Life As It Is

:D:D:D:D:D

2011-12-31T07:55:00.000-08:00

7 More minutes before 2012 kicks in...

DOn't waste your life pickering over small thing, see the big picture :) You all deserve it ...

kisses and hugs... or... XOXOXOXOXO

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The Tans..

Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays :)

2011-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all the best holiday season ever :) We are not doing anything special. It is 24th of December here in CHina already,and at this moment Nick is at work :) Yup:) Saturday , and he is working hard.

Gabriel is lying on the floor, on a red lambskin and is playing his DS:)
You can guess twice what I am doing.. Haha. Right you got it. RIght now I am typing this blog but same time I am checking my meal.

We had talked that most likely we will eat dinner somewhere in Restaurant, but since Nick is working , I decided, what the heck. I am just going to make something for us :) So Tonights dinner will be Roasted Pork hock, pan roasted potatoes with lots of garlic, simple salad with mandarine vinaigrette , Pan fried salmon with white wine reduction and sauerkraut.

I also scored glogg( mulled wine) from Ikea and after dinner we will be watching Home Alone2 and opening our gifts :) I know it will be great evening :)

I dreamed of Regina couple of nights ago, she was just smiling at me and that was it :)
Merry Christmas Angel Regina :) We miss you . Rest in Peace :)

Happy Holidays:)

2011-12-20T03:31:00.000-08:00

My Beautiful kids singing Karaoke few years ago:) Right now I look at this video and smile that I had these moments with them. I miss Regina and her spunky personality :) I know That she would be most amazing 12 year old most amazing purse collection and her own recipe book full of pictures of her favorite foods :)

Gabriel is amazing 10 year old. He is into so much right now. he enjoys tennis, plays piano and drums. He want's to learn guitar next, since ukulele is way to easy for him .

He is also getting into singing and when he plays familiar tune on piano , he sings out loud when he thinks no one is listening to him :)

I love my kids. :)

I hope you all are having great holiday season. I am not so much into Christmas this years. I haven't written a single card this year. I haven't really shopped gifts, since everything is overpriced here and it makes no sense to buy 70 dollar lego, that is 35 dollars in USA. Gabriel did write to santa and he said he wants to have WARM blanket and warm pillow, since it is very cold in hangzhou ( he is right). Our apartment does not have central heating, and it gets cold in here when tiny heating boxes are not turned on... Today I walked into master bedroom and temp in there was 9C. I usually turn heat of in the room I am not in, so ... yeah.. It is cold in here.

It is interesting to see how his wishes have changed. I am sure if we were in US , he would have asked for latest game, or gadget... :)

Talk to you soon :) ANd enjoy this video :)

Thanksgiving

2011-11-22T02:58:00.000-08:00

Second Thanksgiving in asia is almost here. Last year we celebrated in Beijing with Nicks friends, this year we are in Hangzhou and I feel already guilty. Why you ask? BUT because I can't invite all the people I want into our tiny apartment:( I made some great friends here and I can only invite about half of them :( I WANT TO CRY OUT LOUD:( Since we don't have double owen I am struggling to make everything come out same time :(
I will be making turkey , gravy, stuffing, green beans, MY potato salad, Mashed potatoes, sweet potato pie, apple pie, some other pastries. And few not so traditional foods but "fan" favorites like kotlett, sour kraut ( because I am not sure where we are going to celebrate christmas), snitslid, 4 cheese surprise and other last minute stuff..
We also ordered turkey number 2 from Eudora station( local western restaurant), because I strongly feel that one can never have to much turkey :)

I also made some bread crumbs today for shnichels, ( crusted fried pork), and asked my ayi bring me some organic sweet potatoes from her family farm. .

I am excited about Thanksgiving, but like I said sad. I WANT everybody to come, but I can't fit 40 kids and 2 adults in this apartment :( ..

Everybody always asks what are we thankful for? This year my answer is easy. I am thankful that we have each other and willing to work on our problems . I am thankful that Gabriel is happy and healthy 5th grader and shows interest in so many things. I am thankful that he has passion and wants to be happy :) I am thankful , that we are are truly happy right now, and I have not been able to say this for a long time :)

I am wishing you all happiness during this Thanksgiving season..

Rest in Peace Princess Regina Melody Tan. I am thankful that I had wonderful 10 years with you , and you thought me so much about NOT GIVING UP!!! I know you are watching down on us and smiling:)

PS... xoxoxox all my friends near and far. I am thinking of you constantly . I just haven't figured out a great way to keep contact with yo all.
LOVE

xoxoxo

Stillness speaks.

2011-11-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

@ Maya bar in hangzhou

After Watching Oprahs Lifeclass on line I started to read book "Stillness Speaks". FOr a while I have been trying to find the right book to read that speaks to me and I am on same page with it. I failed in the past miserably. I feel like Oprahs show started on Right time because whatever she was speaking in her show made sense. EVERY Lifeclass I watched thought me something new about myself because I was exactly the person who needed to be in there , right then ,,and right now...
While reading this book, I found myself sad that I have forgotten about the person I really am. I have become someone else who does not like me. I have built up walls so high that when thinking about breaking them down will scare me a little. What if I become vulnerable again? What if history repeats? What if ... BUT I have to be the bigger person and start taking little steps here and there and I am willing to learn and starting to let go...

... Following "lesson" is from Stillness speaks...

Do you experience frequent and repetitive drama in your close relationships? Do relatively insignificant disagreements often trigger violent arguments and emotional Pain?
At the root of such experiences lie the basic egoic patterns: The need to be right and , of course, for someone else to be wrong; that is to say , identifications with mental positions. There is also the ego's need to be periodically in conflict with something or someone in order to strengthen its sense of separation between "me" and the "other" without which it cannot survive.
In addition there is the accumulated emotional pain from the past that you and each human being carries within, both from your personal past as well as the collective pain of humanity that goes back a long, long time. This "pain-pody" is and energy field within you that sporadically takes you over because it needs to experience more emotional pain for it to feed on and replenish itself. It will try to control your thinking and make it deeply negative . It loves your negative thoughts , since it resonates with their frequency and so can feed on them. It will also provoke negative emotional reactions in people close to you, especially your partner, in order to feed on the ensuing drama and emotional pain.

How can you free yourself from this deep- seated unconscious identification with pain that creates so much misery in your life?

Become aware of it. Realize that it is to not who you are, and recognize it for what it is: Past pain. Witness it as it happens in your partner or in yourself. When your unconscious identification with it is broken, when you are able to observe it within yourself, you don't feed it anymore, and it will gradually lose its energy charge.

.....

I am trying, really hard... And i hope that one day I will get there, better sooner than later :)

November.

2011-10-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, Happy Halloween to you all. IT was one of favorite holidays for REgina, since she could dress up and act all silly :)

Lot of time has passed since my last post. I want to thank you all who thought about us, and sent us notes and emails telling us that they think about Regina and us:) Thank you :) We appreciate it.

..We still live in Hangzhou and are blessed with the worst landlord there is. We think about moving as soon as possible, but since our contract ends in June I believe, we are stuck here and have to make it work. Our apartment does not have central heating, and I am already scared about winter. Night are getting cooler and cooler, and with no time I have to turn on our tiny heater box that is on the wall. And drink lot of lemon, ginger tea with touch of honey .
I have to stop complaining. My life is fabulous. I get to experience world and great fantastic memories with loved ones, but I still find something to complain about. There is always something that bugs me, and I am working hard on me to make me better. I don't know if I made any progress , but I feel like one step at a time, and one day I will find me.:).
..

Gabriel is doing Great in his new school. China has made him more independent, and he loves it . In school he is doing much better than last year. he is MATH genius and very proud of it :) HE also takes tennis lessons, and is very proud of what he as accomplished within past couple of months. For a while he wanted to be President of United States of America, but he decided that it is not such a great idea, since it seems like lot of work. haha.

Boracay, Philippines.

..
Nick and I...
It's complicated, we are working on our relationship and it is hard. Whoever said marriage is easy never most likely tried to work on it. Sometimes it looks like we made progress and sometimes we stumble because I can't keep my eyes half shut.. We have discussed divorce, many times and who knows what next year brings. Right now we are trying to pick up the pieces, not put a blame on each other for our own failures and see where next year takes us. We are 2 very different people with same goal..happiness and we are trying to figure out how to get there ..

We also travel a lot here in Asia. This year we visited Taipei for few days because Nick had to attend conference there. We also spend amazing week in Philippines. I would love to go back there and soak in warm , salty blue water. Stare at blue sky and forget that there is real world somewhere....
I also want to start writing little bit more. I lost it for a while. Nothing made sense and I want things start making sense again. :)

...

The other day I was watching Oprah Lifeclass and in the end of the show She tea poem by Derek Walcott. It was exactly what I needed to start look even more into me. :)

I hope you all are having an amazing year, and don't let fear paralyze you.

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Happy Birthday Princess Regina.

2011-09-18T19:09:00.000-07:00

Forever 10 , forever in our Hearts!

2 years have passed since we last held her.. .

xoxoxoxo

09/20/2011 2 years

2011-09-15T00:08:00.000-07:00

Do I need to say more?
September 20th marks 2 years since Reginas passing. We miss our girl and there isn't a day we don't think about her. :)
Forever in our Hearts, forever loved.
xoxoxoxo

July in Hangzhou

2011-07-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

Life in Hangzhou is different. Heat and humidity are not comparable to any other place I have lived before. It Rains almost every day and now we have heatwave giving us hard time Today thermostat read 43C in shade.. WTF?? and humidity is about 100%. It feels like I live in Sauna.
I have no desire to go outside :(
Our apartment sucks big time . It looks great , but ... HOT water runs out in every 2 minutes because boiler is only 11 liters.

COuntertops are to low and sinks are to small. Hardly any dirty dishes fit in them. NOW , AC is powerful, but it is not central. It is manual. It sits in one corner and blows cold air to our necks, and because of that I got a cold... Just before my trip to ESTONIA :(. When I turn of AC , room gets HOT as hell within minutes. ..

Our elevators are also not air conditioned and are STINKY hot inside. I am telling you. I am living now as normal chinese person. What a life. Only difference is, I get stared at everywhere, people stop and look and point and whisper. I hate it :( I also hate suburb life here. Not my thing. I really started LOVING beijing. Traffic sucked, but I was getting used to it. ...:)

After moving from Beijing to Hangzhou, we visited US for 11 days. California First. Nick got really sick and had to be on antibiotics the whole trip. We argued a lot because he felt like his vacation was "stolen" from him... AND he was the one who needed a real vacation.
California did not disappoint me. I loved our Aliso viejo Renaissance club and sport hotel and I loved seeing familiar faces and i LOVED FOOD> OH, I had no idea how much I missed it till I tasted it.. .MMMMMM
From cali we flew to Washington DC. It was our first time :D Gabriel loved every minute of it. I also got to meet my dear friend Leila there who actually lives in Cali, but was visiting area... SO MUCH FUN :D

Long story short, we ended our trip in NY. AGAIN. I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS CITY ALL OVER AGAIN.
Last time I visited NY was in 1999 I think. Or was it 2000 ?? Anyway. SO much energy, so much life and so many beautiful people. If I only was single... :D

Now we are back in Hangzhou and I have 4 more days before my trip to ESTONIA!! CAN't wait. I am going alone, because Nick thinks it is important for Gabe to learn some more chinese, and he is going to be staying to his Aunt Jinsongs apartment for 3 weeks :D Great . So , nick will get his "vacation" and break from us. But he will be working his assssss offf....:D:D:D:D

I hope you all are having awesome summer, and heat is not as bad as it is here:D
I POSTED SOME OF OUR TRIP PHOTOS To MY FLICKR albums.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/caliwitch

PS.. In a way Cali trip was little hard for me.. I wish Regina was here...xoxoxo

Upset, and missing my Girl.

2011-06-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

I just watched The real housewives of OC reunions. I was angry. Not because gretccccchen or Alexa but because how Slade has no compassion towards his ex and their son. I was in awww when I heard not a single word about I hope G gets better, or cancer never comes back, or WE ( Gretchen and Slade ) going to be there for Gray forever.. I WAS MAD.

When Regina was patient in CHLA we had the chance to see slade and his son couple of times in CHLA. Let me tell you. I was not surprised. All the nurses were around them, babying, awing. hihihihiing and so on. Of course "he was a celebrity" . I even told slade when passing him that I LOVE the show he is on. And I did not lie . I really love OC housewives. B U T

WHen I went to CHLA I already had history with St Jude. ANd awesome history. I was trained well to take care of cancer patient. In CHLA at first I hated it. Everything was done differently. REgina had broviac line and her dressing was changed differently. First time we got a rude asian nurse. And Now I get it why she was rude. In asia people are like this. THey don't care if someone gets hurt . They are just doing their thing. ... And regina got hurt during her dressing change. Nurse rubbed her skin with rubbing alcohol until she was RAW. Her skin was red and she was in tears, but she was not crying. I told the nurse to slow down and do it in my way, because I know what works with my girl. .. Nurse did not listen to me. She said this is how it is easier to do for her.

I called to CHLA the same day and complained and I got reply from head nurse or whoever she was. " I am sorry mrs Tan , we know you are experienced MOM, but we actually have the best system to change line dressings and blahblahbalba... I just listened to her and told her... IS IT OK TO 7 Year old skin to start bleeding during line change? Is it ok to get infected while her counts are low? I was told sorry and we look into it.... And from that day on THAT NURSE never really spoke to me again. BUT she did spoke to other cute cancer patients. and I felt sick. I don't like that nurse to this day. She was taking sides , and not thinking about patients.

And that nurse was always all over SLade and his son. I was it , we were right there getting hard chemo, Regina throwing up , sad.....

But whenever we got there, she never even made eye contact or bothered to say HI, Regina, how are you doing. You are so cute today, Look at your dress... We saw how she treated other patients, She was very selective...... I felt she was very unfair.

BUT ,, Regina did have her favorite nurses one of her was Marlene. She always made us smile and laugh.:) And we are thankful that we get to see such an passionate person who truly cared about her patients. Everybody loved her.

Anyway. I know, I still feel bitter towards some people in my past, but I can't change it. I know it is time to give up and move on and focus all the good there is. But at least once a week I hear stories from people I know how their loved ones were miss treated..... just because...

AHH... I just hope that Slade will step out or Gretchens shadow and starts doing what he is supposed to. Being a mom to a cancer kid is hard, and I can't imagine how hard it is to have an ex who is dad to that boy who's lis fighting hard every day to m a ke it work.

I just hope it stops soon, because it is not right.

OC housewives and husbands need to grow up...

2011-06-12T03:51:00.000-07:00

My updates are as rare as rain in Beijing. It is extremely hard to please my bilingual crowd. Living in China is not easy, and writing in English in CHina is very hard. I really do prefer Estonian language here. Very weird. English is not my first or second language. It is my 4th language. I was born in Estonia and my first language was Estonian. I think in third grade I started learning Russian, and then in high school I mastered my beginning level of Finnish. I think I was alright in finnish. And right now I am studying mandarin Chinese. IT is hard. VERY hard. I can understand a lot, and I nod my head when people tell me something, but I can't answer to all the questions yet. My vocabulary is basic, but I am learning every day new words. I guess I am just way to shy and self conscientious about how I say it and because of that I prefer to keep my mouth shut. I hate repeating one sentence 10 times with different tones. I feel like moron when people don't understand me :( And I admire those who learned to speak fluently within a year. :) GOod Job :D

BUT, BUT, BUT. In 10 days my boy G will turn 10. brr. I wan't him to skip 10 and turn 11 instead. Those who have been following our story know that Regina passed away 1 day after her 10th birthday AND past 2 weeks, have been like a big nightmare. I have been dreaming about her a lot, nice dreams, scary dreams, night horrors. I have been waking up sweaty because I had a dream I KILLED HER. I had a dream she drowned in big sea of water. I dreamed that she was back and to stay. It has been 2 weeks of very confusing dreams.
At first I did not understand why, but I am sure, it is something to do with Gabriel turning 10. AND WE LOVE GABRIEL , WE LOVE THAT HE IS TURNING 10. I just want PAST to stop hunting me and i want to enjoy TODAY, not feeling guilty enjoying it. I hope I make some sense.

Also in 10 days will be last day of 4th grade for Gabriel and this year has been full on challenges. It has been academically very hard year for Gabriel. His behavior has been "NOT GOOD" according to teachers, and great according to our friends. I know GABRIEL is little different and he has been doing lot of testing when it comes to her teacher, but to be honest, we are not used to THIS KIND OF TEACHER who can't handle kids, and blames it on kid, that KID makes her look bad in front of the class??? I guess Gabriel has been bulling his new teacher this year. WOW.
He did confess that he has not been easy on teacher because it is just boring in his class. and very slow. OK.
Being a parent is H A R D.

Gabriel is excited to go to his new school in hangzhou. HE LOOKS forward to it. Our new apartment is in walking distance from school and we love it :D I WILL NOT MISS OUT in school activities :D

And last-- We are moving to hangzhou in june 24th. Can't wait to look out of our new apartment window and enjoy beautiful river view ( NOT LOOKING forward to our bitch, witch landlord lady though). hihi

AND AFTER ALL THAT. We will travel to USA :D CALI June 29th to 6th ( we are leaving to DC on early morning on 6th of July). So if you wanna see us let me know @ dianatan78@gmail.com We have NOTHING planned for 4th of July yet, -- I HAD PLANS, but my CALI BFF is going away with her hubby :( . SO IF you have something exciting going on and have a bedroom floor for 3 of us let us know . We really want to celebrate 4th of july with people we know :)

We spend 2 days in DC and then 2 days in New York. Gabriel wants to see the white house and Lady of Liberty :D

Talk to you soon

2011-05-15T04:36:00.000-07:00

've been often asked: " Diana, how are you doing? How are things? How is your life?" and so on. But the hardest question I got couple of days ago. It was so hard to answer, I had to bit inside of my cheek so hard it bleed. I did it because I did not want to start bowling like a baby . But I started crying anyway.

