School, moving, and more...

CAPO teachers are on strike.. SEcond day in a row.. Most kids skip school because of this. but NOT gabriel. He actually enjoys 17 kid classrooms now ;) hehe.  I hope that teachers get what they deserve.:) 

Moving... Yeah, getting our house  market ready is not the easiest  procedure.. Repaint all walls some  sort of beige,  fix dry wall issues,  organize,   this , that, third, fourth...  To be honest...  Don't get it at all...  Our house is in great condition--- BUT COLOR is what has to be changed.  COLOR, and it is major project... It will cost us about 6000 to color all our rooms/baseboards/   that "beige/ white.

I already removed all photos from walls . It was very emotional  process..  Lot of tears, lot of memories, great memories were hiding within those photos... I cried, and smiled, and cried again:) . I had serious discussions with myself... I was about to call realtors and tell them  I AM NOT SELLING, I can't do this.. BUT I can't stay to this house ether. I have to break free from my "jail".  And I know we can do it.

Walking up the stairs reminds me HOW regina took her last steps up.. and last steps down.. Taking a bath reminds me  when I last washed her in there..   Driving my car ..... REminds me our last ride to Mall , Chilies,  SEeing a paperclip , reminds her collection of paperclips... 

Today , I put on pants I havent worn couple of years, and I felt something STUCK on my ass.... it was sticker LETTER R... It put a smile on my face..hehe.

I want to thank you all for emailing me once in a while, calling me once in a while, and asking how I am doing once in a while :)

:D:D:D:D Today I try to smile because I am alive :D:D:D

7 Months...

(  20 Minutes after  getting "bad" news.. Ride back from CHLA to our house, I  climbed from my seat  to back seat, sat  between Regina and Gabriel and cried   and smiled, and tried to make them smile...

Dear calendar makers... Please cut out date 20 from your calendars.... 20 Will never be my favorite date :(

Tallapoosa, Chicks and more..

Lets talk about Southern Hospitality. I really thought there is nut such thing as nice, warm Welcoming Southern Hospitality,, TILL I got to experience it myself. 
Thanks to Marr Family, who invited us to spend Spring Break with them in Georgia , we got to meet Gabes best friends grandparents.

We  got  to Blackmons  house in Tallapoosa around 5 am.   It was dark one hour ride from airport to their house. Kids only got 2 hours of sleep and that is it. My friends mom and dad welcomed us with open arms and invited us in to have some breakfast . Pancakes, eggs, bacon:):):) YUMMM:):):) After that we tried to get some sleep.
Tuesday Morning was not the easiest morning for Gabriel. He was tired, whiny and did not seem very excited about being there.. But he warmed up and by the end of the day he had made friends with Chickens, chicks, and open spaces surrounding Blackmons house.

 Tallapoosa is beautiful Country side.   Reminded me a  lot of My home willage in Estonia BUT WITH one big difference. Tallapoosa was very well taken care of ..  well,,, I am not talking about suspicious trailers here and there, that most likely had one or two or 3 "suspicious  "  people cooking up some special potion .... but in general    I was experiencing spring Like I have not done so past 12 years. Blooming apple, cherry and dogwood  trees, Wisteria, tulips, dafodills, ... Green grass, trees getting their leaves and.... LOTS OF YELLOW POLLEN, so much pollen that one day we could see trees  having pollen explosions... now, that was a site I have never seen....

In GA we visited , Coca Cola museum, Toured CNN studios, ate great food at Plates and Buckhead club.   Centennial Gardens welcomed us with Butterflies and Birds of Pray show.

Gabriel is True Chicken Farmer. He fell in love with Chickens and Chicks. Every morning he woke up, first thing he did was to check eggs. ANd he was very dissapointed when S.  grandfather found eggs first.. So, we had REAL egg hunt... Jealous, You all???? ;)

SOuthern accents, charm and hospitality is something I will never forget .  I haven't been so happy for a very long time.  I had time to  relax and think.  I had time to think about what is important for me and what is that I value most in this life.. And  sometimes it Takes Georgia trip to make me think about important things in life...

I can honestly say.. I left my heart in Tallapoosa...
You can see all the photos I took in my Picasa album:)
http://picasaweb.google.com/dianatan78/Georgia2010#

During this trip I heard sad news. We lost another sweet girl to Cancer... Rest In Peace Lauren. You will be missed.


Tallapoosa Facts... it has about 3200 people
Land Area- 7,41 miles
More Females than men,
91% White

Another First..

First Easter without my Beautiful  Regina.  I Have been trying to keep myself busy, hanging out with friends, doing gazillion things same time, blasting music so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.. But the truth is  It  is not helping at all.

Yesterday we had Easter Egg hunt.  I just channeled my thoughts away from it.. Trying to think about things that don't remind her.   Again, not  successful... after I got home  from hunt and shopping.. I just worked out and cried ..  It was good, Crying was good.  But today I feel same all over again... 
I look out  to my back yard and  in my mind I see walking in her nightgown from  one end to other trying to get some Easter eggs...

Oh.. I miss her soo much.

