion.  

I Remember that everything what  happened that day and forward   , was not How I wanted  it to be. 

Past few months that slideshow is no longer slideshow. I  have been able to allow myself to go back to that day and remember every feeling, every smell, every word that was said , I am no longer afraid to go back  and  I am no longer scared to shred a tear or 2. or more.   I realized that this pain I am feeling will never go away, and me hiding it will not make it better.  I  am no longer afraid and embarrassed  when I have meltdown in some random store  or place because something there reminded me of Regina.  And when something reminds me of her, then the second memory that I get is the day she passed away. 

So  yes, I revisit "That" day to often, but I guess it is mu choice and you can't judge me for it. 

Mothers day this year was hard.  Her last mothers day meal for me was .. heehe..  Was Onion sandwich which consisted of 2 slices of white bread and sliced yellow onion between them.  I just opened my eyes and she was there with her sandwich :D She asked me if I want to eat it right away, but I told her  I am going to do it in a minute. I took a bite to  show her that mmmm... it is good... But .. I secretly  took onions and put them to trash can :D I ate the bread and  she asked again, if I liked it. I smiled again and said .. OF COURSE,   you make the best sandwiches.... 

That was our last Mothers day , and second Mothers day in a row I have cried because I miss  My happy carefree   Baby Girl. 

May

It has been a while since my last post.  I have been blogging lot more in ESTONIAN,  and I am very active in Faceuebook.   In a way, I do feel like maybe it is time for me to close this blog and leave, but I  can't do it. I wan't to write, I want to let you know how we are and how we feel. Sadly, I don't find that  energy in me to blog in 2 languages anymore. I am choosing Estonian  over English, and if you speak Estonian you are one lucky person.

  Quick update. We still live in Beijing.   At least for couple of more months. We just rented apartment in Hangzhou.  Rental process was a mess. apartment had NO oven, NO washer dryer, NO DISHWASHER, and no Central heating and RENT FOR IT WAS 12 000 yuan ( google it how much it is in your money).  BUT it has gorgeous River views and great layout.

Apartment  comes with NASTY landlord. We  lowered price from 12000 to 10000. Requested Washer dryer combo and OVEN in. She did it. And then told us WE HAVE TO PAY  half of the price IF WE want ti.  OK. No big deal. 5000 Yuan . OK... Next surprise--- She told us WE have to pay association fee??? REALLY?????   WE  argued until she decided FINE, no association fee... THEN she came back and told us that  whatever satellite we want it is 2000 Yuan ( association fee). Well in reality it is only about 300 yuan...   THAT Fing biotch is business woman. We were about to drop out , but then I told nick. Do you really want to start from beginning? Non of the other apartments had oven or dishwasher or dryer in. And they did not have a view like that.

Anyway, we got it, but I keep my fingers crossed that she stays away  OR co operates with us when something goes wrong. Summers in Hangzhou are HOT and winters COLD. ANd she IS one cold hearted bitch who just cares about money....( so do I but I still am better landlord...).

BTW, someone stole our family identities and posed as US on Facebook. I just found out. That 21 year  old is charged with  8 counts of some sort of fraud.  So guys, if you come across some weird website that has OUR faces but not our names, PLEASE let us know.  Right now we know that we were named GIGI, Debra (I think), Nick and Gabe Heart. Regina ( GIGI) was born on January 25th 2001 and died January 26th 2011 ( WOW, she was  still alive  and what the heck was I mourning about ????). Anyway- i think 8 more families are in same deep shit we are in. HOPING FOR A FAST solution and maximum sentence to Crystal van  something.

That is pretty much it.

OH, and I turned 33 on may 8th. I am soo OLD. 

Di

 Now that I live in Beijing with my family, I feel like I see Nick less and less. He travels a lot between hangzhou where his  main office is . Usually he comes to Beijing for a weekend, and then  goes back to Hangzhou for a week.
And NOW, he took off again to go to USA for  a week.  UGH.  Hi Lonely females-lets unite...

Every time Nick travels to USA, he writes a long list of things he has to bring back.  Even though we live in Beijing, and everything is available here,  quality and price  is what matters.   And in china we do not get quality and we do not get good price . So this time nick has to  come back with-

• Almonds from costco
• Walnuts from costco
• toothpaste from costco
• Rembrandt toothpaste
• toothbrashes from costco
• chewing gum I like and is too expensive here in beijing( triple the price)
• plastic wrap( gling wrap)
• alcohol from tax free shop
• MacBook pro( new generation)
• Canon 5D mark 2 ( hope he gets it this time)
• different goat cheeses 
• Cereals
• my perfum- Armani diamond Intense ( way to expensive in China)
• Skin care products
• Salsa

I also wanted to send him to TJ maxx for a shopping trip, but He can't handle this kind of shopping ;) So no new shoes for me :D

We are  also slowly getting ready for our next move . YES.. After Gabriels school is out, we are going to take a short trip to USA, and then we are going to pack our bags and move to Hangzhou. I am not excited about it.  BUT ,  I am not really against it ether. I am just getting used to Beijing lifestyle, meeting people,  I know where everything is ..  ANd now I have to start from BEGINNING AGAIn.