I was asked once - " Do I ever revisit "THAT" day?" What she meant was the day Regina passed away. The question itself is great question. But it is the hardest one to answer without tears..

My answer is. "Of Course I revisit that day. I do it almost every day. For about 6 or 7 months after Reginas passing i refused to think about it. I only had slide show in my mind about what had happened. I remember us there smiling around her, I remember her taking her last breath, I remember me looking at my husband and then pressing my left ear against Reginas heart, and I remember feeling happy for a second because she is no longer hurting. And then I remember deep sadness and darkness and fog. Fog, that I could not cut through . Fog , made everything we did look like it happened in slow motion.

I Remember that everything what happened that day and forward , was not How I wanted it to be.

Past few months that slideshow is no longer slideshow. I have been able to allow myself to go back to that day and remember every feeling, every smell, every word that was said , I am no longer afraid to go back and I am no longer scared to shred a tear or 2. or more. I realized that this pain I am feeling will never go away, and me hiding it will not make it better. I am no longer afraid and embarrassed when I have meltdown in some random store or place because something there reminded me of Regina. And when something reminds me of her, then the second memory that I get is the day she passed away.

So yes, I revisit "That" day to often, but I guess it is mu choice and you can't judge me for it.

Mothers day this year was hard. Her last mothers day meal for me was .. heehe.. Was Onion sandwich which consisted of 2 slices of white bread and sliced yellow onion between them. I just opened my eyes and she was there with her sandwich :D She asked me if I want to eat it right away, but I told her I am going to do it in a minute. I took a bite to show her that mmmm... it is good... But .. I secretly took onions and put them to trash can :D I ate the bread and she asked again, if I liked it. I smiled again and said .. OF COURSE, you make the best sandwiches....

That was our last Mothers day , and second Mothers day in a row I have cried because I miss My happy carefree Baby Girl.

May

2011-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last post. I have been blogging lot more in ESTONIAN, and I am very active in Faceuebook. In a way, I do feel like maybe it is time for me to close this blog and leave, but I can't do it. I wan't to write, I want to let you know how we are and how we feel. Sadly, I don't find that energy in me to blog in 2 languages anymore. I am choosing Estonian over English, and if you speak Estonian you are one lucky person.

Quick update. We still live in Beijing. At least for couple of more months. We just rented apartment in Hangzhou. Rental process was a mess. apartment had NO oven, NO washer dryer, NO DISHWASHER, and no Central heating and RENT FOR IT WAS 12 000 yuan ( google it how much it is in your money). BUT it has gorgeous River views and great layout.

Apartment comes with NASTY landlord. We lowered price from 12000 to 10000. Requested Washer dryer combo and OVEN in. She did it. And then told us WE HAVE TO PAY half of the price IF WE want ti. OK. No big deal. 5000 Yuan . OK... Next surprise--- She told us WE have to pay association fee??? REALLY????? WE argued until she decided FINE, no association fee... THEN she came back and told us that whatever satellite we want it is 2000 Yuan ( association fee). Well in reality it is only about 300 yuan... THAT Fing biotch is business woman. We were about to drop out , but then I told nick. Do you really want to start from beginning? Non of the other apartments had oven or dishwasher or dryer in. And they did not have a view like that.

Anyway, we got it, but I keep my fingers crossed that she stays away OR co operates with us when something goes wrong. Summers in Hangzhou are HOT and winters COLD. ANd she IS one cold hearted bitch who just cares about money....( so do I but I still am better landlord...).

BTW, someone stole our family identities and posed as US on Facebook. I just found out. That 21 year old is charged with 8 counts of some sort of fraud. So guys, if you come across some weird website that has OUR faces but not our names, PLEASE let us know. Right now we know that we were named GIGI, Debra (I think), Nick and Gabe Heart. Regina ( GIGI) was born on January 25th 2001 and died January 26th 2011 ( WOW, she was still alive and what the heck was I mourning about ????). Anyway- i think 8 more families are in same deep shit we are in. HOPING FOR A FAST solution and maximum sentence to Crystal van something.

That is pretty much it.

OH, and I turned 33 on may 8th. I am soo OLD.

2011-03-06T04:04:00.000-08:00

Now that I live in Beijing with my family, I feel like I see Nick less and less. He travels a lot between hangzhou where his main office is . Usually he comes to Beijing for a weekend, and then goes back to Hangzhou for a week.
And NOW, he took off again to go to USA for a week. UGH. Hi Lonely females-lets unite...

Every time Nick travels to USA, he writes a long list of things he has to bring back. Even though we live in Beijing, and everything is available here, quality and price is what matters. And in china we do not get quality and we do not get good price . So this time nick has to come back with-

Almonds from costco
Walnuts from costco
toothpaste from costco
Rembrandt toothpaste
toothbrashes from costco
chewing gum I like and is too expensive here in beijing( triple the price)
plastic wrap( gling wrap)
alcohol from tax free shop
MacBook pro( new generation)
Canon 5D mark 2 ( hope he gets it this time)
different goat cheeses
Cereals
my perfum- Armani diamond Intense ( way to expensive in China)
Skin care products
Salsa

I also wanted to send him to TJ maxx for a shopping trip, but He can't handle this kind of shopping ;) So no new shoes for me :D

We are also slowly getting ready for our next move . YES.. After Gabriels school is out, we are going to take a short trip to USA, and then we are going to pack our bags and move to Hangzhou. I am not excited about it. BUT , I am not really against it ether. I am just getting used to Beijing lifestyle, meeting people, I know where everything is .. ANd now I have to start from BEGINNING AGAIn.

i was told at one of the parties Nick and I attended ( where everybody LOVED hangzhou), that it will be easier there for me to meet people, get to know places, and make hangzhou my home, since it is smaller, and expat community there is also smaller, and people are "tight". So Hopefully they are right, and if they are not, I will find them on Facebook, and let them know that they were W R O N G :D

About Gabriel. He is not doing very well in his new school. We still have no PTA, and sadly, i believe that we are stuck with teacher, who is not really doing her job as passionately as we are used to. Gabriels grades last semester were not the best, and it made us go WHAT ??? you like math and know math and you got C?? WHAT? Not possible... Anyway, just little disappointing.

We also miss our Girl Regina terribly. There is not a day she is not in our minds. But I know one day I will get a second chance to see her and that time we will not be separated.

xoxoxox Regina.R.I P.

798 Art district./art zone

2011-02-24T04:06:00.000-08:00

https://picasaweb.google.com/dianatan78/Feb242011#798 art zone

Today I had an opportunity to visit art district 798, that is about 10 km from us. Quote from space website.--Beginning in 2002, artists and cultural organizations began to divide, rent out, and re-make the factory spaces, gradually developing them into galleries, art centers, artists' studios, design companies, restaurants, and bars.
It became a "Soho-esque" area of international character, replete with "loft living," attracting attention from all around. Bringing together contemporary art, architecture, and culture with a historically interesting location and an urban lifestyle, "798" has evolved into a cultural concept, of interest to experts and normal folk alike, influential on our concepts of both urban culture and living space.

I went there with Jan. Jan lives in same apartment complex where we live and her son is 3rd grader in Canadian International school. Gabriel and Jason LOVE playing together and they have similar sense of humor. Anyway, Jan asked if I am busy today and if not , do I want to have lunch with her. I told her that NO i am not busy and YES lunch sounds great. She asked if I ever been to 798 , and since I heard so many good things about it and never been there yet, i said LETS DO IT.

Those who live in california and have ever been to Laguna Beach art festival have idea how this place looks like. But art zone is so much bigger, and lot more fun. There are 100ds of galleries, bars, restaurants. Art everywhere, some look like un organized mess, some super cool. Some boring art, but most of it is pretty damn cool. Since Jan is Chinese she speaks chinese, I had opportunity to hear from artists who were there about their work . I have my fave artists in china, and I was so happy to see that 2 of them had their galleries up. I mentioned Jan that YASHOW ( market, that sells all the fake stuff, ) I s also ripping off artists work and selling it there. Jan mentioned it to one of the artists , and he said that once he went to Yashow, and pretended that he is interested BUYING his own "art", ( fake stuff), he wanted to know prices and who makes it... haha. He was told art is 80 yuan ( about 11 dollars) and it is original.. HAHAHAHA... Well, his art sells for 800-50 000 Yuan or more so there you go.. ORIGINAL.. He said he can do nothing to control people profiting off his work. It is sad, but there is no way to control this kind of activity in China :(

I did buy couple of affordable smaller art pieces, and found perfect gift for Nick ( his 45th birthday is on 31st of March).. ;) When time is right I will let you know what it is, and why I bought it.

Also another mental note that I took was.. Asians love Sex, nudity, pornographic images, erotica and it is widely displayed in their art work. Some do it very classy way, some stay vulgar. Well, Jan and I both noticed that BUTT's are very popular focus points in many artists works. Only explanation I could come up with -- don't laugh, and my Asian friends who are reading this blog -- DON't BE MAD ;).. Since Chinese woman in general have flat butts ( yes), and asian guys love BUTTs , then they display the love for butts in their artwork. And oh boy, those butt s in their art were perfect. One of my fave artists Loui , whose works were up-- http://blog.sina.com.cn/yinxianggearts actually made his art about small feet, that have part in Chinese history , but those tiny feet were tied together with huge round butts. His art is amazing. AMAZING, and guy itself was full of life explaining why he does it, and he even showed us how tiny some of those tiny shoes that were made for those tiny binded ( spelling feet) . If you are interested in food binding check out this wiki about foot binding.--http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foot_binding

My feet started hurting after I saw those shoes up close and personal. Sadly I was not allowed to take any photos of his work:( But I encourage you to check out all links I post in this blog today.

Another artis who has been in my mind a lot lately is Fang Min http://shangzun.kuaile800.com/

I also purchased one of his smaller pieces ( baby faces with ladybug). His art is tibet monks inspired. BUGS and monks :D His gallery made me smile :D

798 zone is also great home for many great photographers. And I really wish I had more time to enjoy their work. But i fell in love with YangZi work. It was simple, but so beautiful.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sunartspace

Anyway. I felt good today. Art zone is in Beijing, but it does not feel like beijing at all. I love its vibe, people, food, mood... And today because of 798 I am in good mood :D

Happy New Year..again...

2011-02-15T06:28:00.000-08:00

Today is February 15th and it should end all the fireworks that have been all around Park avenue. Chinese usually celebrate New year/ spring festival for 2 weeks, and I can clearly see it. Myself- I am done. To much banging, to many firecrackers waking me up middle of the night and too much food to make me fat.

Funny to think that I AM aunt to 3 100% Chinese kids from ages 4-21. Funny to think that I am aunt to 2 100% Estonian kids from ages 2-11. Weird to think that Gabriel has cousins in China and in Estonia. It would be SO cool to have international family reunion .

This year I had a wonderful opportunity to celebrate Chinese New year/ Spring festival with my husbands family who lives in Wanzhou( Chongqing district). About 3 hour plain flight from Beijing, and then 4 hour car drive from Chongqing to Wanzhou. Let me just tell you this at first. I have been to wanzhou before, BUT I was there before Beijing become my home. NOW I appreciate Beijing so much more. Beijing is clean compared to Wanzhou, it is not as overcrowded as Wanzhou and chongqing, and people in Beijing now actually have better manners to compared to Wanzhou. And Cars don't honk in Beijing as much as in Wanzhou, and people don't spit as much they do in Wanzhou. And also food is better and restaurants are cleaner here in Beijing. So I am very happy, that I am in BEIJING.

So , we spent 6 days with Nicks sister. Her sister lives on 11th floor. No elevator. So lot of stairs to walk. Nicks brothers live very close by and Nicks dad lives about 2 kilometers from Nicks sister, so their family pretty much lives next door to each other. Nick is the BLACK sheep of the family.. Thanks do diana ;).. But Nick also mentioned, that he could NEVER see him self in Wanzhou. And I can see why. That city is not HIM.

Also, people in Wanzhou do not use heaters. Weather is cold about -4 C right now. People do weird things there. They wear many layers of clothes to keep them warm. They open their windows to let fresh air in ( air is more polluted than in Beijing). They sleep with layers of clothes on, and even eat clothes on. Inside the houses you have to wear slippers. There are slippers for bathroom, to kitchen, to showers, to regular rooms. Just slippers, slippers, slippers. My feet got blisters on just switching slippers from room to room. lol

Food. Lot of eating. I gained about 8 pounds. Big breakfast, big lunches and big dinners. I tried to stay away from some of the meals, BUT family insisted, so I just sat there and ate, and smiled and ate some more. and more. And drank lot of beer, and wine, and hot water, and tea, and more wine, and more beer.
This time around I stayed away from weird foods. Well... Almost... One night, after hard night of parting with friends we hit the street food place, and I accidentally ate something that was most likely ( sure it was) Pigs brain. I spit it out as fast as I could. Texture was just nasty, and taste was yuck. Yuck, Yuck.
But Nicks family respected my wishes, and this time around I was not served any turtles, or snakes or frogs. Can't stomach them...
Nick and I tried to sneak away to coffee houses and such, since we got cravings for our normal stuff. And coffee houses are very inconsistent with their coffee. Just like Chinese restaurants. Even though you order same food twice, it never tastes the same, because chef is new, or ingredients are little different, or more oil is used or more salt.. etc. Same with coffee. Day before we ordered Columbian, and decided to repeat our order. THis time around it was as strong as espresso. BLACK dark, tooo strong. Not bad, but not what we had ordered. When we requested info about what the heck is going on, we were informed that today they had different barista... duh.. Of course...
Well, nicks hometown was lot of fun, and Nicks family is great :D I really did enjoy spending time with them and listening them talk Chinese with Sichuan accent- btw- very different from Mandarin. I had hard time understanding even the easiest sentences. :(

Second part of our spring break we spent here in Beijing with Nicks family. 5 of nicks family members came over to our Beijing apartment. I finally got the taste of what it is to cook to a big family . I loved it. Nicks family ( sister, her husband , their daugther, and Nicks brothers wife and their 4 year old daughter LELE), ate everything I cooked. They wanted to eat western DIANAS cuisine and they got it. I cooked dishes I usually cook for nick. Slow roasted ribs, Curry Chicken, different potato dishes, different pastas. THEY ALL LOVED IT. I was most impressed by Lele who is 4 years old. SHE ATE MY FOOD. MY FOOD. Are you serious? 4 year old eating my cooking.....lol.... I must be getting better. ;) To be honest, I was little scared when they came to visit us, because I thought they will NOT like western cooking, but they did and I am relieved and happy .

They also had busy schedule here in Beijing. I did not do anything together with them , since the moment I got home, my back completely failed me . I was in deep deal of pain and only managed to clean and cook.. But They had fun. They got to see what they wanted to see ( it is easier for them to navigate in Beijing, since they speak Chinese..duh)..lol. When they left, I felt sad :(
I really enjoyed having them around, and we all feel in love with LELE. Especially Gabriel. Lele is 4 years old and she reminds me so much of Regina. She is after all Nicks brothers daughter ( the one who looks like Nick).

Lele giggled like regina, she is SLOW like regina, she ate as slow as Regina, she dresses as cute as Regina did and she and Gabriel got along just like Regina and Gabriel did- TElling each other stupid and silly things. And to see Gabriel take good care of her was just heartwarming. I have never seen Gabriel care for ANYONE else like she did care for Lele.

So yeah, we all had great time :D:D:D:D

Chinese Life.

2011-01-27T04:21:00.000-08:00

Vango
China has been most interesting experience in my life. I would like to say that i LOVE CHINA, I love Chinese culture and I love learning chinese language, but that is far from truth.
Here are lot of fun and interesting things that make me go SAY WHAT? What just happened? HUH? Like for instance. It is NORMAL , that during rush hour car will stop in middle of intersection, because driver is simply confused and has no idea where to go. He /she stops for few minutes, IF he passed his exit, he decides that it is OK to reverse his gear and WEEEE all the way back to his exit.. YES< that is normal, and we all have to be ready for it ;)

Also, it is very normal to enter some building, and while opening door, someone pushes you away and enters before you. It is also NORMAL, to stand in line, and you feel other people pushing against you , like there is no space at all. IT is ALSO very normal in airplanes. Before airplane stops people stand up, take their carry on luggage out of storage and start pushing from back to front. WHAT A LIFE:D

Now now to recent events. Chinese New Year is about to arrive. People are already going crazy buying gifts, tickets to their hometowns-- if you travel with train, don't leave it to last minute, simply because you may not get your ticket. Our Ayi's husband stood in line for 48 hours for train ticket, and he got it but sadly his seats were in a wagon that has no toilet, water or heater... :( 48 hours? I guess home calls. In comparison our experience is different. we have money and can afford to fly, so it took my husband 5 minutes on phone and voilaaaa 3 tickets to Chungqing were booked. So yes, you heard it right. I am going to have REAL chinese spring festival/ new Years celebration with my hubbys family.
Chinese New year OR spring festival is the most important holiday in china. If you want to read more about it go to Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_New_Year

We are going to spend 6 days with Nick family- Sister, brothers, father and then Nicks sister Jinsong is coming to Beijing along with them comes Nicks brothers wife and her 3 year old daughter. In a way I am excited , because it is new experience for me, but people who know me, KNOW that I can not handle family in large doses. And Nicks family is one of those Large families who gets together all the time and all they do is EAt, EAT, EAT and play Mahjong ( I dislike mahjong very much). I'd rather go to a movie, or sit in a coffee house ( I start sounding like my husband). lol.