:(

I miss my man.  I HATE him being away from us on HIS birthday. Birthdays have been THE MOST IMPORTANT "holidays" ever for us,   and ones  that actually mean something. THESE ARE   DATES are not made up by some ST. Nicholas, or Jesus, or   witches... These are ACTUAL DATES we popped out of vagina's .. YES , you heard me right.  hehe..
Anyway, Nick will be 44 on March 31st :D:D:D:D

 MISS HIM TO PIECES :)

I want to thank you all my friends who have been here for me and offered their big fat ear  and really listened -- silently:)  I know how hard it is  to listen and not give advise  that may not work. But you managed to do so , and you know who you are :D

We. have couple of really exciting things happening here...  Spring BREAK FOR GABRIEL and ME:) wohoooo.   One week no homework.  ONE WEEK NO WAKING UP 6.15 AM. ONE WEEK OF FRIED SOUTHERN FOOD...Nothing can beat that ??? YES:) We are packing our carry on luggage  and heading to Atlanta, Georgia. Gabriels best friends family lives there, and     I am soooo happy that they invited us  with them to meet S.  Grandparents and uncles and whoever else is there.  I heard that there are lots of chickens and CHicks , so I should feel like I am home.. ( my childhood). And one week of fried foods sound like paradise.  I have not had anything fried for a very very long time.:D:D:D:D:D:D.. Anyway... I am beyond excited. I am  just ready to take this world :)

After that trip, NICK COMES HOME>. Wooo fucking hooooooo.  AND we decided after we got a great recommendation from our next door neighbors, to go to Arizona. We visited Grand canyon once before, but it was before kids. THis time we are taking  Gabriel with us and  we are making  it an adventure.
http://www.thetrain.com/
  We are going to drive there, take train ride, hike, drive back  and enjoy our little family :)(:):):)

 Sure.. during THIS upcoming  spring/ summer we have to find renters to our wonderful  colorful house with awesome view and  location.. Not to mention neighbors ;) WE HAVE THE BEST NEIGHBORS  ever:D

<3
Missing our Princess Regina.. Going to Ice Cream store is painful, GOing to Mall is painful, Going to   Tall Mouse craft store is painful, GOING TO POOOL is very , very  painful.  But I am doing it, because I know she would not want  me to feel sad and  depressed all the time.  I know  she wants me to be best ME ever.  But wherever I go, I carry her with me.  SHe is forever in my Heart. She is constantly in my mind.. ANd I just found out that Gabriel things about her more than I thought he would.

Gabriel has  never been attached to any of his toys, clothes, blankets...  never, ever ever... But past 4 months or so, he can't part of his comforter. He wakes up with it, carries it to our rocking chair, takes it to computer room, takes it to our car. .. eats  lunch dinner and breakfast   being covered with it...  Regina was her security blanket before, ..she liked taking  care of her and being protective of her.. and now he feels very protective of his blanker.:(:(:(:(

I feel so sad for Gabriel :(


I hope you all are having great time and BE YOU :) Don't try to be someone else.   We have enough copycats and  liars . I really want to see MORE YOU people.. " Get Naked" and stop pretending ....

Luv.

di.

Oh wow, 3/30  was beautiful day... 6 months since Reginas passing .  Day itself was really , really beautiful. We woke up and headed out to our community Spring party :) Candy, music, food, cupcakes, lots of people :) IT was fun. Also.. 9 years in our community and  within this 9 years we have attended lot of community events. NOT ONCE we won before.. but on 03.30  Gabriel won easter basket with Cars and candy:) ANd we saw cloud heart :) I know Reginas was present in that event. CUPCAKE DECORATING??? ARE YOU FOR REAL??? She can't miss those events. :) ANyway it was awesome sunday :)  and you should have seen Gabriel smile when we won :) HE was soooo happy :)

I have to admit something...

 Something big, something very serious. And some words may hurt some of you.  I have been avoiding lot of you. Especially those of you who have daughters..  and we used to hang out, do things, fun things, talk, compare..   Everytime I hear some of you say something fun about your daughters  I feel pain.   Every time I see  8,9,10 year old's walking down the street with fun outfits, I see   Regina.  Every time  you brag about how well your daughters are doing, I feel like crying.  And I eventually do. Sometimes I just leave conversation  rudely and come back when I think I can  hold alright conversation..

I  really am doing my best, but  is not as easy as I thought.  I don't think it ever will be. :( I had  great conversations with some of my cancer moms who have lost kids 6-7 years ago, and  at times they still feel like I feel now, and it scares.   I don't want  people to feel afraid to talk about things with me,  and I don't want them to feel   angry at me when I stop them and say. Enough please. ..

 I have been "nesting" in a way, or spring cleaning.  I am freeing myself from things I could not give up because of Regina, because she loves  lot of tiny nick nacks...  And I had looot of those.  few boxes full, well, before shelves full, but now boxes....   Well, in a way, I just try to keep myself busy at home.   Walks, cooking, playing with Gabriel, reading, facebook, photos,  Nick,  lunches dinners with friends,  dancing, and my wine and cheese... :D:D:D:D I also am getting myself mentally ready for China.  2 weeks ago I was not as ready as I am today. Nut I am not ready to sell our house with  horrible real estate market. .. If you think you can  pay 4000 dollars for rent    per month for at least 15 months, this house will be yours ;)  Great location,  awesome views, perfect neighbors:D hehe.

