Saturday, January 23
I am sorry I have not updated for a while. I can't seem to bring myself writing down what I am feeling or how I am feeling or how I am dealing with my feelings. SOmetimes I don't even know how I feel. I just go with the flow. I wake up, I do what I have to do and rest of the day I just sit and do nothing. No talking till 2.05... Texting once in a while, phonecalls once in a while, dinners with awesome supporters and friends once in a while. But I choose to stay quiet and calm and I enjoy silence. I enjoy peace. I enjoy hearing sing chirping or wind blowing . I enjoy hearing hail and rain hitting my rooftop middle of the night. I enjoy hearing cars driving by . I enjoy wondering what will my life be in few months....
ESTONIA- Christmas in Estonia was awesome, amazing experience.. I can not believe that our whole family was togehter. ( almost... REgina RIP and my stepdad who i never met)... BUT.. anyway.
My sister and his boyfriend, Nick and I and Gabriel, My mom and stepdad, My brother his gfriend , son and daugher my sisters boyfriends sister and mom... and 2 random village people who decided to show up and amuse us..
FOod was great, people were great and I was happy... ANd again I decided to be quiet. I wanted to hear what people were talking, laughing about, smiling about. I wanted to hear so I can learn how to be happy again. I can look happy outside, I do things that make me happy, but I don't feel it.
I feel enormous emptiness in me .. JUST like before I had kids. I felt like I NEEDED to have kids to fill that hole. ANd I did ... Now I feel like I failed to deliver. I feel like I did something wrong. I keep wondering- what I have to do to fill this empty hole with honest deeds so it will mean everything ot me... to my family and to my friends. .. I want to take my first step towards healing, but how do i know when it is right time...
I miss my Princess REgina and I see her everywhere... SHe left a lasting mark to my heart.. and I dont' think this mark will be ever erasable,