But yes, Be ready for BIGGER ME, 5 days of large chinese breakfasts, lunches and dinners and Beer will leave a huge mark on my ass.. ;)

Like I mentioned celebrations have already started. My husbands company had party in Hangzhou and I wanted to fly over there to see my co workers in action ;) Well. Traditional chinese party consists of huge elaborate dinner , people usually don't dress up or make up, who cares. I agree. Dinner lasts about 3 hours -this time cold appetizers were some cold cuts, duck tongue , some weird fungus, bamboo shoots, pickles, etc.. Hot dishes included deep fried frogs, beef with french fries, deep fried duck ( my favorite) , slow cooked pork leg with chinese spices, , some chicken dish,and some weird fungus seafood soup. Food tasted great. Now fun part. Chinese dinners usually involve lot of drinking. IF YOU think Estonians and americans drink a lot, then think again. Within an hour people toasted constantly, got drunk, threw up in restrooms, get back inside, drank again and ate more. Toasting is part of Chinese dinner, and all workers toasted with 3 big bosses. Nick his partner and our sales guy, who could not get my name out of his mind.... Chinese have thing for me... I am telling you ;)
After dinner we left dining area and entertainment part started. Almost all workers had prepared some sort of entertainment piece- Some sang karaoke, some told jokes, some read their favorite book, some made up some songs. Nick played his iPhone ( flute) amazing grace and told some sort of joke. Since he is one of the big bosses people laughed ;) lol. Also people won some raffle prizes 4 ipod shuffles, 2 Ipod touch and one Ipad. I was unlucky this time ;) I have great luck in love, so I did not complain much :D It all ended around 11 PM and all left happily. BTW> the entertainment part did not include any alcohol. I was bored. I thought I am going out to get myself chinese Rice wine or beer. All they served were sunflower seeds ( very normal in chinese events), tiny clementines, lychee, and other fruit. WTF?? Seriously. I needed some liquor. It all was in chinese, and I had to stay somewhat sober to understand what was going on . Well, most likely next year I will entertain my fellow co workers, but this years I refused to do anything at all. ;)

Pictures here.
http://caliwitch.smugmug.com/Events/Vango-Holiday-Party/15566432_ZbK5D#1166142208_2vv7c

Happy New Year..

2011-01-24T03:10:00.000-08:00

Happy new year to you all. Luckily I am NOT late , since Chinese new year has not started yet;)

Again, lot of time has passed since last posting, and lot has happened. Quick recap.

Gabriel and I spent our Holidays in Estonia. This year it was extremely difficult for me. I am not even sure why, but I was the WORST guest this year. Nothing made me happy. And If I was happy for a second or 2 , extreme sadness came over me and robbed every piece of lightness and joy I felt. I avoided talking about Regina, because I knew It would break me even more and put me into that deep dark hole. Second Christmas without my girl and I miss her even more than before. Scary. She is physically gone from our lives but she is in MY mind, in Nicks mind and in Gabriels mind 24/7. I saw her smiling face everywhere- making snow angels, trying out foods and making grinning face, trying to communicate with her Estonian BFF Krissu, Smiling, giggling... UGH..

I have not been able to separate Regina from our current events. Nothing feels same, and I know it will never will, So HOW am I going to learn to live without her? Will I ever ? Where do I find the strength to do so?

Also, another Reason I am not speaking MY MIND about Regina and our issues with people who have not lost a 10 year old or 11 or 2 or 24 year old daugter/Son, BECAUSE, I can't handle responses they are STILL giving me.. Oh, time willmake everything better, Don't worry, we understand, Really, you still mourn, you still think about her ? etc. Some comments are acceptable, but I rather NOT feel that rush of anger towards people who never experienced this kind of loss in their lives. I can talk about my Sweet princess HOURS, And HOURS, and HOURS, but seriously- who wants to hear same stories over and over and over again?

Srry.. Got little carried away with my own little problems, that by now should not be problems at all.. BUT I am making little success .. I am already thinking about her more often and I am NOT afraid to think about happy times we had, questions she asked. What I am afraid is-- EVERY time I think about those wonderful laughter filled times, It all ends with her last hours with us.. And I remember her elevated breathing, and heart rate, and dark empty eyes, her deep dark pupils, .. And it scares me , I can't forget those last hours, It feels like it was yesterday..

Estonia was Great. I decided this year NOT to visit Everyone. I mentioned couple of times where I am at, and if someone want's to see me , please come and see me. I wan't to relax during my trips, and plan my own time, and I feel like Estonia trips are like one big responsibility- I have to see this and that and third person because they are relatives and will be upset.. Well, too bad. I will be upset, if I can't see that and that and that person, because I wan't to be happy to;) So I wen't to places I wanted, did what I needed to do. ;) Gabriel had fun. I do go to Estonia mostly because of Gabriel, his grandparents, my sister, my brother. At least he gets to see them :D

...To be continued...

Was I the only one who did not watch GLEE??

2010-12-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

I am sorry all you Glee fans. I swear. I did not watch it. I did not like first 7 episodes and I did not get it. But now, NOW I LOVE IT. Glee is one of those shows in my opinion that needs time to get used to it. Myself , I am more CSI, Law and ORder: SVU , Bones and Castle kind of girl and when Glee came along and everyone was excited, I was like. HUH? you like what? YOu are who? Gleek? What is that?

Anyway. Thanks to HULU I can watch Glee now. Most recent episode was about "Christmas" . Well, it was formed after Grinch stole the Christmas. But what I was drawn to was that Cheerleader and her boyfriend who are in wheelchair.
She wanted Christmas miracle so badly , she believed in santa and all, and in the end she got it. :D GOod for her. Her boyfriend got to walk .. Even for a minute:D

But. If I believed in santa, and had one wish, I am sure, you all know what I would wish for. ... EVEN writing this makes me tear up. I was very angry with the show writers. How could they write such a story, how could they make some 17 year old still believe in santa, and in the end she gets her wish???

WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHERE IS MY WISH? Where is Regina? Smiling, running, happy , healthy? Where is my wish about NO MORE PEDIATRIC CANCER, no more brain tumors, no more kids dying because of cancer? WTF? I wan't my wish NOW!!!

Oh , you have no idea how much work I still have to do before I find my "safe place". I am still lost in so many levels". At times I am still numb, I still hear other people blabbering about some weird pimple on their 2 year old, and I just smile and go. .OK, It will get better...
I have one wish for myself.- I want to get better. I want to find safe place for myself. I wan't to be me and not worry about people feeling pity for me when I cry out of blue.
I wan't to get better.

Miss my Girl Regina to Pieces...

Smiles :D

2010-12-07T03:53:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I am not a very big fan of Chinese traditional medicine for many reasons. First of all- most ( but not all) chinese "medicine Doctors" in China don't know what they are doing. They COPY really good chinese medicine doctors and then sell FAKE PROMISES, to stupid Westerners who believe everything they say. Lot of chinese medicine drugs are not mixed in right proportions and are completely different what the "box says". Lot of chinese medicine doctors tell you-- YOUR STOMACH to cold, that is why You so sick. Keep your stomach warm...

Today I went to see my dermatologist here In beijing. She works in United Family Hospital that is catered towards westerners, but lot of Asian locals who have money use it also. Anyway, I had acne facial today and the smell of Chinese medicine herbs is still lingering somewhere deep in my skin..
. Procedure was fun. Nurse, who is about my age came in, told me. Lie down, keep your shoes on, keep your clothes on. I am sorry, bed to hard, and water to cold and so sorry I speak bad english.

So I did lye down. She turned on the steamer, steamed my face for 5 minutes, and then applied the most wonderful smelling Chinese herbal acne mask. Those of you, who have smelled ginseng mix of something something know what I am talking about...
She told me- I don't know why I like to smell it every day, but I smell this mask every day, because it smells so good. Just like good nature.

I am not sure was it herbal mix or SOMETHING SOMETHING, or was it her, but I wanted to burst out laughing, but i just nodded and said- Indeed, it does smell wonderful. THen she went on- People think that we chinese know everything about Chinese medicine, but we don't . We just use it, because we are chinese and it is good for us.... And it is cheeper than western medicine.. ANd sometimes it works, but sometimes it does not.
FAke stuffI Asked her if she has good Chinese medicine doctor to use? She said, she usually goes to her hometown to get all the medicines, because she does not trust lot of Beijing doctors.... ( Go figure- Because of us Stupid money paying expats, Beijing is messed up)..

Anyway, we had 15 minute conversation about "stuff"... She applied this wonderful Diarrhea colored mask to my face. Then she applied plaster- that hardened and was supposed to push all the CHINESE medicine herbs to my skin, and make it really pretty.. I liked it, I like stuff, that makes my skin tingle....

After 1 hour we were done, and I left United clinic smelling like , I just sat hour in some chinese medicine pot..
The whole procedure costed me 360 kuai. AND it was worth it. New pleasant experience ( finally).

Next week I am doing light chemical peel. Pricy, but I need it. My acne is getting worse and worse, and I can't control it by myself anymore.

I think I am very brave to do so. My trip to Estonia is on 17th of Dec. I am going to experience some serious skin peeling there...

2010-12-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

People in Cali should stop complaining how cold it is out there. You want cold? Come here to Beijing. Icy winds and -4C weather is not fun weather. I am finally experiencing what I thought I would like- 4 seasons, but no way Jose, I want to live rest of my life in climate where you have to worry about your nose freezing off.
To make things worse, I decided to visit my family in Estonia this year. YES, it is even colder there, with snow and ice and other yucky stuff that falls out of sky. I am sure it will be beautiful , and magical , and enchanting. But come on, I am now 100% sure I will not want to grow old in Estonia. I wish all my friends moved to southern Cali and we all lived happily ever after !!!

Also, past 2 days have been clear days, but before that polluted air was not what I really asked for when I moved to china. I knew it will be pretty interesting here, but right now my interesting days are over, and I started countdown when I can move back to California.

2010-11-29T02:18:00.000-08:00

How did I miss Thanksgiving? Not really, but we did not celebrate thanksgiving this year on its official day. We had party week before with Nicks high school classmates who live in Beijing. THEY LOVED my cooking. They no longer think that WESTERN cooking is bad and has no taste. YEAH ME!!

Now Christmas is fast approaching and I am no mood to celebrate it here. So that is WHY I , Diana Saare Tan , forced my husband to buy me 2 tickets to Estonia. 2 because he has no desire to spend it in cold climate, since Beijing is cold anyway.. SO we got our tickets :D Gabriel and I are going to spend Xmas in Estonia.( Dets 17 - January2nd). We are also going to be part something big

Years ago when I was young and innocent..lol, I remember when estonia got it's own currency--- EESTI KROON--. It was huge event. I remember holding Eesti Kroon'i and admiring how beautiful it is... Sadly, this is last year Estonia has its own currency. Estonian currency will now be EURO. SO, I am going to Estonia with Estonian Kroons, but get back to Beijing with leftover Euros.

Nick will travel to US 4th of December and get back to Beijing 14th of December. Shopping trip to gather all safe and somewhat safe products, because NOTHING IN CHINA IS acceptable . I have seen how HONEY is made ( not honey at all), how pastry products are made and handled,... Even Tea... everything is FAKE. Fake , fake.

In stores you can by fake stuff IF you know who to ask. 90 % brand name alcohol in stores is not BRAND name, but bottled in brand name bottles. 90% THAT's HUGE. Meat is full of antibiotics and hormones, and plates, cups , forks , knives ETC are sprinkled with extra heavy chemicals... How do CHinese survive you ask? I DON't KNOW!!! I just know that 30 year olds who work hard look like 40 and older.

Now I don't cry because I miss Regina.. Now I cry because I miss REGINA and USA, and life as I like it.

Lot has happened

2010-10-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

To be honest I have been avoiding this blog. I opened it every day with intention to write you something cool or share my feelings about Reginas One year passing anniversary, but I did not want to do it. I know Regina want's us to be happy and not cry. Because every time we cried she was sad, and I don't want her to "be" sad. I think being away from cali on her Birthday and Passing anniversary was easier on ME personally, because I did not have to deal with US media-- tv, radio, disney land, legoland, her favorite artists. I did not have to go to LNES and see her little friends who all attend 5th grade now.. We were in Japan, doing nothing... To be honest, we did things she would not like doing like WALKING a lot, and eating some weird foods. BUT she would have enjoyed staying to hotels. SHE LOVED HOTELS.... Nuff that... We miss her, and wish she was here.....<3

Well, Beijing and China is pretty messed up if you ask me. I AM HAVING FUN discovering CHINESE china, not tourists china. It always makes me laugh inside when I hear from people, we went to this country, and ate at that western restaurant, and shopped at THAT store, and ten saw this temple. etc... but that is about it. I laugh because, really- you come to china as a tourist, you do things you do in US- why in the world would you come here at all??? To see how well trained chinese are in places that are meant for Westerners? Forget your high heels, make up, and GET OUT!!!! OUT to see what china or WORLD is all about. FInd markets where locals shop, how they behave at places, how they bargain, how they dress. It is so much more of an experience than going to starbucks ordering--- upside down something with whipped cream and then texting at cell phone for few minutes...( Kinda sorta like Nick is ;) )

Again, I have to be honest. It is not my Country, or my Place.. But I am trying to make it. i am trying to make our apartment our home which is hard, because we don't know if we are going to be here or move to "boring suburbs". Nick does not understand WHY i like chinese food, or WHY I like weirdness. We had couple of arguments over HOW things should be done, and our arguments ended -- him stating " This is CHina, don't expect anything to be done right.". My question is, IF I don't demand, how things can be done right? Who will hear my voice ? Again- "us customers have no voice". When something breaks, don't try to take it back to store- YOu will be blamed, not poor quality. When something tastes wrong-- You have a bad taste in your mouth-- it is not the food. When you break a glass- you pay for it , and if you are in a car accident, it is your fault...haha..

So good luck to me.

Our schedule ..

2010-09-16T01:04:00.000-07:00

Actually My schedule in Beijing is very busy. I am one of those people that just loves to take "wrong" street and then just discover what that street has to offer to me :) So far I know LOT what happens around my area- well only about 8 KM radius in every direction. . I have discovered couple of Methadone rehab centers about 2 km from us( side streets), couple of interesting farmers markets, bazaar places, supermarkets, cool looking buildings, clubs, restaurants in every corner, parks, fun bridges etc. It is not that hard to walk around here. It is hard to cross the streets, or bargain in marketplaces. I usually write everything down on paper, and if they don't like my price, I usually walk away. Few times they yell something in Chinese , which means that they probably agree with my price.. Good for them. :D

We haven't shopped for furniture yet. I need few traditional pieces mixed in with our contemporary rental furniture. Antique stores are everywhere. Nick just does not like going to those places that much. He can't handle the smell, and crowded places. Me on the other hand, AM WILLING to shred a tear or 2 to get what I need lol..:D

Life in general is interesting here. We have cleaning lady coming in twice a week ( 2 dollars an hour for cleaning), we havent hired Ayi jet, since we have lot of trust issues, and we hate firing them later if we don't like them. SO we are just using our building cleaning staff. I let them know when I want them up here, and they will and clean for an our - 2 cleaning ladies total 30 yuan. Not bad. If we are going to hire Ayi- "AUnty"- who comes to our house around 8 an and leaves 5 pm , then we end up paying around 3000 yuan== 455 dollars per month. She would cook( if we want), clean, organize, iron, hang out with gabriel... She would do pretty much everything, so I can spend more time in Facebook........ Maybe not... But we are thinking about getting one later.
Also-- I REFUSE to drive here. NO WAY Jose,. Again-- I need a driver, since Nick is exhausted driving to work every day-- 14 km takes him about one hour and then at night another our in traffic. So when he gets home he is grump 44 year old man, who will bitch about how much life in china sucks-- BTW, our nightly ritual...
So , most likely I will get a driver later-- HE pretty much has to hang out in front of our building all time ( if we hire him full time) or part time driver will come when I call him and say-- tomorrow I need to go to visit my friend. I need you for 4 hours etc... :D

ANyway- I do lot of walking here, lot of eating, lot of beer drinking -- Local beer is GREAT :D. I also do lot of head shaking -- YES or NO, started taking Mandarin lessons-- SOOO FUCKING HARD... after first- one hour lesson my brains went kabooom and I almost gave up. So today I decided I AM NOT GIVING UP-- So I did one more hour without tutor.. Luckily my tutor speaks very good english, and her teaching method is pretty good.

I think I stop for now-- We have very busy schedule ahead of us- On friday the 17th we are going to Tokyo for 3 days. On first of Oktober we are going to spend couple of days with my husbands family, and from there we are going to Hong Kong. I wanted to travel- So Now I am finally getting what I wanted, and I am not complaining at all:D Life is beautiful..

BTW-- Reginas "11th" birthday is coming up on september 19th, and her one year passing anniversary RIP My beautiful Princess Regina:) YOu are constantly in our minds :D

Forever in our heart, forever in our mind.
xoxoxo

Beijing as it is...

2010-09-12T03:46:00.000-07:00

Through my eyes...

Beijing in interesting place , and people here live their life their way. They drive the way they want, and if they want to cross street slowly , they will do it, and no HOnking will get them off the road.. Sometimes when we were driving around people started crossing wrong time-- WHem they see cars approaching, they usually stop in the middle of the road, so car driver can decide witch way to go. IF they start running, then car drivers get confused, and most likely pedestrian gets hit. You have no idea how many times we have been face to face with pedestrians who are crossing street on some add places. BUT within a week I am expert street crosser.. crossing 16 lane street is no problem for me .. ha!!! But there are times I just roll my eyes and go- What the FUCK am I doing here, I thought this life was out of my comfort zone. I actually enjoy this anonymous life. Nobody knows me, I don't have to wave at mornings or smile at every person I see . I don't have to have small talks with cashiers in grocery store. i don't have to take out my trash every wednesday night or drive 50 miles to have real fun...

