Monday, January 24

Happy New Year..

 Happy new year to you all. Luckily I am NOT late , since Chinese new year has not started yet;)

Again, lot of time has passed since last posting, and lot has happened.  Quick recap.
Gabriel and I spent our Holidays in Estonia. This year it was extremely difficult for me. I am not even sure why, but I was the WORST guest  this year. Nothing made me happy.   And If I was happy for a second or 2 , extreme sadness came over me and robbed every piece of  lightness and joy I felt.  I   avoided talking about Regina, because I knew It would break me even more  and put me into that deep dark hole.  Second Christmas without my girl and I miss her even more than before.   Scary.  She is physically gone from our lives but she is in MY mind, in Nicks mind and in Gabriels mind 24/7.   I saw her smiling face everywhere- making snow angels, trying out foods and making grinning face,  trying to communicate with her Estonian BFF Krissu,   Smiling, giggling... UGH..  
I have not been able to  separate Regina from our current events.  Nothing feels same, and I know it will never will, So HOW am I going to learn to live  without her?  Will I ever ? Where do I find the strength to do so?
Also, another Reason I am not speaking MY MIND about Regina and our issues with people who have not lost a  10 year old or 11 or 2 or 24 year old daugter/Son, BECAUSE,  I can't handle responses they are STILL giving me.. Oh, time willmake everything better, Don't worry, we understand,   Really, you still mourn, you still think about her ? etc. Some comments are acceptable, but I rather NOT feel that rush of anger towards people who  never experienced this kind of loss in their lives.   I can talk about my Sweet princess  HOURS, And HOURS, and HOURS, but seriously- who wants to hear same stories over and over and over again?   

Srry.. Got little carried away with my own little problems, that by now should not be problems at all..   BUT I am making little success .. I am already thinking about her more often and I am NOT afraid to think about happy times we had, questions she asked.  What I am afraid is-- EVERY time I think about those wonderful laughter filled times, It all ends with  her last hours with us.. And I remember her elevated  breathing, and heart rate,  and dark empty eyes,  her deep dark pupils, .. And it scares me ,  I can't forget those last hours,  It feels like it was yesterday.. 

Estonia was Great. I decided this year NOT to visit  Everyone. I mentioned couple of times where I am at, and if someone want's to see me , please come and see me.  I wan't to relax during my trips, and  plan my own time, and I feel like Estonia trips are like one big responsibility- I have to see this and that and third person because they are relatives and will be upset..  Well, too bad.  I will be upset, if I can't see that and that and that person, because  I wan't to be happy to;)  So I wen't to places I wanted, did what I needed to do. ;) Gabriel had fun. I do go to Estonia mostly because of Gabriel, his grandparents,   my sister, my brother. At least he gets to see them :D

...To be continued...

No comments: