Saturday, January 23


I am sorry I have not updated for a while. I can't seem to bring myself writing down what I am feeling or how I am feeling or how I am dealing with my feelings. SOmetimes I don't even know how I feel. I just go with the flow. I wake up, I do what I have to do and rest of the day I just sit and do nothing. No talking till 2.05... Texting once in a while, phonecalls once in a while, dinners with awesome supporters and friends once in a while. But I choose to stay quiet and calm and I enjoy silence. I enjoy peace. I enjoy hearing sing chirping or wind blowing . I enjoy hearing hail and rain hitting my rooftop middle of the night. I enjoy hearing cars driving by . I enjoy wondering what will my life be in few months....

ESTONIA- Christmas in Estonia was awesome, amazing experience.. I can not believe that our whole family was togehter. ( almost... REgina RIP and my stepdad who i never met)... BUT.. anyway.
My sister and his boyfriend, Nick and I and Gabriel, My mom and stepdad, My brother his gfriend , son and daugher my sisters boyfriends sister and mom... and 2 random village people who decided to show up and amuse us..
FOod was great, people were great and I was happy... ANd again I decided to be quiet. I wanted to hear what people were talking, laughing about, smiling about. I wanted to hear so I can learn how to be happy again. I can look happy outside, I do things that make me happy, but I don't feel it.
I feel enormous emptiness in me .. JUST like before I had kids. I felt like I NEEDED to have kids to fill that hole. ANd I did ... Now I feel like I failed to deliver. I feel like I did something wrong. I keep wondering- what I have to do to fill this empty hole with honest deeds so it will mean everything ot me... to my family and to my friends. .. I want to take my first step towards healing, but how do i know when it is right time...

I miss my Princess REgina and I see her everywhere... SHe left a lasting mark to my heart.. and I dont' think this mark will be ever erasable,


Kathy said...

You know, even if you could erase the pain of having lost Regina I believe you would chose not to.

She was such a beautiful spirit, the pain is in direct proportion to the person she was.

As for happiness, I believe you will find that too, but I know that for me in the happiest of moments I think I miss the loved ones I've lost the most.

Because the best thing about love is sharing the happy momens.

Peace to you, mama Tan.

Patty said...

Great photos of your family getting together for Christmas. This first Christmas had to be a hard one. Thinking of you and your family.

Terri said...

Happy New Year Diana!! I loved seeing all the pics of you & your family!! So glad you got to spend that time with them!!


Ann said...

I am Brenda Ostrander's mother. My husband of 54 years passed away about the same day as Regina. We had prayed for Regina every day from the time we first learned she was sick - right after Kindergarten. His funeral was the day after Regina's at Saddleback and he is buried quite near her in the same cemetary. Brenda and I miss him so terribly. We have started Grief Share at Saddleback on Monday evenings. Between 40 and 50 people were there who all had lost a loved one recently. All of the facilitators have also lost a loved one. (The director of the program lost his wife and unborn baby to cancer when she was in her twenties. A short time later, he lost his 5-year old son in a bus accident.) If and when you feel that you need a safe place to go - a place where many others are traveling the same road, you may want to try Grief Share. (You don't need to be a member of Saddleback.) I think that it will be a help to Brenda and to myself. I still pray for you quite often as I know that the pain must be paralyzing at times. I know that mine is.
Ann Moore (We met at the Saddleback office a few days before the funerals.)

Sleeping Beauty said...

Hi :):) I do remember you:) In a way it was very surreal to see you at saddleback , righ after we just had meeting with pastor Pat... and then there were you .. I did do couple of those support group meetings, but I quit after I was placed in a group of people who had lost of spouses or sisters or brothers.. Not a child. For Me I needed someone to understand that we all grieve differently, and not ignore what I had just said... and go on...I guess it was a sign that I know what to do and how to grieve so I can move on.
I still have cards that you made for Regina. I was just cleaning her room the other day and found one with from Ann More and prayer line...

I miss my Princess Regina Dearly, and I am happy that I am surrounded by people who bring joy to our lives :).. (Hugs to YOu )))

Tiffani said...

I miss your regular posts but I do understand why you cannot do so as often.
I think of you and Regina often.