But I do miss my cali friends Xochitl, Maire, kristel, Christel , Kadi, Elvira and so on.. <3<3<3 I miss going grocery store and get stuff I need and not worry about how much MSG there really is. I miss my favorite restaurants and bars , where I know drinks are good, and food is delicious.

But I would not TRADE this experience I am having. My life finally has some sort of spice and fire in it, and I am going to explore what Asia has to offer...

See you all. Let me know if you want to visit us :D OR let me know if YOu know any ESTONIANS in beijing area ;) i would not mind speaking some estonian once in a while :D

Beijing

2010-09-07T23:09:00.000-07:00

Beijing is pretty amazing place. Our Park Avenue apartment is next to Chaoyag park-which is about 288.7 hectares large. So we really do get little bit of everything- crazy city life and perfect green park with its amenities all in one. Our apartment is on 27th floor, with amazing views to everywhere. It is very loud. SUUUPER loud when windows are open, but even more amazing is this that when windows are closed we hear almost no honking or screaming or yelling. And trust me -- CHINESE LOVE honking. Honk, honk, honk.. pedestrians are not loved here. There is green light to cross the street -- and I almost got ran over by cars, and someone even yelled at me something in chinese-- I just raised my middle finger and was in no hurry to "run away"... But yes, crossing a street can be a challenge.. One step forward , 2 steps back, slower, faster, etc..

I am not complaining. I just find it amazing, that the moment you sit in your car, it becomes target for honkers.. To slow- they honk, too fast-- they honk-- stop sign red light--- THEY HOOOONK.. I have to get myself pair of earplugs....

OH, another fun thing happened-- today I was walking ( about 8 mile walk to discover what is around me ).. PEOPLE on cell phones are FUNNY!! SO I was walking, and suddenly i hear YELLING behind me, I turn around and there was one older lady, sitting on his bike and talking to someone and YELLING . She was loud, loud , loud.. I wanted to tell her that I think whole beijing heard what she was talking about, because I was not the only one who turned its head and stared...

To be honest-- I really like it here. I do. The most I enjoy is that the moment I get out, There are 100 directions to go to and discover hundreds of fun or weird or whatever things to do.

I am sitting on my balcony right now and I have this amazing view to stare at... I wonder what hides behind those buildings mile or 2 away... I am sure I will find a way to get there and discover as much as I can ..

Right now I just take it easy MY way, which means walking about 10 -14 km per day and taking photos of things I find interesting :D

My Address in Beijing.

2010-09-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

Diana , Nick and Gabriel tan

6 South ChaoYang Park Road

Apartment 27H, Tower 1, Park Avenue

ChaoYang District, Beijing, 100026

CHINA

See You all In Beijing...

2010-08-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yes.. Couple of more days, and I will be out of here. House has not sold, or leased, and I actually think that Realtors are getting kind of lazy marketing our house... Anyway... I am leaving and feel super sad.:(

I am keeping our HOME phone number via Vonage-- so if you call us 1 949 916 5098 - then you don't have to pay any extra charges-- Just like you called us before.:D ANd we can chit chat -- IF INTERNET is up and running ;)

I still can't believe that it will be 1 year on September 20th without my Beautiful Princess Regina. Wherever she is I hope she is happy... Well, I know she is...<3

I can't believe I am still up and running, I can't believe that I am managing to wake up every morning, make my coffee, work out and enjoy my daily activities. ... Every day I have moments of weakness, and during those very vulnerable moments I find myself wondering- Why I am having these meltdowns when no one is around to see it, Why I almost never have them when people talk about Regina, or want me to share stories of her? Why is it that when I AM COMPLETELY alone, and in need of major pity party there is no one around? I don't try to be strong, I don't try to impress people with my -- OH , LOOK AT ME, I am doing good...... I REALLY AM, most of the time -- but again, when I do need shoulder to cry on-- I usually just hug my pillow and pat myself on my shoulder, telling me-- TOmorrow will be better day... and then tomorrow arrives... and same old, same old...

Life without My favorite girl is Challenging... Miss her to pieces..

di.

2010-08-20T20:55:00.000-07:00

I really want to complain about how unfair it is to sellers to "fix Up" house 200% before selling it. Before people are putting their houses up for sale, they are doing MAJOR 200 000 dollar Remodelling jobs in our Area. I find it ridiculous. I just don't get it. I have to guess what people like and then do it their way-- WHAT if I have about 40 showing. Everybody likes different things-- One think is great , they all like our floorplan and view... BUT then it starts--- Color is wrong, granite is wrong, floorings are wrong, uuhh, we don't have enough bathrooms( 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms-- REALLY?), Window coverings are wrong, Kitchen cabinets are wrong color, Neighbors have dogs, Not close enough to LA, or San diego, or Laguna beach, NO ocean views with this price, To much stainless steel, oh, not enough upgrades for this price...

I don't get it? YOU are buying a house .. YOU get it , YOU change it. DOn't complain about MY taste level. After all it was my home first, and now come in with an open mind and see it as "YOUR HOME" with your things in it??
I blame it to US REaltors and their stupid demands. THey created THIS situation. I am sorry if I am wrong, but yes.. they did. I understand keeping my house clean and clutter free. No biggy. BUT please don't "hint" me that I should do this and this and that, so YOUR JOB GETS EASIER...
Anyway. I really needed little let it out today.

:D

2010-08-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

YES:D Book that I co-wrote with Helen Eelrand is available in Estonia now. IT is about Regina and her life with Cancer, and how life is with cancer patient. SADLY --- It is NOT in english, and lot of people have asked me about it. I am not really sure how it works IF I translate it into English- where to turn, who to talk .. etc.

Also, all Proceeds are going to CHildrens Hospital of Tallinn , In Estonia. Their foundation will use this money to buy chemotherapy drugs to children. I am finally doing something right. So thankful for Fookus Meedia in Estonia for contacting me and shooting me this great idea :D

In Estonian book is Called- REGINA, Mu Imekaunis Voitlejanna. If I have to translate it into English then it is called- Regina , My Beautiufl Fighter

<3

We Miss you Regina:D

2010-08-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is August 19th... On September of 19th Regina would have turned 11..... So many of you don't get it.. you think it is all in my head. I am paranoid, I am just making things up..... I am "emotional"without any relevant reason....
It was just 11 months ago , when Regina passed away.. I can't believe how fast people forget ..

I Was there in AUGUST for here, we all were... I remember her glassy eyes, and her irregular breathing and heart rate... I remember her not responding to me when I told her I love her and how much I miss her.. I remember singing her and holding her hand and not getting any response from her. I remember her smell and warmth .... I remember how devastated I was not being able to help her... I remember it all...

and now it is all coming back to me... memory by memory.... and it hurts .

I miss My Baby Regina so much .. I want to talk about all the time.... And I do..I talk to myself...when nobody is around..

RIP Regina Melody.....

Dreams :D

2010-08-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I am so weird. Life is weird. I thought I am going to go crazy alone, but I love my alone time. REason why I love it so much is--- Guys are gone, house is still here and mine, I don't have 8-5 job. House is never messy, Refrigirator only has vegetables and liquor in it.. IF I feel like it I just take off and do my thing. If I want I go to beach and I don't have to get people ready for 2 hours. I take my towel and I AM DONE!!!! With Nick and gabe-- Take this, and that, and toys, and different sunscreens, and snacks and then hear hours and hours worth of complaining.. etc... OIH...

SO anyway- I so deserve MY TIME!!!! I am very happy with MY time, my life right now. It is all about what I WANT TO DO FOR A CHANGE :D:D

Other than that I am pretty ok. I miss my Princes like crazy.. By now We would have already shopped for her Bday dress, and bought all dishes and plates, and put together Menu for her party. I miss her beautiful smile and cute giggles. I miss her temper tantrums and " I DON'T like you mommy. I miss her smell... I really do. Her warm touch, her heartbeat, her fuzzy hair, her brown and wise eyes, her jiggly belly, . I miss her so much It is hard to describe the pain I am feeling when I see her favorite things...

I miss her having fun with Her BFF H.

Most of the time I am doing pretty good, but there are times when people mention something that meant lot to me, but NOTHING to them , and they talk about people who I CARE a lot about, and respect a lot, but they say negative things about... Anyway. This life is fucking messed up. ANd I am part of it. I have my role in it. THis circle of Life is not circle at all. It is maze with different routes, and when we take wrong one or are assigned wrong route, we have to deal with it... BUT I DON't WANT TO :( I wan't to smell the flowers and enjoy it...

Much love to you all.

2010-07-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

I want to thank you for all bringing me great toys so we can give them to Childrens hospitals. PLEASE keep them coming. I am going to drop them off on 19th of august. ...

BTW.. Nick and gabriel are gone. :( House is so empty without them, BUT.. I enjoy my quiet time. Seems like house is always clean. How sad. All I really care about is clean house, and looks like that actually gives me some peace. I LOVE quiet times.
But I do miss my GUYS!!!! I talk to them every day :D
Same time, I am such a funny , funny person. hehe.. I invite myself over to my friends houses.. I saw one of our good friend at grocery store, and I just yelled HI >>>> .. and he invited myself over to have dinner with their family.. LOOOVE IT!!! I don't like eating alone. I HAVE never been alone. Gabriel has always been here. OR Nick. Or Regina... But anyway.. Thanks Friends :D:D:D

Before Nick and Gabriel left. We released 5 balloons ( because I broke the sixth one ) with messages that we are moving to china. :) We let Regina know that we love her and miss her and Laguna Niguel is empty without her :)

<3<3<3

YOU ARE INVITED...

2010-07-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

. Gabriel and Nick are leaving to China on 26th.....
Couple of our friends have asked if I am going to do a little party for them and I told them I am not really sure... Maybe...BUT PAY ATTENTION.

SInce Reginas passing on September 20th I wanted to do something on her Honor and it had to include WEBKINZ..

So on 24th of July( saturday) we are hosting a party To send Gabriel and Nick to China A N D to honor Regina.. IF you want to attend this party on Saturday , PLEASE bring NEW unused unwrapped toy- WEBKINz with TAGs attached, legoes, Barbies, Kens, bakin sets for kids, Kids cookbooks, Club Penguin membership cards, inexpensive DS games.. etc.. BUT try to find a WEBKINZ toy, Latest DVDs, fun bandaids, cool markers, -- I know Regina would LOVE to have this kind of party...

ALL TOYS, GAMES WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO BRING WILL BE DONATED TO CHLA, CHOC and DR Loudons "magic room"... TRUST ME-- I WILL NOT KEEP ANY TOYS TO MYSELF , maybe if it is a right kind of "toy"...;).. But anyway...

We hope to see you on SATURDAy, JULY 24th in our house -- Party starts 2 PM and ends whenever you wish I would like to shut up... which means pretty late...

Our Address...--- 27715 Manor Hill rd... laguna niguel..
My cell number in 949 290 6958.

Let me know if you are around and would like do drop by. If you can't attend BUT would like to send or bring a toy any other time- Just mail it to us, or drop it at our doorstep ANY TIME starting from TOMORROW- 7/18 ending 8/19.

Update.

2010-07-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

We still have our house. It is still available :) House of steel :D

Sadly, Nick is going to take Gabriel to China on July 26th :(. In a way it is kind of cool- I will be resting for a month. If we don't sell our house by End of August, we will lease it out. I don't like the idea of leasing out, but seems like people are more interested leasing than buying.

I told him that all I want when he is gone-- TV and MY bed-- and 2 wineglasses, because that is all I am going to do for a month.. Drink wine. Sometimes alone, sometimes I will fill my friends wine glass with vodka and let her have it.
I am not really stressing over moving, but it gets little annoying bossing my family around--- "SHHH, I JUST CLEANED SHOWERS, and you just took a shower, and we have people coming over in 20 minutes.. OR.. DAMN, I just emptied my sink and now it is filled with empty dishes.. WTF... Gabriel is actually kind of cool, and Nick is getting it too.. No more dirty clothes all over master suite.. Next thing I will be asking from them -- Please no "tooting"... Nobody cares about extra "aromas" floating around...lol...:D

Gabriel had his FIRST piano Recital-- He played Fur Elise and Marching song.. Instead of one applause he got 2 :D - Well, rule was to applaud in beginning- then let them play 2 songs and applaud again-- BUT Gabriel played Fur Elise so well people forgot about NO APPlaud rule between songs, and he got CLAP CLAP CLAP :D:So proud of my pianist :D

We also had couple of fun parties and Dinner events with friends :D You have no idea how much I love this OC or actually California lifestyle-- There is something for everyone. For me, for you, for rest of you..hehe.. you just have to find it :)
My best friend had her Pimps and Ho's party ( my idea), 4th of July party with my other friend, numerous dinner parties... Playdates for Gabriel, etc...
There is never dull moment in our house. We are always on the go. Sometimes I think we plan to much ( My fault), but I just want to be active.... :D

;)

MIss my princess Regina...

:D

2010-07-01T19:12:00.000-07:00

My boy turned 9 on June 22nd:D What a life he have had so far. He was 2 years old when Regina was diagnosed with cancer. He has been so understanding, and careful brother. I am so proud to say that HE IS MY SON :D But he still remember his 2007 birthday that we had to cancel and Regina had to have emergency brain surgery due to overwhelming tumor growth in her brain... Is it always will be like -- Remember that birthday , and that Christmas, and That easter ... Do you remember when .. and then...
Yes I understand that grieving is process with ups and downs.. But why it has to be so painful? Why remembering good times brings so many mixed emotions- anger, joy, laughter, tears.. Feelings are like one big puzzle... Once you think you have completed it , something or someone messes it all up and there are those single pieces again..

But to be honest- We are having fun together as family of 3. We are blessed with great friends and family who understand us or "pretend" that they do ;) We live in warm and sunny So Cal .. soon to be moving to Asia ( IF we sell our house...hehe)..

Thank you for checking in once in a while:D Group hug :D

2010-06-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people keep surprising me. I thought I have heard of everything but I guess not...
couple of days ago "potential Buyers surprised me with a question IF our Daughter has died in our house.. Since they did it through our realtors, I told our Realtor, it is UP TO THEM TO Lie, but I am sure they will find out , since we do live in a very tight community.
But surprise point was.. So you found out, are you trying to LOWER our house price again ,because it is "spirited? ) .. You know, lowering price does not take spirits away, I will "TELL REGINA " to be extra spirited.. hehe.. if u know what I mean..

Nick is COMING HOME!!! CAN'T wait...

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL FOR GABE JUNE 23rd..

Gabriel is turing 9 on june 22nd...

4th of JULY is around the corner....

RIght now.. just waiting...

Our house, friends and other drama...

2010-06-13T20:39:00.000-07:00

:D Aur Haus häs biin on market now for 28 dayz.. hehe

Well, we got our first crappy offer. ONLY 930 000. THey based their price on " Our low upgrades", bad landscaping and bank owned homes without the view... Well, they can dream on.. I don't care... we counter offered 1,169 000 . I KNOW they want our house, it is just price. BUT THEN AGAIn _ DON't LOOK IF YOU CANT TOUCH !!!

I have all the time in the world to get the deal I WANT, and if they complain to much-- FUCK THEM !!! I can cancel our contract with them !! I know we don't have crown moldings ( I don't like them , they make houses feel stuffy, I know we don't have awesome landscaping ( but we don't have 100 000 dollars to get one awesome landscaping), It is acceptable. Nothing special. I KNOW WE DON"T have cherry wood floors... But we don't like dark wood, or dark staining...
WHAT WE HAVE-- GREAT house with great views, and wit great flow, and let's not forget awesome neighbors, freeway is right there, toll road is couple of minutes away. School is in walking distance and LOOOVE LNES!!!

Oh, ANd also-- our community has 2 beautiful swimming pools with spas and baby pools, and park for kids, and baseball court.:) Not to mention IT IS GATED!!!!!

We also have great sunsets and 4th of july fireworks-- couple of hospitals just minutes away, shopping centers , grocery stores, etc.. THERE IS NOTHING LN area does not have.. Like one of my friends said-- Buying this house, you are getting whole lot more :D

Ok. I am done with my sales pitch.. hehe.

I went out with my bff x for drinks and she started crying that I am leaving.It finally hit her after we got our first offer that WE REALLY ARE MOVING.. we know each other for 9 years. I HAVE SEEN HER 3 PREGNANCY's , I have seen her baby's growing up, I have seen her good , bad and ugly days. ANd It does make me little emotional to LEAVE for couple of years.. Who knows what kind of crowd she starts hanging out now.lol :D

I am patiently waiting, cleaning, cooking, baking, dusting, organizing, packing... I have lot of things to do, If u think I sit and do nothing. U R WRONG!! ;)

Brokers viewing today...

2010-05-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

I TOOK OFF, because I did not want to stay home and see all those " people" looking at our house and going.. HMH... Interesting-- INTERESTING MEAND- NOT GOOD!!!!! lol.. but Liz is great. I love our Realtors.
Notes -- Liz had created this feedback sheet, so brokers/ agents/ realtors can fill them out and LET ME KNOW WHAT KIND OF CHANGES THEY WANT TO SEE ... anyway.. they will not see many changes, because my house is perfect the way it is :D

"Fresh paint- looks great"

Re hang some decorations and make it look more liced in on .. STAGE.

Beautiful Open Plan, Great View

GET RID OF RED AND GREEN PAINT... STAGE...

VERY CLEAN.

Update furniture and appliances....
Price to high.

Awesome view/love master suite retreat, great floor plan/ kitchen great for entertaining

PRICE IS HIGH

Nice and CLEAN...
Stage .

RED AND green walls to be toned down... ( NEVER)...

Very clean, beautiful view.

Paint the bedrooms neutral, especially the downstairs " green ROom... Other than that PERFECT :D

Excellent
Spacious floor plan
LOVE FLOORING :D
Beautiful home, shows great

No suggestions - looks great.
Home decor is outdated. Makes tougher to sell...

