Stillness speaks.

@ Maya bar in hangzhou

After Watching Oprahs Lifeclass on line I  started to read book "Stillness Speaks". FOr a while I have been trying to find the right book to read that speaks to me and   I am on same page with it. I failed in the past miserably. I feel like Oprahs show started on Right time  because whatever she was speaking in her show made sense. EVERY Lifeclass I watched  thought me something new about myself because  I was exactly the person who needed to be in there , right then ,,and right now...
While reading this book, I found myself  sad that I have forgotten about the person I really am. I have become someone else who does not like me. I have built up walls so high that when thinking about breaking them down  will scare me a little.  What if I become vulnerable again? What if history repeats? What if ... BUT I have to be the bigger person and start taking little steps here and there and I am willing to learn and starting to let go...

... Following "lesson" is from Stillness speaks...

Do you experience frequent and repetitive drama in your close relationships? Do relatively insignificant disagreements often trigger violent arguments and emotional Pain?
At the root of such experiences lie the basic egoic patterns: The need to be right and , of course, for someone else to be wrong; that is to say , identifications with mental positions. There is also the ego's need to be periodically in conflict with something or someone in order to strengthen its  sense of separation between "me" and the "other" without which it cannot survive.
In addition there is the accumulated emotional pain from the past that you and each human being carries within, both from your personal past as well as the collective pain of humanity that goes back a long, long time. This "pain-pody" is and energy field within you that sporadically takes you over because it needs to experience more emotional pain for it to feed on and replenish itself. It will try to control your thinking and make it deeply negative . It loves your negative thoughts , since it resonates with their frequency and so can feed on them. It will also provoke negative emotional reactions in people close to you, especially your partner, in order to feed on the ensuing drama and emotional pain.

How can you free yourself from this deep- seated unconscious identification with  pain that creates so much misery in your life?

Become aware of it. Realize that it is to not who you are, and recognize it for what it is: Past pain. Witness it as it happens in your partner or in yourself. When your unconscious identification with it is broken, when you are able to observe it within yourself, you don't feed it anymore, and it will gradually lose its energy charge.

.....

 I am trying, really hard... And i hope that one day I will get there, better sooner than later :)