Talk to you soon :)

Just few photos :D:D:D:D

Gabriel watching tv

:D

Hei dear Followers :) Thanks for Sticking with me and my messalicious life...hee. Things are not bad, they are just different. Very different. My day may start out so great. HAPPY, smily, danging , working out.. and then.. wa waaa waaaaa.. For example. I am going to grocery store. I get my stuff and head towards cashiers. and then I see DVD... Strawberry shortcake, or BARBIE or Princess DVD. And I feel like letting it out right there... Holding back my tears I proceed to checkout . I place my items to table. Cashier asks me " How are you doing today?" , I look at her, smile and say. I am doing GREAT, how are you doing.... And she tells me. " not the Best morning", but got a do what you got to do... " I just look at her again and tell her. Hope your day gets better...
BUT instead, I wanted to tell her when she asked. " Are you fucking sure you want to know how I am doing? Are you really sure? because if you knew what I have to say, you would not be asking how I was doing after seeing my Daughters fave snacks, dvd/s balloons, books, drinks,... How I was doing.. YOu would be giving me one huuuge hug. Because that is what I need .. right now...

But.. I bite insides of my cheeks, and keep a straight but disturbed face.. I thank them for bagging my groceries, tell them, NO , Idon't need help taking my cart to my car. And see you soon.. .. And I leave and I feel free.. till .... there is something else that reminds me something... something something....
I hate my brain. I hate it. I wish there was easier way to deal with all this. But there isn't and I have to make it work. And I thank my blog and readers for it :) Thank you. For checking in once in a while, leaving inspirational feedback. Sorry , I don't reply to all of you. But I take every message with me, and keep it close to my heart. :)

Ups and downs,...

( Rainbow over our Community )

. WOW. March. I cant believe that in 10 days it will be 6 months . 6 months is long time for some, but for me time has gone by very fast. I still remember everything like it was yesterday.. I remember it to details. I remember placing my ear against her chest to make sure IT was her last breath. I was hoping NOT,.. but .. I hat to do it second time to make sure my ear WAS placed on her heart.... It was not beating. It was not beating. IT HAD STOPPED BEATING.. I knew that it would happen. I knew, but when it did happen i wished I was magician... I wished I could say 3 magic words and she would wake up and smile like there was no cancer.. IN THIS DIMENSION... In this world, with us. HERE... But things like this never happen.
We all remember our babies first movement in our tummy, first smile, first steps, first tooth, First everything. EVERYTHING.But I also remember everything last... Last thibg she tasted, last outfit, last words-- I love you tooo---, last look in her eyes... last time she took her breath... last.. LAST... I remember last time I touched her.... She was cold.. cold.. I don't want to remember it. It is something that is very hard to erase from my memory. .. But what gives me piece is Seeing her last time in her casket. She looked in peace.. She looked so peaceful..
Sorry readers that I have to drag you down with me. But this is what I feel how I feel. I have lot of good days. LOT of good days, lot of smiles , laughter happiness. Plenty of it, but when good thoughts leave, darkness takes place... and it stays for a while...
....
Today I was again holding Reginas things, looking at her stash of stickers. SHE loved stickers and crayons. SHE LOVED them. If I gave her sheet of stickers, she would take her scissors and cut them out one by one. She could do it for hours. just cut out stickers. and she stored them in her hannah montana shoe box. at first she did store them at plastic bags, but I told her to put them all at one place, and she did. When she could not cut with her right hand, she would switch over and do it with her left hand... . and I have that box of her stickers. I did give away lot of her cut stickers ,but I still have some. :) It is funny tho think that it gave her joy. Stickers made her smile.. Cutting out stickers was fun :)and crayons were her choice for coloring and drawing:) SHe sharpened her crayons. And again, she could sit for an hour to just sharpen them. And again , she liked doing it:) now and then i get an image of her sharpening her crayons. I usually think about it when I sharpen my lip or eye pencil. ..
aahh.. silly me. I MISS HER SO, SO MUCH.

I miss my Cupcake Princess.

I miss my Baking Buddy Regina. I really do. I remember our last time baking together. She had already lost ability to use her right hand and struggled to stir her cupcake dough. I had to help her. BUT she did it. I remember how she used her left hand and placed paper cupcake liners into pan. I remember helping her back to her sofa where she patiently waited cupcakes to be ready. I remember her eating 3-4 at a time ( she was on steroids),.. And that was last time she ever baked of prepared us something. . I have baked cupcakes once since then. It was very hard thing for me to do.****
I have not felt like writing. I think about writing, I have opened up this blog many time and type couple of sentences but then I erase it. I have lot to say, I HAVE lot in my mind and I wish I was in happier better place, but I am not. I am still very broken inside. Still hurting, still crying and holding back tears when I am at public place and something reminds me of Regina. I avoid going to LNES because I see "her Friends", I avoid people because I feel like I can't handle hugs and we are thinking of you comments...I do fun things and GO OUT, but oftentimes instead of smiling I wanted to cry..