Beautiful-- NICELY DECORATED.

Sadly, downstairs bedroom does not have bath attached..

I can't believe HOW DIFFERENT opinions we got-- for some it is great, to others- THEY DON"T understand why EUROPEANS don't have european styling... Sadly, I don't like STUFFY furniture... I like clean clutter free spaces... ....

2010-05-20T07:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.redfin.com/CA/Laguna-Niguel/27715-Manor-Hill-Rd-92677/home/4877098

AND our house is on Market. COntact our realtors Liz and Ty if you are interested purchasing it ;) We would really love to get a good people living in here who would love this house as much as we do .

I hope we sell fast and when inspector does rounds, finds nothing major going on with our house. :D:D:D:D:D

OIH

2010-05-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

SO little time so much to do. I don't understand... Feels like REginas funeral was couple of days ago , but it is MAY!!! It will be 8 months since my baby passed away.. ANd on 8th May I will be 32.. I still can't belive that I was 25 when Regina was diagnosed with Cancer. WOW, I had to grow up overnight, and get my priorities straight and learn everything about braintumors, medications, doctors. I want to thank you all the help and support I received over the years. ..:D

Anyway-- as you all know we are getting ready to move away from US for a while. For max 2 years... My house is painted. It is 90% beige with hint of honey in it. Looks very grand, and sophisticated. I was not sure If I like it, but I do. :D We are still making minor fixes here and there to make it as welcoming to NEW people as possible. I have to let go WHAT I like, and think about what other people may like. It is very hard thing to do... When painters painted our house , the guy told me--- YOur house looks like "daycare"--( korean guy..lol).. I told him, good, That was my intention. I am mom, living in a colorful house with 2 kids and husband. ANd my kids liked it :D That is what mattered... He had nothing to say...

I am Having my last birthday party in our house on may 15th 6-10 pm. Come on over for drinks, laughs, tears.. whatever you want :D I welcome you :D

Nick has been home now for 3 weeks. On weekends we tried to do something fun. this past weekend we went to Grand Canyon- We drove to Williams, AZ. Spend a night there, Took Grand Canyon Railway train to Grand canyon and spent a night there. First time we went to Grand canyon almost 12 years ago-- after we got married in Las Vegas:) This time, I Enjoyed it more. I was in awe by GC. But to be honest, I don't understand people who move there... Besides beautiful views, crazy wildlife( ELKS and Squirrels) there is nothing much to do. :( Visit that place once in a while is great thought:) I loved it :D

On our way back Our tire broke. Just when I pulled over to park and tank in gas station, we heard SSSSSSSSS.. Well, my husband heard.. Now.. Ludlow is tiny city with only 23 people. Closest BIGGER sity was 50 miles away. We asked locals if they have tire shop. THEY did, but sadly, metal that pierced our tire was way to big, and it was impossible to fix our tire. SO we called AAA (road side assistance). We were told that we have to wait about 2 hours before AAA comes to us.. SO we went to DQ ( dairy Queen), only eating place there.. Had burgers, waited, I facebooked. We took lot of pictures, Gabriel found shrub full of ladybygs, and he was so excited to hold them and look at them...

Nick got tired, so he thought that He is going to change a tire himself.. Well, NICK has never changed a tire before. SO, He took our car manual, and with Gabriels help they located spare tire and jack.. IT took them a while to figure out how to do it, since we do have custom tires and they need some extra attention ;)... FInally, when they removed broken tire. AAA guy showed up.
Sadly our spare was broken .. crap.. But he helped us to fix it, and after 45 minutes with our car, we were ready to start our 170 mile trip back to Laguna Niguel.. NOW, Since we had spare tire on, we could only drive 50 miles an hour.. BUT SPEED LIMIT WAS 70 miles an hour.. :( IT took us littlebit over 3 hours to get home :( and when we got home and I entered our house.. My mouth did drop to the floor... MY HOUSE LOOKED LIKE MY NEIGHBORS HOUSE... WHERE THE FUCK IS COLOR?? hehe

Right now we are trying to figure out what to do with Reginas ashes. Should we take them to Asia, or should we bury them . We are also trying to find new owners to our things. :D we have 2 twin size beds and mattresses, we have queen size bed, we have Wooden dining room table, couple of coffee table... and other small things. We want to get rid of as many things as possible. If yo u know anyone close by in OC who needs anything let us know :D

School, moving, and more...

2010-04-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

CAPO teachers are on strike.. SEcond day in a row.. Most kids skip school because of this. but NOT gabriel. He actually enjoys 17 kid classrooms now ;) hehe. I hope that teachers get what they deserve.:)

Moving... Yeah, getting our house market ready is not the easiest procedure.. Repaint all walls some sort of beige, fix dry wall issues, organize, this , that, third, fourth... To be honest... Don't get it at all... Our house is in great condition--- BUT COLOR is what has to be changed. COLOR, and it is major project... It will cost us about 6000 to color all our rooms/baseboards/ that "beige/ white.

I already removed all photos from walls . It was very emotional process.. Lot of tears, lot of memories, great memories were hiding within those photos... I cried, and smiled, and cried again:) . I had serious discussions with myself... I was about to call realtors and tell them I AM NOT SELLING, I can't do this.. BUT I can't stay to this house ether. I have to break free from my "jail". And I know we can do it.

Walking up the stairs reminds me HOW regina took her last steps up.. and last steps down.. Taking a bath reminds me when I last washed her in there.. Driving my car ..... REminds me our last ride to Mall , Chilies, SEeing a paperclip , reminds her collection of paperclips...

Today , I put on pants I havent worn couple of years, and I felt something STUCK on my ass.... it was sticker LETTER R... It put a smile on my face..hehe.

I want to thank you all for emailing me once in a while, calling me once in a while, and asking how I am doing once in a while :)

2010-04-21T20:47:00.001-07:00

:D:D:D:D Today I try to smile because I am alive :D:D:D

7 Months...

2010-04-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

( 20 Minutes after getting "bad" news.. Ride back from CHLA to our house, I climbed from my seat to back seat, sat between Regina and Gabriel and cried and smiled, and tried to make them smile...

Dear calendar makers... Please cut out date 20 from your calendars.... 20 Will never be my favorite date :(

Tallapoosa, Chicks and more..

2010-04-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Lets talk about Southern Hospitality. I really thought there is nut such thing as nice, warm Welcoming Southern Hospitality,, TILL I got to experience it myself.
Thanks to Marr Family, who invited us to spend Spring Break with them in Georgia , we got to meet Gabes best friends grandparents.

We got to Blackmons house in Tallapoosa around 5 am. It was dark one hour ride from airport to their house. Kids only got 2 hours of sleep and that is it. My friends mom and dad welcomed us with open arms and invited us in to have some breakfast . Pancakes, eggs, bacon:):):) YUMMM:):):) After that we tried to get some sleep.
Tuesday Morning was not the easiest morning for Gabriel. He was tired, whiny and did not seem very excited about being there.. But he warmed up and by the end of the day he had made friends with Chickens, chicks, and open spaces surrounding Blackmons house.

Tallapoosa is beautiful Country side. Reminded me a lot of My home willage in Estonia BUT WITH one big difference. Tallapoosa was very well taken care of .. well,,, I am not talking about suspicious trailers here and there, that most likely had one or two or 3 "suspicious " people cooking up some special potion .... but in general I was experiencing spring Like I have not done so past 12 years. Blooming apple, cherry and dogwood trees, Wisteria, tulips, dafodills, ... Green grass, trees getting their leaves and.... LOTS OF YELLOW POLLEN, so much pollen that one day we could see trees having pollen explosions... now, that was a site I have never seen....

In GA we visited , Coca Cola museum, Toured CNN studios, ate great food at Plates and Buckhead club. Centennial Gardens welcomed us with Butterflies and Birds of Pray show.

Gabriel is True Chicken Farmer. He fell in love with Chickens and Chicks. Every morning he woke up, first thing he did was to check eggs. ANd he was very dissapointed when S. grandfather found eggs first.. So, we had REAL egg hunt... Jealous, You all???? ;)

SOuthern accents, charm and hospitality is something I will never forget . I haven't been so happy for a very long time. I had time to relax and think. I had time to think about what is important for me and what is that I value most in this life.. And sometimes it Takes Georgia trip to make me think about important things in life...

I can honestly say.. I left my heart in Tallapoosa...
You can see all the photos I took in my Picasa album:)
http://picasaweb.google.com/dianatan78/Georgia2010#

During this trip I heard sad news. We lost another sweet girl to Cancer... Rest In Peace Lauren. You will be missed.

Tallapoosa Facts... it has about 3200 people
Land Area- 7,41 miles
More Females than men,
91% White

Another First..

2010-04-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

First Easter without my Beautiful Regina. I Have been trying to keep myself busy, hanging out with friends, doing gazillion things same time, blasting music so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.. But the truth is It is not helping at all.

Yesterday we had Easter Egg hunt. I just channeled my thoughts away from it.. Trying to think about things that don't remind her. Again, not successful... after I got home from hunt and shopping.. I just worked out and cried .. It was good, Crying was good. But today I feel same all over again...
I look out to my back yard and in my mind I see walking in her nightgown from one end to other trying to get some Easter eggs...

Oh.. I miss her soo much.

:(

2010-03-29T21:36:00.000-07:00

I miss my man. I HATE him being away from us on HIS birthday. Birthdays have been THE MOST IMPORTANT "holidays" ever for us, and ones that actually mean something. THESE ARE DATES are not made up by some ST. Nicholas, or Jesus, or witches... These are ACTUAL DATES we popped out of vagina's .. YES , you heard me right. hehe..
Anyway, Nick will be 44 on March 31st :D:D:D:D

MISS HIM TO PIECES :)

2010-03-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

I want to thank you all my friends who have been here for me and offered their big fat ear and really listened -- silently:) I know how hard it is to listen and not give advise that may not work. But you managed to do so , and you know who you are :D

We. have couple of really exciting things happening here... Spring BREAK FOR GABRIEL and ME:) wohoooo.   One week no homework. ONE WEEK NO WAKING UP 6.15 AM. ONE WEEK OF FRIED SOUTHERN FOOD...Nothing can beat that ??? YES:) We are packing our carry on luggage and heading to Atlanta, Georgia. Gabriels best friends family lives there, and     I am soooo happy that they invited us with them to meet S. Grandparents and uncles and whoever else is there. I heard that there are lots of chickens and CHicks , so I should feel like I am home.. ( my childhood). And one week of fried foods sound like paradise. I have not had anything fried for a very very long time.:D:D:D:D:D:D.. Anyway... I am beyond excited. I am just ready to take this world :)

After that trip, NICK COMES HOME>. Wooo fucking hooooooo. AND we decided after we got a great recommendation from our next door neighbors, to go to Arizona. We visited Grand canyon once before, but it was before kids. THis time we are taking Gabriel with us and we are making it an adventure.
http://www.thetrain.com/
We are going to drive there, take train ride, hike, drive back and enjoy our little family :)(:):):)

Sure.. during THIS upcoming spring/ summer we have to find renters to our wonderful colorful house with awesome view and location.. Not to mention neighbors ;) WE HAVE THE BEST NEIGHBORS ever:D

<3
Missing our Princess Regina.. Going to Ice Cream store is painful, GOing to Mall is painful, Going to   Tall Mouse craft store is painful, GOING TO POOOL is very , very painful. But I am doing it, because I know she would not want me to feel sad and depressed all the time. I know she wants me to be best ME ever. But wherever I go, I carry her with me. SHe is forever in my Heart. She is constantly in my mind.. ANd I just found out that Gabriel things about her more than I thought he would.

Gabriel has never been attached to any of his toys, clothes, blankets... never, ever ever... But past 4 months or so, he can't part of his comforter. He wakes up with it, carries it to our rocking chair, takes it to computer room, takes it to our car. .. eats lunch dinner and breakfast   being covered with it... Regina was her security blanket before, ..she liked taking care of her and being protective of her.. and now he feels very protective of his blanker.:(:(:(:(

I feel so sad for Gabriel :(

I hope you all are having great time and BE YOU :) Don't try to be someone else.   We have enough copycats and liars . I really want to see MORE YOU people.. " Get Naked" and stop pretending ....

Luv.

di.

2010-03-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, 3/30 was beautiful day... 6 months since Reginas passing . Day itself was really , really beautiful. We woke up and headed out to our community Spring party :) Candy, music, food, cupcakes, lots of people :) IT was fun. Also.. 9 years in our community and within this 9 years we have attended lot of community events. NOT ONCE we won before.. but on 03.30 Gabriel won easter basket with Cars and candy:) ANd we saw cloud heart :) I know Reginas was present in that event. CUPCAKE DECORATING??? ARE YOU FOR REAL??? She can't miss those events. :) ANyway it was awesome sunday :) and you should have seen Gabriel smile when we won :) HE was soooo happy :)

I have to admit something...

2010-03-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

Something big, something very serious. And some words may hurt some of you. I have been avoiding lot of you. Especially those of you who have daughters.. and we used to hang out, do things, fun things, talk, compare.. Everytime I hear some of you say something fun about your daughters I feel pain. Every time I see 8,9,10 year old's walking down the street with fun outfits, I see Regina. Every time you brag about how well your daughters are doing, I feel like crying. And I eventually do. Sometimes I just leave conversation rudely and come back when I think I can hold alright conversation..

I really am doing my best, but is not as easy as I thought. I don't think it ever will be. :( I had great conversations with some of my cancer moms who have lost kids 6-7 years ago, and at times they still feel like I feel now, and it scares. I don't want people to feel afraid to talk about things with me, and I don't want them to feel angry at me when I stop them and say. Enough please. ..

I have been "nesting" in a way, or spring cleaning. I am freeing myself from things I could not give up because of Regina, because she loves lot of tiny nick nacks... And I had looot of those. few boxes full, well, before shelves full, but now boxes.... Well, in a way, I just try to keep myself busy at home. Walks, cooking, playing with Gabriel, reading, facebook, photos, Nick, lunches dinners with friends, dancing, and my wine and cheese... :D:D:D:D I also am getting myself mentally ready for China. 2 weeks ago I was not as ready as I am today. Nut I am not ready to sell our house with horrible real estate market. .. If you think you can pay 4000 dollars for rent per month for at least 15 months, this house will be yours ;) Great location, awesome views, perfect neighbors:D hehe.

Talk to you soon :)

Just few photos :D:D:D:D

2010-03-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

Gabriel watching tv

:D

2010-03-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

Hei dear Followers :) Thanks for Sticking with me and my messalicious life...hee. Things are not bad, they are just different. Very different. My day may start out so great. HAPPY, smily, danging , working out.. and then.. wa waaa waaaaa.. For example. I am going to grocery store. I get my stuff and head towards cashiers. and then I see DVD... Strawberry shortcake, or BARBIE or Princess DVD. And I feel like letting it out right there... Holding back my tears I proceed to checkout . I place my items to table. Cashier asks me " How are you doing today?" , I look at her, smile and say. I am doing GREAT, how are you doing.... And she tells me. " not the Best morning", but got a do what you got to do... " I just look at her again and tell her. Hope your day gets better...
BUT instead, I wanted to tell her when she asked. " Are you fucking sure you want to know how I am doing? Are you really sure? because if you knew what I have to say, you would not be asking how I was doing after seeing my Daughters fave snacks, dvd/s balloons, books, drinks,... How I was doing.. YOu would be giving me one huuuge hug. Because that is what I need .. right now...

But.. I bite insides of my cheeks, and keep a straight but disturbed face.. I thank them for bagging my groceries, tell them, NO , Idon't need help taking my cart to my car. And see you soon.. .. And I leave and I feel free.. till .... there is something else that reminds me something... something something....
I hate my brain. I hate it. I wish there was easier way to deal with all this. But there isn't and I have to make it work. And I thank my blog and readers for it :) Thank you. For checking in once in a while, leaving inspirational feedback. Sorry , I don't reply to all of you. But I take every message with me, and keep it close to my heart. :)

Ups and downs,...

2010-03-09T19:56:00.000-08:00

( Rainbow over our Community )

. WOW. March. I cant believe that in 10 days it will be 6 months . 6 months is long time for some, but for me time has gone by very fast. I still remember everything like it was yesterday.. I remember it to details. I remember placing my ear against her chest to make sure IT was her last breath. I was hoping NOT,.. but .. I hat to do it second time to make sure my ear WAS placed on her heart.... It was not beating. It was not beating. IT HAD STOPPED BEATING.. I knew that it would happen. I knew, but when it did happen i wished I was magician... I wished I could say 3 magic words and she would wake up and smile like there was no cancer.. IN THIS DIMENSION... In this world, with us. HERE... But things like this never happen.
We all remember our babies first movement in our tummy, first smile, first steps, first tooth, First everything. EVERYTHING.But I also remember everything last... Last thibg she tasted, last outfit, last words-- I love you tooo---, last look in her eyes... last time she took her breath... last.. LAST... I remember last time I touched her.... She was cold.. cold.. I don't want to remember it. It is something that is very hard to erase from my memory. .. But what gives me piece is Seeing her last time in her casket. She looked in peace.. She looked so peaceful..
Sorry readers that I have to drag you down with me. But this is what I feel how I feel. I have lot of good days. LOT of good days, lot of smiles , laughter happiness. Plenty of it, but when good thoughts leave, darkness takes place... and it stays for a while...
....
Today I was again holding Reginas things, looking at her stash of stickers. SHE loved stickers and crayons. SHE LOVED them. If I gave her sheet of stickers, she would take her scissors and cut them out one by one. She could do it for hours. just cut out stickers. and she stored them in her hannah montana shoe box. at first she did store them at plastic bags, but I told her to put them all at one place, and she did. When she could not cut with her right hand, she would switch over and do it with her left hand... . and I have that box of her stickers. I did give away lot of her cut stickers ,but I still have some. :) It is funny tho think that it gave her joy. Stickers made her smile.. Cutting out stickers was fun :)and crayons were her choice for coloring and drawing:) SHe sharpened her crayons. And again, she could sit for an hour to just sharpen them. And again , she liked doing it:) now and then i get an image of her sharpening her crayons. I usually think about it when I sharpen my lip or eye pencil. ..
aahh.. silly me. I MISS HER SO, SO MUCH.