i was told at one of the parties Nick and I attended ( where everybody LOVED hangzhou), that it will be easier there for me to meet people, get to know places, and make hangzhou my home, since it is smaller, and expat community there is  also smaller, and people are "tight". So Hopefully they are right, and if they are not, I will find them on Facebook, and let them know that they were W R O N G :D

About Gabriel. He is  not doing very well in his new school.  We still have no PTA, and sadly, i believe that we are stuck with teacher, who is not really doing her job as passionately as we are used to.  Gabriels grades last semester were not the best, and it made us go WHAT ??? you like math and know math and you got C?? WHAT? Not possible... Anyway, just little disappointing. 

We also miss our Girl Regina terribly.  There is not a day she is not in our minds. But I know one day I will get a second chance to  see her and that time we will not be separated. 

                                                              xoxoxox Regina.R.I P.

798 Art district./art zone

https://picasaweb.google.com/dianatan78/Feb242011#798 art zone

Today I had an opportunity to visit art district 798, that is about 10 km from us.   Quote from space website.--Beginning in 2002, artists and cultural organizations began to divide, rent out, and re-make the factory spaces, gradually developing them into galleries, art centers, artists' studios, design companies, restaurants, and bars.
   It became a "Soho-esque" area of international character, replete with "loft living," attracting attention from all around. Bringing together contemporary art, architecture, and culture with a historically interesting location and an urban lifestyle, "798" has evolved into a cultural concept, of interest to experts and normal folk alike, influential on our concepts of both urban culture and living space.

I went there with Jan. Jan lives in same apartment complex where we live and her son is 3rd grader in Canadian International school. Gabriel and Jason LOVE playing together and they have similar sense of humor. Anyway,  Jan asked if I  am busy  today and if not , do I want to have lunch with her.   I told her that NO  i am not busy and YES lunch sounds great. She asked if I ever been to 798 , and since I heard so many good things about  it and never been there yet, i said LETS DO IT. 

 Those who live in california and have ever been to Laguna Beach art festival  have idea how this place looks like. But art zone is so much bigger, and lot more fun. There are 100ds of  galleries,  bars, restaurants. Art everywhere, some look like un organized mess, some super cool. Some boring art, but most of it is pretty damn cool.  Since Jan is Chinese  she speaks chinese, I had opportunity to hear from  artists who were there about their work .   I have my fave artists in china, and I was so happy to see that 2 of them had their galleries up.  I mentioned Jan that YASHOW ( market, that sells all the fake stuff, ) I s also ripping off artists work and selling it there. Jan mentioned it to one of the artists , and he said that    once he went to Yashow, and pretended that he is interested BUYING his own  "art", ( fake stuff), he wanted to know prices and who makes it... haha. He  was told art is 80 yuan ( about 11 dollars)  and it is original.. HAHAHAHA...  Well, his art sells for  800-50 000 Yuan or more so  there you go.. ORIGINAL.. He said he can do nothing to control people profiting off his work. It is sad, but  there is no way to control this kind of activity in  China :(

I did buy couple of affordable smaller  art pieces,  and found perfect gift for Nick ( his 45th birthday is on 31st of March).. ;) When time is right I will let you know what it is, and why I bought it.

Also another  mental note that I took was.. Asians love  Sex, nudity, pornographic images, erotica and it is widely displayed in their art work. Some do it very classy way, some stay vulgar.    Well, Jan and I both noticed that BUTT's are  very popular  focus points in many artists works.  Only explanation I could come up with -- don't laugh, and my Asian friends who are reading this blog -- DON't BE MAD ;).. Since  Chinese woman in general have flat butts ( yes), and asian guys love BUTTs , then they display the love for butts in their artwork. And oh boy, those butt s in their art were perfect.  One of my fave artists Loui , whose works were up-- http://blog.sina.com.cn/yinxianggearts   actually  made his art about small feet, that have part in Chinese history , but those tiny feet were tied together with huge round butts. His art is amazing. AMAZING, and guy itself was full of life explaining why he does it, and he even showed us how tiny some of those tiny shoes that were made for  those tiny binded ( spelling feet) . If you are interested in food binding  check out this wiki about foot binding.--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foot_binding

My feet started hurting  after I saw those shoes up close and personal. Sadly I was not allowed to take any photos of his work:( But I encourage you to check out all links I post in this blog today.

Another artis who has been in my mind a lot lately is Fang Min  http://shangzun.kuaile800.com/

 I also purchased one of his smaller pieces ( baby faces with ladybug). His art is tibet monks  inspired. BUGS and monks :D His gallery made me smile :D

  798 zone is also great home for many great photographers.  And I really wish I had more time to  enjoy their work. But i fell in love with  YangZi work. It was simple, but so beautiful.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sunartspace

Anyway. I felt good today. Art zone is  in Beijing, but it does not feel like beijing at all.  I love its  vibe, people,  food, mood... And today because of 798 I am in good mood :D