Sunday, May 15

've been often asked: " Diana, how are you doing? How are things? How is your life?" and so on.  But the hardest question I got couple of days ago.  It was so hard to answer, I had to bit inside of my cheek so hard it bleed.  I did it because I did not want to start bowling like a baby . But I started crying anyway.

I was asked once - " Do I ever revisit "THAT" day?" What she meant was the day Regina passed away.  The question itself is great question. But it is the hardest one to answer without tears..

My answer is.  "Of Course I revisit that day. I do it almost every day.   For about 6 or 7 months after Reginas passing i refused to think about it. I only had slide show in my mind about what had happened. I remember us there smiling around her, I remember her taking her last breath, I remember  me looking at my husband and then pressing my left ear against Reginas heart, and I remember  feeling happy for a second because she is  no longer hurting. And then I remember  deep sadness and darkness and fog. Fog, that I could not cut through . Fog , made everything we did look like it happened in slow motion.  
I Remember that everything what  happened that day and forward   , was not How I wanted  it to be. 

Past few months that slideshow is no longer slideshow. I  have been able to allow myself to go back to that day and remember every feeling, every smell, every word that was said , I am no longer afraid to go back  and  I am no longer scared to shred a tear or 2. or more.   I realized that this pain I am feeling will never go away, and me hiding it will not make it better.  I  am no longer afraid and embarrassed  when I have meltdown in some random store  or place because something there reminded me of Regina.  And when something reminds me of her, then the second memory that I get is the day she passed away. 
So  yes, I revisit "That" day to often, but I guess it is mu choice and you can't judge me for it. 

Mothers day this year was hard.  Her last mothers day meal for me was .. heehe..  Was Onion sandwich which consisted of 2 slices of white bread and sliced yellow onion between them.  I just opened my eyes and she was there with her sandwich :D She asked me if I want to eat it right away, but I told her  I am going to do it in a minute. I took a bite to  show her that mmmm... it is good... But .. I secretly  took onions and put them to trash can :D I ate the bread and  she asked again, if I liked it. I smiled again and said .. OF COURSE,   you make the best sandwiches.... 
That was our last Mothers day , and second Mothers day in a row I have cried because I miss  My happy carefree   Baby Girl. 

1 comment:

ByTheSea said...

Hugs.. to you... so sorry about your sweet baby girl. I was wondering how you were doing.