I miss my Cupcake Princess.

2010-02-25T18:38:00.000-08:00

I miss my Baking Buddy Regina. I really do. I remember our last time baking together. She had already lost ability to use her right hand and struggled to stir her cupcake dough. I had to help her. BUT she did it. I remember how she used her left hand and placed paper cupcake liners into pan. I remember helping her back to her sofa where she patiently waited cupcakes to be ready. I remember her eating 3-4 at a time ( she was on steroids),.. And that was last time she ever baked of prepared us something. . I have baked cupcakes once since then. It was very hard thing for me to do.****
I have not felt like writing. I think about writing, I have opened up this blog many time and type couple of sentences but then I erase it. I have lot to say, I HAVE lot in my mind and I wish I was in happier better place, but I am not. I am still very broken inside. Still hurting, still crying and holding back tears when I am at public place and something reminds me of Regina. I avoid going to LNES because I see "her Friends", I avoid people because I feel like I can't handle hugs and we are thinking of you comments...I do fun things and GO OUT, but oftentimes instead of smiling I wanted to cry..

2010-02-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

February..
It is weird. I remember 2, 3, 4 February's that Regina and I spent in hospitals. Drawing pictures ,making hearts, cutting out hearts... At first I feared it. I feared february, like I feared November, December.. But , I am starting to like it. I love finding hearts she drew, I LOVE finding postcards in drawers, in her closet, In her make up box. It makes me smile. I remember last february and CHLA.. Heart she made.. I still have it :) yes, I love February.

Things have been alright around here. Gabriel is a great student in LNES, once in a while he does get a lover score, but then I give him a serious speech about.. WTF where u thinking?? HOW MUCH IS 8X9 again... JUP.. it is 72. NOW, for 72 hours you are not allowed to play WII.. hhihihihiii.. lol. AND then, screaming starts , like I am about to murder him. I just stare at him and tell say... EVERY minute u cry without any serious reason I ADD an hour... HE SCREAMS even more. for about an hour. then he comes to me asnd says.. CAN I REad a book for an hour so you can take few of those minutes away??? hahaha... I just tell him. YES you can, BUT, you have to stop asking in every 4 minutes.. HOW MUCH MORE TIME DO I HAVE LEFT???

Gabriel is super cool.. :):):):)
TOnight he asked me about REgina. Few questions. HE wanted to hear story about when Gabriel was born and we brought him home from hospital.. REgina was very upset. she started crying ( at 22 months) and told us to Take Gabriel back to hospital... SHE was really, really , really upset. SHe cried, and cried, and cried . But then she got used to Idea that Gabriel is not going away, and she was fine ever sense... Every time I tell this story to Gabriel he starts laughing. He thinks it is super funny. He asks WHy Regina did not like him... I told Gabriel, you were tiny wrinkled screaming and stinky thing... WHy do you think she did not like you at first. hehe... That makes Gabriel laugh even more... hehe..
I love seeing Gabriel happy:) He gets very creative and imaginative when he is happy. I don't have to force him to do things he does not really like to do.. HE just does them without complaining... ..

ANyway., things are ok. Nick is finally coming home. I miss him. I really do. I have not seen him since January 1st. It is very hard , since it is NEW year for us and NEW beginning for us. I just hope that from now on everything gets better and better :)

2010

2010-01-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

I am sorry I have not updated for a while. I can't seem to bring myself writing down what I am feeling or how I am feeling or how I am dealing with my feelings. SOmetimes I don't even know how I feel. I just go with the flow. I wake up, I do what I have to do and rest of the day I just sit and do nothing. No talking till 2.05... Texting once in a while, phonecalls once in a while, dinners with awesome supporters and friends once in a while. But I choose to stay quiet and calm and I enjoy silence. I enjoy peace. I enjoy hearing sing chirping or wind blowing . I enjoy hearing hail and rain hitting my rooftop middle of the night. I enjoy hearing cars driving by . I enjoy wondering what will my life be in few months....

ESTONIA- Christmas in Estonia was awesome, amazing experience.. I can not believe that our whole family was togehter. ( almost... REgina RIP and my stepdad who i never met)... BUT.. anyway.
My sister and his boyfriend, Nick and I and Gabriel, My mom and stepdad, My brother his gfriend , son and daugher my sisters boyfriends sister and mom... and 2 random village people who decided to show up and amuse us..
FOod was great, people were great and I was happy... ANd again I decided to be quiet. I wanted to hear what people were talking, laughing about, smiling about. I wanted to hear so I can learn how to be happy again. I can look happy outside, I do things that make me happy, but I don't feel it.
I feel enormous emptiness in me .. JUST like before I had kids. I felt like I NEEDED to have kids to fill that hole. ANd I did ... Now I feel like I failed to deliver. I feel like I did something wrong. I keep wondering- what I have to do to fill this empty hole with honest deeds so it will mean everything ot me... to my family and to my friends. .. I want to take my first step towards healing, but how do i know when it is right time...

I miss my Princess REgina and I see her everywhere... SHe left a lasting mark to my heart.. and I dont' think this mark will be ever erasable,

2010-01-13T13:50:00.001-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU :):):):)

Estonia was A M A Z I N G :) WINTER was just what I needed. Cold, crisp, icy , magical. At times i was in awe and thought that I am in some sort of beautiful fairytale :) And I did not want that fairytale to end. I love snow. My family family hated it, but at times when I had to go to Sauna ( about 50 steps from one building to other, I DID NOT WEAR SHOES . uuuppsss.. hehe. I just wanted to feel cold icy snow under my feet, and then run to hot sauna and sweat , sweat , sweat .. Luckily I managed to stay healty for that 3 weeks there ( only one really bad hangover but that is it). ..

Yes. It was nice visiting family, seeing friends I wanted to see, party, Travel to sweded.. My looovely husband decided to surprize me .. YES, Since he is US citizen now he does not need visa to get into Estonia.. So day before christmas MY SISTER , who lives in tallin walks in and YELLS WE PICKED UP A HITCHIKER ... I'm like.. um.. ok.. and when I finally saw who IT WAS, I had no words to say.. I just started laughing. I had not expected him to show up.. But sadly I was a total bitch about him taking me away from ESTONIA, and he hates me for it ;(:(:(:(
BUT he did surprize me.
We spent our 11th anniversary in Board of Cruisehip Baltic queen that travels between Estonia and sweden. It is all night cruise and it has about 900 cabins. CLubs, restaurants, fun for kids. etc.. In sweden we went to Northen Sweden Delsbo to visit Nicks friends family ( they used to work together in sweden Ericson... Designing some Chips I guess.. ;) ) It was nice visiting their family. They have amazing farmhouse and 2 lovely kids. Gabriel loved the fact that Their Daughter spoke english :):):) .

On First of january, Gabriel and I flew back to Estonia and stayed til 7th. Nick stayed to Sweden, visited more friends, and finally flew to Beijing. BUT in Beijing was a huuuge snowstorm, and he had to stay to Arlanda airport for few extra hours.

My trip back to US did not go so smoothly ether. On 7th I flew to Sweden to find out that my British Airways trip to London WAS CANCELLED... AAAAAHHHHHH. I was pulling my hair out. Running around , trying to find out what can I do.. Finally I was guided to TICKETING WINDOW, where only 1 person was working, and there were about 50 people on line... I was told this line was about 80 people long 5 hours ago... .. SO we stood on line and waited, 1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, 4 hours.. almost 5 hours. ANd finally it was our turn.. We found out that there were no flights leaving on that day, but they can put me on a next day flight.. SAME number, same route.. ( Of course free) I TOOK IT... Then I started panicking. OMG, what's next? WHat am I going to do now?
Now back to cruise ship. On that ship I met one of my old friends. EVE and her family. It was TOTAL SURPRISE. I did not expect to meet anyone I know there. BUT I DID. and I am so thankful for it. We exchanged numbers and they told me that If I am ever in sweden call them..

BUT of course I had to find a payphone to use. I don't know how to use pay phones.. ARE U SERIOUS? ME AND MY iPHONE ARE like best buddies. But since I DID not have AT&T in sweden . I had to learn to use payphone..lol. I went to info. SHowed them number I HAVE and asked, so what do I have to dial to get to them... And I got what I needed...

They advised me to take Express train from Airport to Central Station . ( it is about 20 minute train ride). I DID IT!!! 3 HUUUGE suitcases, Gabriels bag and my laptop bag and my purse. YES.. I HAD MY LUGGAGE WITH ME:) Gabriel was awesome help and helped me wheel suitcases :):):) He was very excited to take trainride so that is why he was so helpful..

Finally on grand central I called them again and met them there :):):):) THAN GOD FOR HELPFUL FRIENDS. I AM so lucky.
Maarika gave me her car to use in Estonia, My mom did not yell at me that my STUFF in her small house was everywhere, and Friends who I have not seen for Y E A R S lend a helping hand :):):) We celebrated:) AND OF COURSE MAIRE, who picked me up from LAX and drowe me home :):):):):)
Next morning Eves husband drowe us to airport and voilaa;) We made it. But of course Airport in England had some extra security mesurements and EVERYBODY entering our flight ( almost everybody) were doubble checked, . In some weird way they did not check Gabriel and I. We were told to sit down and wait till gate opens.. !!
This is general post. As time goes by I will post more about what I did :):):):)

2010-01-08T23:41:00.000-08:00

6pounds heavier and happier... .Back in CA :):):):) THank you Maire for Picking me up from LAX and taking me home :):):) SO tired. Updates in near future :)
LOVE AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL :):):)

2009-12-20T20:41:00.000-08:00

I had awesome time with My friend Maarika and Her family. I am sure they are happy I am finally packing my stuff and moving out ( 3 suitcases, and 2 large carry ones').
Today we are driving to beautiful Estonia Countryside. It is about 350 Km from Northen Estonia ( yup, it only takes 4 hours to travel from one end to Estonia to another end. :)

Gabriel is doing pretty good. I noticed that he is actually picking up some estonian. last night one of the kids asked from him in Estonian, what is his name, and he said. My name Is Gabriel :) SO cool :)

I am not sure when I will be able to update. If I get free Wifi in southern Est, I can do direct Iphone updates but if not, then just hope that our trip is awesome :):):):)
Lots of love
From Tans :)

In Estonia

2009-12-18T21:18:00.000-08:00

We made it here . Our trip was uneventful. We had to transfer twice, and that was the most excitement we had in a while. Since our flights were delayed one hour everywhere, WE HAD TO RUN and always made it on last minute, ( or so we thought) and when we were told that flight is delayed, I just rolled my eyes and went AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH...

Estonia is Beautiful. In Tallin is not much snow, but last night it was about 23-25 C cold. It is very cold, but I love it. I absolutely love it.:)
Gabriel is super happy. In a weird way he thinks he is superman and does not need to wear winter clothes. HE wants to run out to play without his hat, or mittens... Very stubborn boy :)

I am wishing you Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas whatever you prefer ;)

Lots of love from Tans:)

2009-12-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

I am so excited, I can not hide it...

I really can't:) I known since beginning of November that I am going to spend Christmas in Estonia :):):) SO today I finally called my parents and let them know. They seem pretty excited also.
We are leaving on Wednesday , the 16th. Red EYE flight for LAX. And we will return on 7th Of January 2009. This time we will travel with our beautiful blue US passports. NO more Green cards :)
My suitcases are packed. ( 3 of them), and Gabriel has his carry on almost packed, and I have to pack my Cameras and laptop, but everything else is P A C K E D:) I am little sad to leave "Regina" behind. I would love to take her with me, but I guess , she need a break from me .. hehehe:)

U ask what I am planning to do there? Enjoy some really cold weather, Drink lots of alcohol, eat traditional holiday foods and have fun. I know It will be hard, since Estonia is small, and REginas footprints are everywhere. But I can do it. I am not sure How I will handle flying this time. I LOVE FLYING. I love airports, and chaos in airports. I have been told that flying first time without your loved one, will be very emotional .. I know I will cry for few hours.. But right now , every day for me is taking new steps. .. New steps to the places I fear going, but I am doing it anyway. . SO , YES. I AM GOING TO ESTONIA :):):):)

About new steps. . TOday, I finally went to AAA and returned Reginas Handicap placecard. It was very for me to do so. It only took about 15 seconds to place it on the countertop, but while doing so, I had flashbacks of each time I had to park in handicap section, pull out her little wheelchair and wheel her around. At that time her whole " life in wheelchair" flashed.. I remembered each time. and after I left aaa , I just sat in my car for couple of minutes and cried .

(((I miss her )))
If I don't update before, I just want to wish you all Merry Christmas and happy New Year. But I am sure I will get couple of more chances to update. :)):) SO I will be wishing you Happy holidays many more times ;)

Love

Diana

Pulling my hair out.

2009-12-07T19:46:00.000-08:00

( I Still hung up Reginas stocking)

Ups and downs,, highs and lows. Right now I am feeling very down. Christmas parties everywhere. Sunshine kids, starlight starbright, CHLA, CHOC neurosurgery patients partie, TO MANY TO COUNT. It brings tears to my eyes to hear about these parties. My heart is bleeding that we had to be part of this cancer world for years, and got used to THAT life. NOW I have to get used to "normal" life. I have to put on a smily face when someone tells me their kids is doing good. But only question I have WHY them? WHy can't REgina be here and doing good? WHy can't I Hug her and tell her how proud I am for what she has done.
Srry for this let it out session.
Missing her.

( Bunch of fun Estonians)

December

2009-12-03T14:34:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it is December. WOW. How did this happen?
I hope you all had awesome thanksgiving. We sure did. This year we spent it with Gabriels best friends family ( also our good Friends). Why you ask? Well, they invited. To be honest. I LOVE cooking turkey and all the foods that belong to thanksgiving turkey. I love how Regina helped me set Thanksgiving table , and how she requested that WE HAVE TO MAKE LOTS OF FOOD :) And she always helped me chop something. ANd of course we had to have homemade macaroni salad, because she always loved it so much..But before she passed away, I think she had enough Macaroni salad for eternity.. lol AAHHH, miss her:) We all do :)

So this Thanksgiving was first without Regina. It was very hard on Nick also. he was looking at our Friends daughter and wondering about Regina chit chatting with her, helping her. Walking up and down the stairs. I tried not to think about it and I did good:) Wine and great food and fun people kept me entertained for a while :):):) Food was awesome.. Turkey with Oyster stuffing, smashed sweet potatoes, mushrooms and onions, cranberry and sausage stuffing, great gravy, AAAHHHHHH Food was SOOO GOOD. Myself I made my Pumpkin Cheescake:)
It was awesome night :) But events like this just make me eat more next day, and even more day after next... so now I am left with few extras here and there
Now Nick is back in Asia. Gabriel and I are here and trying to keep ourselves busy. Before Nick left, we "kissed and made up"... lol Things are good in OC :):) (( Hugs to you all))

Legos

2009-11-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

It is unbelievable what kind of flashbacks simple toys like LEGO's can bring. I was just playing with Gabriel and just realised that those mega blocks( or something like it ) I bought about 9 years ago for Regina. SHe LOVED them. ANd for me it was last time of playing with them. we decided that we are going to give them to our friend who needs them more.. As much as I hate giving them away, they do no good just sitting in my storage box. :(

Also thanksgiving is almost here. This year I did not bake apple pies or cookies. This year I WILL NOT make traditional thanksgiving dinner. I am going to bake my favorite pumpkin Cheesecake and take it to our friends house.
Every year Regina got so excited. SHE always told us that we should have HUUUUGE dinner, with lots of dishes. She even helped place our plates, forks, glasses, pour wine into our glasses ;) .. She helped me with baking and cooking... And when food was carried to table she t\hought that it was not enough.. lol. She wanted to have one of those " Fairytale" dinners with cakes and cupcakes, and cookies, and chicken ...lol.. She was something else...

We miss her.

I just want to know that I am thankful for all of you. Your cute emails, your calls, your texts..hugs.... Your time.. I appreciate your time and listening skills :) I really do :)

Happy thanksgiving to you all :)
di.

:)

2009-11-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry for not updating. As much as I love updating every day, there are times I don't want to let you know how down I feel at times. I don't want you to feel down. I want you to be happy I want you to remember Regina at her best :) SMiling, full of cute attitude . I want you to remember her mysterious glow. YES... She was always glowing. :) I miss seeing that glowing Regina around me.
There are times when I drive and I have to turn radio OFF when some songs start playing . ANd I drive in complete silence for 15min to whatever.. And at that time I manage to not to think. I just drive... But there are times I click 6 on my cd player turn the voume UP as loud as I can and I just sing and sing and sing until I have no voice left... I just let it out. There are times I see people looking at me like. WTF IS WRONG WITH HER??? But who cares:) When I do LET IT OUT I feel good :) I feel powerful, I feel like I can move on I can do things and I can be free. I should not be feeling quilty, and sad all the time AND I don't anymore. I miss Regina, but I know she will never be back and I have accepted that . I think of her often. Now I CAN go to stores and walk by girls clothes departement without tearing up. :) I can talk about her without tearing up. I am so proud of myself that I was her mom :) She is one of the best things ever happened to us :)

And now Gabriel. He is cutest "man" ever. Every time I tear up ( not that often anymore), he would ask me -- Mommy, why are you crying. And he does bring me water also, because I think that is how he thinks he can help me :) AND I LOVE IT :) He makes me smile and laugh with his silly jokes.

