Checking in...

We are still living in China. In Hangzhou. I think I have lost my mind and I am slowly going crazy in here.  2 1/2 years in this place can do that to a person.

  Tomorrow is Halloween.  Not my favorite holiday if you ask me. Not anymore :(    IT USED TO BE.
  We had so much fun with Regina and Gabriel doing all sorts of Halloween activities- Pumpkin patch, fairs, dressing up, buying outfits, cupcake baking,  Disneyland. Every little cute witch Reminds me of Regina .  Gabriel now has "grown up" and does not care much for stuff.   ANd we don't have pumpkin patches here, or farms, or  halloween parties..
I have been experiencing lot of tears and sadness over past couple of days, and nothing  helps me get better. :(
I miss my Halloween partner in crime:)

R.I.P Princess Regina xoxo

Love Mom.

09/19/1999-09/20/2009

I know you all expected some sort of post from me.   You  had every right to do so. After all ,  it was Reginas Birthday and day later the day she earned her beautiful angel wings and halo.

I opened this blog many times  but I did not have right words to write down. Everything was just stuck within me.  As much as I wanted to push out my thoughts and feelings,  I could not .
I actually felt during those 2 days , that I was "helped" .  THe whole week was just very hard for me. I tried to keep myself as busy as possible, watching every crime drama there was, so my thoughts would not wonder to that day..  the day she passed.

I was doing great .. I really was. But the closer to her birthday , the more pain I started experiencing.  TO the point I just could not handle anything negative. I just cried...    I want to forget the day she passed away.  I actually want to forget the time  when I first knew that She will not make it till the day she passed away. Because I would never want anyone to see me like that. I would not want anyone to experience the pain I ( we ) all went through.  And seeing your love one dying  and not being able to do anything at all to save her... Just comfort. And not knowing if I am doing it right.  I think , that sometimes I feel her pain, because I think she want's me to feel it.  And I know one day I will be there and experiencing whatever she went through...

I miss her every day.  I miss her hugs, her smile,  giggles,  toys, moodiness, silliness,  her thrive to survive.
And I can't stand that I was not able to  make one of her biggest wishes come through... Her wish to live...

RIP Princess Regina.. xoxoxo.. One day....

Thank you all ( you know who) for your well wishes and emails  and comments. Past year has been real struggle when it comes to my relationship with my husband. We made some progress .. AND then  had some major setbacks, because I am just not willing to settle  .. FORGET PAST and move on..  You can never forget, you can move on, but not just MOVE ON.  It takes work, and work and more work.  And opening up about the things you never want to and tears and pain and mean words and more tears until everything is out here in front of us. I admit. I am really aggressive when it comes to talking. I NEED to talk, especially when I see the other person is "hiding" something, but he's words are like this... EVERYTHING IS OK.. REALLY?? It is not, I know, I see, I feel.  It is not ok. DOn't tell me you are a guy and you don't do the talking...  MAYBE when you are dating girl after girls you don't really need to do the talking, but when you choose somebody to be there for you  you have to, even if  you don't like  where talking can sometimes take you.

Nick once mentioned about some sort of quote  that he got on his cell about...".The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch swing with, never say a word , and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had."

I agree. THis quote came after I told him I WANT him to be my best friend. I WANT him to be my best everything. BUT it can't happen before he decides he wants to be that honest BEST person to whom I sit next to and understand right away. It will happen one day,  but till then we have still lot of work to do.. Maybe it never happens, but all I can say is.. I TRIED... :)

Those of you don't know. We are going to Estonia this year to renew our vows.  We never had any sort of party for US in Estonia. It has been always for kids... or me alone. But this time around we needed party and since we get along ( most of the time) we decided it is time to do it.   We got married on december 28th, 1998 in Las Vegas, so this year we would be celebrating our 14th year wedding anniversary....we had hell of a  14 years...  Regina would have turn 13 on sept 19th, Gabriel will turn 11 on june 22.