This is bad what I am going to say but.. I have to..
Gabriel was missbehaving and Nick told him that IF HE DOES not listen to him, he will talk to His teacher about it.... Gabriels respnse...--- I WILL TELL THE WHOLE WORLD THAT YOU KISSED MOMMY!!!!!! lol. I think it is the cutest thing ever :)

AGAIN, I want to thank you for checking on us, helping me with Gabriel, listening and just nodding instead of suggesting something that MIGHT work....
. I am thankful for you all. I am thankful that you have been so patient with me and with my crap.:)
Let me know once in a while how you are doing :)

2009-11-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

This week has been pretty calm week. I take Gabriel to school every morning around 7.30 ( drop off), and then take a walk with my friend. School is about 15 minute walk from us. Then every afternoon around 2. 05 Gabriel and his friend have been walking home from school. AND this is first year they do so. OF COURSE, I am overprotective parent, so I will walk to school , and then I will walk home with them, ( or to gate, we live in gated community), and then Gabriels friends mom picks him up from there). Funny thing is , Gabriel and his friend TALK A LOT about things that make no sense to me.. lol. They talk about snails and snail poop,dead worms , and some other stuff I need translater for. BUT, I am glad THEY have something to talk about they both understand.:)

Nick lef about 5 days after Reginas memorial service. ...Finally, on tuesday he will be home. Gabriel is not so excited, since HE has to start playing more piano. We play every day 20 minutes anyway, but I am not pushing him AS hard NICK does. .
Also, I am not sure where WE are. I am ot going to tell u much more, but when I have answers to my questions I will let u know. .

:) Missing my Regina.

( 7.30 AM)

2009-11-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

a
Today's thoughts...
I wish medical bills just disappeared .

I wish I find strength to deal with upcoming holidays. Luckily we have thanksgiving plans so I don't really have to cook this year, but I WILL MISS baking Apple pie with Regina and her decorating it with shapes she cuts out with cookie cutter.

I wish Gabriel would stop behaving like I am the worst mom ever.. ( throwing hour long fits and not obeying my rules.)

I want people STOP TELLING ME THAT REGINA IS IN BETTER PLACE. AND I should not place Regina on higher position than God is. STOP IT!!!

We did have great Halloween:) I was handing out candy and Gabriel was Trick or Treating.

2009-10-30T22:08:00.001-07:00

We Miss You , REGINA:)
( Halloween 2008)

2009-10-29T19:43:00.000-07:00

I am not going to talk about my previous posts comments.. NOT TODAY...

Instead--- I DID IT. I can finally VOTE and serve Jury Duty :):):) I am an American Citizen.. ME and other 2000 people who were sitting there in one room with me.
My Friend Beth was with me... When we arrived in Pomona, people were already lined up. FInally, around 11.45 they started letting us in. First thing I had to do was give away MY GREEN CARD:( and we were handed tiny AMerican flag. Then we proceeded to ceremony room. Got seated. I set on third row. Up close and personal with Judge ;)
Gabriel and Beth had to stay behind and sit in visitors area.
Of course we had to repeat blablalbalba, , few things, then watch 2 wideos-- ONE Obamas Congrats to us, and the other video was America the Beautiful . And that was it..

During Ceremony something happened. WHile gabriel was standing up during the Pledge of allegiance, he put down his Ds( WELL, It was Reginas, and we were supposed to put it into her urn after we got home).. He put down his DS, while he said his Pledge, PEOPLE from behind took HIS DS and ran away.... :(:(:( I would not care much about DS, but since it had sentimental value to me, I felt very angry towards those cowards who would dare to steal from 8 year old boy during PLEDGE and JUDGE present ... Whoever did it , had no remorse. ( I hope I used this word right)..
Anyway, After I left the room, I had to pick up my Certificate from table 24 and , we headed home. TOmorrow I will go to costco to get my passport photos done and then go to Post office to apply for a passport..

I am soooo tired today. And sad .. I wore Reginas button to Naturalization ceremony....

2009-10-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..

I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..

I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..

She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..

ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....

I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...

Busy Weekend...

2009-10-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Again, Thanks for letting us know you are here, and reading my blog once in a while :) I know lot of you do not like to comment, and prefer to write me emails. I am so, sooo Sorry if i do not email you on timely manner. I really am. if you feel like I missed you somehow email me or text me again. Mostl likely my brain just gave up,.... so so sorry again.

I have few thank you notes on my countertop.. waiting tro be sent out.. Maye one day with date October first on them. .. If you hae done something good for us, gifts, notes, cards, hugs, calls, texts, emails, dirty looks ;), hehe.. THANKS:) Maybe one day , I will be able to catch up.:)

Now back to our weekend.. whewww. it really was one busy weeked. Gabriels friend was over here for a sleepover... THAT WAS NICE... I DID NOT have to play wii with him.... lol.. on Saturday we went to our friends house in Placentia for a sleepover. Before that we had Volunteer visitor from Trinity Care hospice. She came here to talk abou Regina, collect few of her old clothes to pass them on to Memory Bear makers , and in 4-6 weeks we will have Bear made out of Reginas dress or skirt. :) It was really nice talking to her. ...

Today,.. Sunday, Gabriel and I went to our cross the street Neighbor's house to have dinner. Well.. they have been in our house couple of times for parties, but never over for "intimate" dinner party. So this time we went over tho their house for one on one dinner. It was nice. :) I "hate" people with PERFECTLY CLEAN HOUSES. I REALLY DO :) lol.Her house is C L E A N and clutter free... Love it.. One day I will belike it. Right now, I have to do it for my kid. Stuff here and there, .. in a way I feel like I am stimulating my boys mind keeping my house "crazy ". :0...

It is almost 11 PM.. I am about to fall asleep.. but before I go... I need some candy :(

Missin my Princess Regina...

Days...

2009-10-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

Every day is different.I had couple of very emotional days, and couple of very happy days..

I want to start out thanking those who sent us money instead of flowers, :) Money helped us cover Reginas funeral cost completely and we even paid off some medical bills. THANK YOU :):):):):)

Now my emotions are just weird. Couple of days ago I got a card for Regina... VERY LATE BIRTHDAY CARD... AHHHH I could not even finish Reading it. It was sent on time, but most likely it got lost in mail somewhere, and got delivered month late.. :(

I cry every night , sometimes during the day, but mostly before bedtime.. I am great sleeper and have no problem falling asleep right away. Moments before falling asleep are very hard for me. I used to hold Reginas hand.. and she would always give me couple of squeezes..` I miss those squeezes..

IF you ask me to do same thing with Gabriel, then -- I AM TELLING you, it will not work. I tried... Gabriel will pull his hand away and mumble something like. lkdj a;sierowie htofha .. Whatever that means.. lol

I also got Reginas Funeral DVD done by Earl Their website is http://corelann.com/ I strongly recommend them.

. AHHH. I watched it last night.. They did such an amazing job capturing details during the service, and music, and slideshow.. Just beautiful.

Gabriel is still missing Regina very much. There are days he does not want to do his homework, and argues with me for an hour or so, and then he could read book couple of times, but seems like his mind is somewhere else. Same with Math. We constantly talk about Regina and tell him that is ok to miss her and feel sad and cry, and talk about her whenever you want. And he says OK :)

Nick has been travelling for business and will be back before few days before Thanksgiving. I don't know If I want to make Traditional thanksgiving Dinner this year. We have been invited to friends house to Celebrate it with them, so most likely we will do so.. I know NICK will make me cook my Famous turkey to him :) And I will . But not on Thanksgiving day...

Now that REgina is gone I have lot of time in my hands.. RIGHT?? But it does not mean that I am ready to do something big. I am not ready to go back to school, I am NOT ready to find a job in "McDonalds" When TIme is right I will do it, but right now time is not right.

I am not Ready to START A non profit organization. YOu have no idea how many emails I got with suggestions that MAYBE I should do it, . THere are so many great organizations out there that I keep close to my heart, and I rather give them money than start another foundation that Promises something... and then money goes to "bying a company car", or renting an OFFICE somewhere in residential area. etc...

Anyway, Yes, I am still bitter at times but I am getting better. I will always miss Regina and wherever I go I see her footprints...

(((HUGS)))

2009-10-19T22:03:00.000-07:00

Month without my baby has been one heck of a month. I want to start off thanking all of you for taking me out for lunches, and listening me, and taking gabriel to playdates, and hugs.. I have also seen lot of those "quickly turn to your head left or right kind of looks".. It is just interesting to see, how at one point few people always greeted me with waves or HI's, and now... But I understand. I was ready for this.
Seems like Gabriel is the one who has hardest time about Regina not being here. HE constantly talks about her, and protects her when kids say "stupid" things , like lets scare Reginas ghost away from this house, etc..
I can see saddness in his eyes. He also said that he is not afraid to die when he has to one day.. At least he is not talking about dying RIGHT NOW... I know for few of you this may sound alarming, but not for us. At least Gabriel is talking about his feelings and worries, instead of holding it in.

I miss Regina more than words can describe. WHen I feel really down, I just picture her smiling and feel better.
Be patient with me.. I have looong way to go....

Letter TO Regina by Xochitl Arribas

2009-10-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

Regina Loved all of the princess movies . SHe owns just about all of them on DVD, but even though she liked all the movies , her favorite movie of all time is sleeping Beauty. So my question is what makes a Princess? A princess is not made by all the beautiful clothes she wears or all the shoes she has: even though if you see Regina's closet, she has a pretty awesome wardrobe. WHICH I'm very lucky , that as she outgrew her clothes she gave my girls some pretty cool hand me downs. A princess is not made by the jewelry she wears or all those materialistic possessions. IN fact , if there is only true princess and always will be is REGINA MELODY TAN, who possesses all the qualities a princess does and more. Regina not only was she beautiful but kind, thoughtful, courageous and full of love for life as she has demonstrated by her courageous struggle to fight for it.

My first memory of Regina is when she was about three years old on Halloween Night: She came trick or treating in my door wearing the cutest witch costume accompanied by Diana who also looking stunning in her costume as well. She left a lasting impression, as I'm sure she has for all those who have met her.

However , I did not get to know her until she came back from Memphis ( St. Jude Childrens Research Hospital) At this time I got to meet a family who has changed my life forever and I'm very grateful that I'm a part of their life. I have been very lucky to have spent time with Regina and Gabriel to whom my family has grown to love as part of our family. I am very deeply saddened of this special loss for you. Many of your friends share your frief and we hope that the many wonderful memories of Regina help you find comfort during this difficlut time. We miss Regina coming with us every october to the pumpkin farm to get pumpkins for Halloween and playing at the hay maze. We enjoyed playing with her at the dinosaur park and at the neighbourhood park. She has always been there with us celebrating special occasions like birthdays or just getting together to have fun.

Regina has been a good friend to both of my girls, they have shared many laughs as well as girly fights. We all know girils cab be a little emotional. I remember on one occasion Regina got upset at Baby Jordan and she wrote a note ans she taped it on her bedroon door and it read "NO BABIIES ALLOWED, ONLY DEVIN AND RILEY" . But when we would go over to her house and played she would sit with her and would make baby Jordan laugh and she would play with her and her Barbies. Regina was very giving to Riley. She knew that she really liked a pair of shoes that she had. IT was her Hannah Montana shoes and she gave them to her. Regina was so thoughtful of all of her friends. I recall once occasion that while she had planned to take a cake to her classmates for their Valentine celebration and she could not go because she was not feeling well and she wanted to make sure that they would get the cake, So I was asked to take the cake for Her. I walked to the classroom, and when I gave the nes that Regina could not make it, but that she sed them a cake , they weer all very excited to have received it. Her kindness did not stop there. Regina also got to know some Celebrieies and she got to work with one in a movie. She worked with Cameron Diaz and shen she made her own money, she went out ahd bought Riley the CUTEST Panda Bear and little purse to carry it.

Regina , you will always be in our Hearts as I am sure in the Hearts of others whose life you have touched. I will miss seeing you at school. I loved how you would wait for me and would get mad at me if you did not see me when I would go get Deving from school when He was in Kindergarten. I truly enjoyed talking to you about how your day at school was and hugging you to say good bye. I will miss your laugh when I would say something silly or ask you silly questions like do you think Devin is Handsome. I remembe ryou looking at him with your beatiful brown eyes , you would grin and with a big smile you would giggle and say YES:)

Regina was one of a kind , she had her own sense of style, she always mix matched her outfits, buy if there is anyone who could pull that off it was definitely her. She had the attitude to do it .
There is very little comfort in words, but I hope that we find comfort in knowing that we will see REgina some day as she welcomes us with open arms in the afterlife. Regina , you will be Greatly Missed , you will now for ever be our SLEEPING BEAUTY :0

By Xochitl Arribas

My Favorite Memories of Regina By Heather Andrini

2009-10-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

I have so many happy memories of Regina. On the first day of preschool I was pretty nervous. Regina was playing in a small group and said "you can play with us". I was really happy inside.
That night when my Mom picked me up from preschool I said," I have a new friend Regina!" After that , my mom says all I talked about every days was Regina. We started having play dates and sleep overs.

SOmething we liked to do was play dress up. We also liked to dance and sing together. We even took hula lessons together.
We had a lot in common. We are both chinese, we love ice cream and we both enjoy collecting webkinz.

Even though Regina was sick, she was always smiling, laughing and happy. Every time I saw Regina I had a blast with her.

We always wen to each other birthday parties, The last time I saw Regina, I sang Happy Birthday to her on her 10th birthday. Regina will be forever ten and we will be forever friends. I MISS YOU , REGINA.

Love Heather, 10 years old.

EULOGY For A Princess

2009-10-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful morning, the 20th of September, 2009. We opened up the curtains. We
could see the winding roads on the hills in the distance. The sky was blue dotted with
white clouds. We could even hear birds chirping. My wife said to me, “What a beautiful
morning. I love the autumn smell. The air is so crisp and fresh.” Out of the blue, my son,
Gabriel wanted to take a family photo. I have to tell you something here. My wife loves
taking pictures. She blew up quite a few computer hard drives by storing too many
photos. On the other hand, my son, as handsome as he is, really does not like his
pictures taken. We usually have to bribe him to take pictures with us by promising him
more game time or outrageous cash. But that morning, Gabriel wanted to take a family
picture. So we lay down by Regina’s side and took the picture. She had not been eating
for 13 straight days. Five minutes after we took a couple of pictures, we heard her
having a couple of short breathings. Then she left us. She left us on the second day after

her 10th birthday. Peacefully without pain. She left us knowing that we just took the last
family picture. She was forever 10.
Regina Melody Tan was born on the 19th of September, 1999 in Red Bank, NJ. I
remember the first time when I held her in my arms. She opened her eyes and moved
her lips as if she were calling me daddy. At that moment, I grew out of boyhood into
fatherhood. I made the promise to love her and to protect her forever.
She was a beautiful and smart girl. Watching her growing was a joy. I know, most fathers
think that their daughters are the most beautiful and smartest girls in the whole world. I
1
do not disagree. Here I just want to tell you the story of her. How she fought her battle
against cancer. How she became my role model.
In May 2004, she was diagnosed with malignant brain tumor. After the surgery, as soon
as she opened her eyes, she told me, “Daddy, I want to become a doctor. I will not poke
kids. Poking is no fun.” It made me cry and laugh. The brain surgery was just a poke to
her. I cannot even look at the needle every time when I get a poke.
Right after the surgery, she got strong chemo and radiation therapies in St. Jude
Children’s Hospital in Memphis. Then again in June 2007, she had her relapse. At that
time, most doctors told us to give up. But we did not give up. Thanks to her mom’s
determination, we found Dr. Dhall of Children’s Hospital of Los Angles. Regina had
strong chemo again after surgery. She miraculously lived. In September 2008, she had
another relapse. She then had another two surgeries and gamma knife radiation. As her
surgeon Dr. Loudon put it, she was a trouper. She was baked, she was grilled. Yet, she
was still here smiling just like a normal kid. That was amazing.
You all must wonder how the past five years were alike. That was her story.
Thanks to my wife’s love and care and the support of our friends, extended family
members and even strangers, she lived a normal and happy life even for the past five
years. Yes, HAPPY life. I remember when she had her first treatment, she was
conscientious about her look. She would put on a hat to cover her scar when we went
out. She would put on a bandanna to cover her bald head. Yet, she grew to accept her
new look also thanks to her many friends and schoolmates. They never excluded her
2
because of her look. She was surrounded by those wonderful kids. She attended school
even during her chemo sessions at CHLA as soon as her white cell counts bounced back.
She seldom complained pain. She enjoyed living very much, not lying in bed complaining
about suffering.
While she was losing her capability to walk, she would climb and slide the stairs by
herself. One night when I came home from a business trip, I carried her upstairs to sleep.
She told me, “Daddy, you do not have to wake up early tomorrow to carry me
downstairs. I can slide down the stairs.” Hearing her saying that and seeing her losing
her mobility made my cry. She was happy, no complaint. She accepted things without
whining and found joy in doing things while she could. Even towards her final days, she
told us again and again that she was happy and content with us by her side. She was
THAT happy. As a matter fact, for her final two weeks, she never complained pain and
she never cried. We did not see a single teardrop in her eyes. Her mom had to ask her
whether she needed morphine and most of the time she even said no.
She was daddy’s girl as evident by hair style. She taught me how to play Barbie and how
to play princess tea party. She would proudly tell everybody, my daddy was the best
Barbie player ever. We would dress up Barbie and Ken, pretending they would get
married and have many kids. She would cook so many different dishes.
Talking about cooking, it was her dream to become a baker and chef. She baked cookies.
She made sandwich for her mother on Mother’s Day. Of course she put too much onion
in it. She thought daddy said that onion was healthy, the more the better (Sorry, Diana).
3
She loved to make salad for daddy. She would cut different vegis into small pieces. It
was not an easy task for a small kid. Consider this. At later times, she was losing her
mobility of her right hand, she could not even use her right hand to color. Yet, she
managed to make salad for daddy because daddy just came home from a business trip.
Every cut took a lot of time, a lot of concentration and a lot of strength. She wanted
daddy to know how much she missed daddy and how much she loved daddy.
She was also such a caring kid. She loved to take care of everybody. You know, taking
care of a cancer kid is never an easy task. You woke up in the night and sometimes you
barely got any sleep. It was my wife who took the lion’s share of taking care of her. One
afternoon, my wife was totally worn out. She fell into sleep on the sofa. Regina just had
a doctor visit and had her chemo. When she saw her mom fell into sleep, she took her
own blanket off, limped from her sofa to her mom’s, and covered her mom. I noticed
that she was shivering. I asked her, “Are you cold?” She said, “I am O.K. But mom is
sleeping. I do not want her to catch cold.” I could not help but crying. She was such a
caring person. She loved everybody. Every time when I took her out to the mall, when
she had her own money for shopping, she always remembered to buy something for his
little brother. She was a great big sister to Gabriel.
You might wonder how we managed to live with her cancer. It was simple. Because she
was a happy regular kid, always waiting for that sleepover with her best friends,
planning for her next birthday, writing Christmas wish list in the summer, and dreaming
of growing up. She was really easy to be content. She did not complain. Gabriel and I
4
could make silly faces to make her giggle, even when she was totally bedridden. She had
fun in her short life. She brought happiness in our lives. She brought happiness to many
people’s lives in her path. And she taught us the most valuable lesson in life. She had the
courage to fight while she could; she had the serenity to accept what she could not; and
she had the wisdom to know the difference. And she lived a full and happy life.
Now she is no longer with us. But she will always be in our hearts. May you rest in peace.
Let us pray that we all have the courage to change things that we can; the serenity to
accept things we cannot; and the wisdom to know the difference. You, my baby girl,
were my role model, are my role model, and will always be. I love you forever, ever and

ever.