 I remember while ago I told someone that if someone treats me the way i have been treated I would leave right away... But it is not that simple. Actually , Easy thing is to leave.. Just turn back and you are out.  Who knows what future brings. We are all grown ups, Gabriel knows what is going on.

I guess we are just living life the way we supposed to. Nobody know the ending  or our happily ever after :)

Everything hurts.

Life as it is  is not as sweet as it should be.  It is Mothers day. What is Mothers day anyway? Day when all mothers feel spoiled and spend a day with their families having fun?
When Regina was alive, she was awesome :) She came up with the MOST creative ways of making me moms day breakfast, or cards. She even helped Gabriel with it.. Now  ...  Gabriel does not have it... Nick does not believe in holidays , or days like this.  He only does it because "i believe" in them and I believe in some traditions, and now he has been throwing this to my face...

This years  Mothers day started out weird.. I woke Up 9... The moment Gabriel heard it he ran into room and handed me card and Coffee from starbucks. I was really happy  that he did it :) I gave him hug and  said thank you :)

I walked into living room and there was Nick sitting behind his computer. I asked if he wants to have breakfast , he said, Gabriel and Him already had it  and HE could not wait till I get up... I was still hoping at that point that It was a joke.  I walked into Kitchen and Sink was full of dishes... I just cleaned up  night before, because I did not want My morning to be "cleaning" morning... There were no flowers, No food, No nothing, and to be honest I was upset. I really was.....

 I asked Nick why he was not guiding Gabriel to do anything more special. HELP him, etc... He said.. .He is not my mother, so he really does not have to help anyone to do anything. At that point I just broke down  and started crying. We had awesome time night before with friends and I could not figure out what went wrong.. It is like He had completely different personality. I did tell him that I am disappointed  in him and he yelled back .. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.????


 He went back to sleep and I took gabriel and we went to gym. Since I can't drive here yet, we had to take a bus. And it takes about 40 minutes to get there ( 10 km). When we got to gym  HE WAS THERE.. I could not believe my eyes.     I tried to work out, but in the middle of my run I started crying again and I just could not take it anymore.  I told him we are leaving to have lunch .. he said. Whatever.   He did not join us. I HOPED, I really did... When we got to place, it was closed... OUT OF ALL THE sundays , this sunday PLACE was closed....  :( I was unhappy, Gabriel was unhappy, but we chose something else near by and ate our food:) Chit chatting and talking about stuff like.. If dad was here, he would  be making comments like -- WHY do you guys eat this shit, it is bad for you etc... And we ate , and smiled, and ate some more:)... Nick promised, that he will pick us up about 2. 30, after his meeting with "someone" is up.. He  changed his mind....  He did not... We walked home... :):):): In a way it was nice walk home,  Gabriel and I had a nice talk about  WHAT he likes, NOt what ( nick wants him to be), and   I could not believe what he trusted me... ANyway..  Gabriel is one amazing soul  and I want him to grow up the BEST and most successful person ever :) He deserves it :)

Nick has been throwing me hints all day long that He does not need to help Gabriel... WTF?? HOW come??/ Gabriel wants to have flowers... Flowers are 3 km away.. he wanted to buy a gift for me--- NICK HAD MONTHS to do so... Instead Nick said.. WELL, SInce you wanted to go out with your friends last night , I could not take Gabriel out to buy you a gift.... ALl I hear are excuses.

 I need a friend in him as well, but He can't be one because husbands are not supposed to be friends, and friends are overrated anyway...


 I tried to start a conversation about Regina, but I was shot down.. because in his mind, we had different relationships with her and We could not understand each other...

I don't have anyone else to take about it because I feel like I am bugging everyone with my pity problems....  I chose this life, so I should be  owning it....

But sometimes It just gets to much and when it does...... Everything hurts.....

I don't hate Nick... Far from that. I  love him.  I just think that Becoming CEO has completely changed him. He pretends to be good to everybody else but when he is at home, he dumps all his issues on us and does not care how we feel at times.  I hope he gets better soon.

I just need some hugs...  Lot of them... and real ones without questions asked :)

Again... I chose this life...