2009-10-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Speech By Kathy Bell. She spoke these words on Reginas Life Celebration.

2009-10-13T08:49:00.001-07:00

Kathy. I Hope you don't mind me posting it in my blog. I copy and pasted it from yours.:)

My name is Kathy Bell. Although I live with my family only about an hour away from here in San Diego, the first time I met Regina Tan was in November 2004, in Memphis, Tennessee at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Five years old at the time, Regina was sitting on a blue sofa in the Target House apartment she shared with her mom Diana and her aunt Sija. She sat coloring, so beautiful, all forehead and eyes, her head smooth and unblemished except for the curved question-mark-shaped scar above her left ear.

My ten-year old son Steven was with me. He took off his baseball cap and showed Regina his own head, covered with a baby-soft layer of newly re-grown hair, except for the bald spot exposing the question mark above his own right ear, Steven’s scar a mirror image of Regina’s.

Regina and Steven were diagnosed with the same rare brain cancer, eight months apart. Regina was recovering from her second stem cell transplant, and Steven was in Memphis for his six month post-treatment checkup.

Discovering that your child has a life-threatening disease is like being dropped along with your child into the midst of a tidal wave, your child can’t swim and the waters are so rough that no matter how strong a swimmer you are, it will never be enough for the maelstrom you find yourself in.

It was in the midst of such turmoil that I was introduced to Regina’s parents Diana and Nick, a few days after emergency surgery to remove the malignant tumor found in Regina’s brain. We had just returned from eight months in Memphis with Steven after aggressive treatment to save his life. After considering their options, Nick and Diana decided to take Regina to Memphis for the same treatment that Steven had just completed.

There is a saying at St. Jude, you arrive with one sick child and you go home with thirty five. It is impossible not to come to love those little bald heads as they battle the devastating diseases they’ve been dealt.

And so we fell in love with Regina. We "adopted" the Tans and we followed Regina from afar, through radiation and four cycles of high-dose chemotherapy, along the same paths that Steven had traveled eight months before. We prayed for smooth sailing and a successful outcome. We prayed for her return to a disease-free childhood.

Regina has been living with cancer and the shadow of cancer for over five years, more than half of her life. Still, cancer was most definitely not what Regina was about and not what I am here to talk about.

So, what was Regina about?

Regina was about birthdays. On the day that Regina turned five, she was in the hospital in Memphis getting her very first dose of chemotherapy. Her sixth birthday was spent in more pleasant surroundings at Disney World in Florida, and when she got home she had a second party with her friends at Chili’s Restaurant. On her seventh birthday, she had a Disney princess party at her house. On her eighth birthday, Regina was at Ronald McDonald House recovering from chemotherapy, but there was cake and when her blood counts recovered, she had a proper celebration with her friends at home. When Regina was nine, her princess party was wedged between cycles of chemotherapy. And Regina’s most recent birthday could only be described as a miracle, it is so clear that she wanted to spend her tenth birthday here with her family, and so she did.

Regina was about traveling. She went to Disney World in Florida courtesy of Make-A-Wish. She went to China and 4 times to Estonia. She went to Big Bear and Palm Springs and San Francisco.

Regina was about fun activities close to home, Disneyland and Legoland and Sea World and Build-A-Bear and the American Girl Store.

Regina was about Hollywood and show business, backstage passes and meeting celebrities, Hanna Montana and Britney Spears and Miranda Cosgrove and the American Idol contenders. Regina appeared on the big screen in the movie My Sister’s Keeper, and received her first pay check.

Regina was about fun with her friends, even though her illness kept her out of school and away for extended periods of time. Sleepovers and swimming and dress-up parties occupied her time when her health permitted. While Regina was in Memphis she looked forward to returning home and having a sleepover with her best friend Heather. Heather waited a year to start kindergarten while Regina was in Memphis so they could start together when Regina came home.

Regina was about fashion and dressing up in fancy gowns and one of her goals was to be a model. Her clothes expressed her own unique tastes and individuality, princess dresses and elegant gowns put together from whatever she could find. She wore Hanna Montana and Hello Kitty and Sleeping Beauty and Tinkerbell and anything fashionable, feminine and frilly. She had certain favorite items, the pink crocheted cap she started wearing in Memphis that finally wore out and Diana crocheted her another, the pink Sleeping Beauty poncho that I once mistakenly called a cape, the pink Disney princess dress with the cap sleeves and bow and the rows of tulle and glitter.

One of my favorite images of Regina was on her first day of kindergarten. She rocked her first day at school in a plaid skirt with matching shirt and purse, pink tights with white polka dots and appliquéd ladybug, purple Minnie Mouse sunglasses, pink Disney princess rolling backpack and the pink crochet cap, and an I’m-ready-to-take-on-the-world smile.

Regina was about fighting for the simple privilege of being alive. Hidden beneath her petite frame and feminine attire was the heart of a warrior. When she relapsed with over forty new tumors in her brain, the doctors gave her two months but she took twenty seven. Even as her treatments were failing and her tumors were growing, she continued to set goals, she wanted to grow up to be a teenager, she wanted to be a fashion model, she wanted to be a chef and cook meals for Diana.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot."

Regina is a heroine. And even though they don’t believe it, so are her parents Diana and Nick, for the way they have looked fear in the face and done the thing that every parent believes they cannot, loving their child from the womb all the way up to heaven.

My family and I prayed and hoped and visualized a different ending to Regina’s story and along with all of you who loved her, our hearts are broken.

I have no magic words of comfort to offer, only admiration and gratitude and love and faith that the memory of Regina along with the help of all the friends in your lives who love you too, it will somehow be enough to help you face the journey that now lies ahead.

From the bottom of our hearts to the tips of the stars, we love you, Regina Melody Tan. Good night, sweet princess, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

With love,
Kathleen

I need some AIR....

2009-10-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

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I am not even sure what bothers me the most. Most about me, most about REgina not being here, most about life. This all still seems like a one big joke to me. Very cruel joke. Very emotional joke...
I have been doing lot of thinking and I found answers to couple of important questions. ANd I have been talking about those few feeling with my friends.. Anyway.
Day to day bases I still hear from people, and people are still walking up to us and say how sorry they are. And they wish there is something they can do. :) Like one of my previous post made few of you really upset I want to clarify something.. I am not perfect. I am me. I am living breathing things who has feelings. Lately I did not understand this about me. WHY did I get so angry at everything, and some of you may think that I am angry at you.. NO. That is not the case at all. I don't hate you . I don't hate you walking up to us and telling how sorry you are.. I HATE sometimes how simple heartfelt words make me feel. Sometimes they make me feel angry, sometimes, simple "I am here for you " makes me cry, sometimes I have no feelings at all. Anyway, I just need time.. AND Again, There is no hate in me towards you. I HATE my hateful feelings. ANGRY feelings... And I can't do anything to make it better. Don't tell me to take drugs or seek professional help. If I can't help me , Nobody can. But I have a good feeling that one day, I learn to manage( lie) about my feelings, and can enjoy life without guilt :)

Other thing is.. I was just driving to LA yesterday, and I had lot of thinking time. LOT OF. Anyway.-- I had full makeup on, My nails done my dress on, pink shoes, I was wearing the cutest necklace ever ( Thank you friend". I was feeling amazing. I actually felt really cute at that moment.. I was driving to Evening with the Stars, A benefit for The Desi Geestman Foundation. I knew that this night was going to be emotional for me because Desi passed away 10 years ago.. ANd I just lost REgina .. And Ileana was the one who helped REgina to get a part in My SIsters Keeper...
And As I was driving I just started crying. ALl I could think was- Regina never saw my cute pink shoes. SHe would have loved my shoes, she would make a comment like - ONE DAY when I grow up Can I have your shoes? ANd I know She would have enjoyed going there and taking photos and posing.. I tried to pull it together. Wiped off my giant salty tears and turned on Radio.. AND OF COURSE Reginas latest fave song was on again-- TAILOR SWIFT LOVESTORY... And I could not pull it togehter.. I cryed few more minutes.. And started thinking more... About different things... Our social worker ( trinity Kids care), send Gabriel book about Lifesycles. To be honest I did not like that book very much. It was too general . But as I was driving and thinking It just appeard to me out of a blue that WOW, REGINA actually had a full life. She was born, SHE went to school, she had a job, she had her first paycheck, paid her taxes got a tax return and peacefully passed away. Regina lived her dream. ANd with our help she had everything one 10 year old would ever wanted to have. ( Crap, she did dream about Iphone and laptop for this Christmas)... but you see what I mean... Reginas LIFE was THE LIFE. Within her lifetime she showed us that IF we do what we really want to do we will be better and happier people. ANd I was happy taking care of her. :) Even though She lived her life to THE MAX, it does not take MY pain away. IT does not take away my sadness and tears. I still MISS her. And I will always miss her and carry her in my heart.... ..

Anyway, back to Desi Geestman foundation event. I got there 20 minutes early and saw Ileana righ away. I gave her scrapbook that I created with all the photos from My sisters Keeper set ( NO I did not take photocopies of that scrapbook). AND when Ileana gave e one hug, I just started crying again. But I managed to pull it together. Got my VIP wristband and went to see what's up :)
OMG. Ileana and her Team did such a wonderful job pulling this event together. Lighting, music, people, food, drinks. Emotions:) Hugs, smiles.. It was night to remember. :) I was sitting on table 23 WITH band named International Farmers. They do reggae music. Fun , young awesome artists :) Well.. After food was served and people finished eating it was time to meet and greet Celebrities . There was about 20 something Soap Opera stars. I Don't watch many soaps, but I did take pictures with 3 "Big Guys" :)

Ted King( General Hospital), Ken Davitian ( fat guy on Borat), and AND AAAAANNNNNDDDD Ronn Moss ( The bold and the Beautiful).

While I was looking around to find some people I KNOW, My EYE stopped on one blond very energetic lady. I was looking at her and thinking. I KNOW HER, I am not sure, from where, BUT I KNOW HER... So hour passed.... Finally I walked up to her and asked... "excuse me, did you Volunteer in CHLA??).. And she said yes. She was all dressed up, and make up was done, and hair was flowing... ANyway, her name is Elizabeth MacDonald, and she was one of our favorite volunteers in CHLA, and I was not expecting to see her in this event, since mostly it is about City Of HOpe hospital... But We did meet once again, and I Told her That Regina had passed away.. Was not easy thing to do... I teared up again... She hugged me, and she gave me her card... And that was it for that moment...
But when I was about to leave, ( 9.45PM ) I saw her once again, and I told her, I have to take off now.. ANd Take care.. BUT, She was next to Ridge Forrester - ( Ronn MOSS), from Bold and the Beautiful, and everybody was taking pictures with him. I think he IS te biggest soap star ever. I was already crying , and then Elizabeth said.. to Ronn.. I want you to meet someone special who just lost her daughter to Cancer.. ANd this time I lost it big time.. Like Major Drama big time. I think I was even shaking a little because I just felt this intolerable pain inside... Ronn just wrapped his warm welcoming arms around me, gave me the BIGGEST warmest hug, kissed my hair, and said something... .. ... And I wiped my tears and Thanked him for being part of such a great organization and then we took a photo.. And to be honest.. IT was perfect ending to a perfect event... Thanks again EliZABETH...
Sadly I had to drive back to Placentia ( Gabriel was at Maire and Steves house, second night in a row for a sleepover), and I could not drink ... ( I had 2 oz of wine, and that was it :( )
Steve made the biggest Sunday Morning breakfast... SPICY Omlette, and Pancake and it was YUMMOOOOO.

On Friday Night I went out With "my Girls". Went and did some CLubbing @ King King ( house club).

Today, Gabe and I and Xochitl family went to see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs ( 3D,) and I am about to leave my house to have dinner with Beth and Heather :) I am happy I have things to do.. But there are days I NEED SOME AIR.. I can't breathe. ANd on other days I am happy as Can be. These feeling are not so new to me, but Right now I am more aware of them.. Trying to control them , but I just need more time. :)

(( HUGS TO YOU ALL) AND don't be scared of me.

Days..

2009-10-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

(Our Morning visitor)

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Days go by very very very fast. I am still not doing much. ( Besides of eating)..
I can't apologize for what I said my previous post. I would be lying to myself. I know , People are now afraid to TELL me things, or approach me. Sorry-life sucks, My feelings suck and I am not going to just stand and smile. I have a voice, and I want to use it..

, and if you don't know what to say YOU DON't have to say anything. Smile, is fine, turning your head away from us is fine.. WHatever works for you :)

Few days ago I had very hard time with Reginas notebooks, papers with her writing on it, her school papers.. I SAVED cases full of her things, because she wanted me to do so. I just could not hold on to those things . One reason why I kept them and did not throw away without her knowledge, I was hoping she would grow up one day and show proudly to her kids what she did in school, how neatly she can write and color and draw.... But..
Anyway, I asked Gabriel what he thinks about us burning Reginas papers , so she can have them "up " with her. .. Gabriel LOVED my idea and he also now draws REgina pictures and we burn them once a day in our fireplace...
We still have LONG way to go. LOONG way.. I save some of her drawings and cut out her HEARTS( she drew hearts to every where), and clue them to scrapbook. :)

(Reginas latest favorite pair or shoes, also covered in hearts)

Now, Phrases that don't help.
It was God's will
(first find out what the survivors religious belief is)

Be thankful you have another child
( this lessens the importance of the child who died)

I know how you feel
(none of us knows exactly how someone else feels)

Time will heal
( time alone does not heal, though it helps. People need time as well as the grief process)

There must have been a reason
( perhaps not, life is not always fair or reasonable)

PHRASES THAT DO HELP.
("Door Openers"

This must be very painful for you
(then the griever feels free to describe the pain)

You must have been very close to her
(the survivor can then talk about the relationship)

I have no Idea what it must be like for you; I've never had a child die. Can you tell me what it's like

It must be hard to accept

I really miss Regina. She was a special person. But that can't compare to how much you must miss her. Tell me what it's like
( then listen).

These are just few outtakes from Care letter ( guiding me through life's passages( O'Connor Mortuary ). And for my surprise 4 page "letter", was first letter that I was like OMG, THIS IS HOW I FEEL, AND IF this was perfect world, people would understand everything.:)

It is just me and Gabriel till thanksgiving:) Hopefully I will find enought things to do with him ( BOY THINGS). IT is all new to me.. JUST BOY things.... Little different....

Gabriel Misses Regina to pieces. Most of our conversations include Regina. He also asks WHEN will he see REgina again,and IF he gets old and dies, HOW can he find REgina. :(
I just told him to think about Doves... ( dove release ). And then he would say.. BUT daddy and you die first and get to see REgina first, and that is not fair. :(:(:(:(:(
(()))

2009-10-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

I have lot to write about. Things that people say that they think are comforting but they are so WRONG, and things that people say that make me go yes, you are right.. But I am not going to write about it yet... I let you all think about something very cruel. Most of you have told me that YOU CAN NOT Imagine loosing y0ur child.. But now think.. If this happens, what you don't want to hear from friends, strangers, family members... DO you want to hear, "She/he is in better place ( I started using this MYSELF, after I heard it from so many people, but I believe it is very WRONG to someone else to say it), do you want to hear, MOVE ON, GET OVER IT? DO you want to hear, THINGS WILL GET BETTER? DO you want to hear -- I UNDERSTAND what you are going through?

I am not saying anything today. I am not going to explain how I feel about comments people say to us today.. Maybe tomorrow.
BUT, I am going to say. Don't tell me she gave up. Don't tell me she was weak.. STOP RIGHT THERE... Once -I let it slide, I just smiled and walked away, second time person who told me this, got a "speech" about You F. bitch kind of speech. .. I have no fear right now. I don't . I am done with BS, and I take no BS. If you get a parking ticket and bitch about it- SO WHAT, Pay it up and move on. ... It is your fault... RIGHT???

Srry. Just have to let it out today..

Missing my Princess Regina.