Life As It Is

In Estonia

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:18:00 +0000

We made it here . Our trip was uneventful. We had to transfer twice, and that was the most excitement we had in a while. Since our flights were delayed one hour everywhere, WE HAD TO RUN and always made it on last minute, ( or so we thought) and when we were told that flight is delayed, I just rolled my eyes and went AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH...

Estonia is Beautiful. In Tallin is not much snow, but last night it was about 23-25 C cold. It is very cold, but I love it. I absolutely love it.:)
Gabriel is super happy. In a weird way he thinks he is superman and does not need to wear winter clothes. HE wants to run out to play without his hat, or mittens... Very stubborn boy :)

I am wishing you Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas whatever you prefer ;)

Lots of love from Tans:)

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 02:21:00 +0000

I am so excited, I can not hide it...

I really can't:) I known since beginning of November that I am going to spend Christmas in Estonia :):):) SO today I finally called my parents and let them know. They seem pretty excited also.
We are leaving on Wednesday , the 16th. Red EYE flight for LAX. And we will return on 7th Of January 2009. This time we will travel with our beautiful blue US passports. NO more Green cards :)
My suitcases are packed. ( 3 of them), and Gabriel has his carry on almost packed, and I have to pack my Cameras and laptop, but everything else is P A C K E D:) I am little sad to leave "Regina" behind. I would love to take her with me, but I guess , she need a break from me .. hehehe:)

U ask what I am planning to do there? Enjoy some really cold weather, Drink lots of alcohol, eat traditional holiday foods and have fun. I know It will be hard, since Estonia is small, and REginas footprints are everywhere. But I can do it. I am not sure How I will handle flying this time. I LOVE FLYING. I love airports, and chaos in airports. I have been told that flying first time without your loved one, will be very emotional .. I know I will cry for few hours.. But right now , every day for me is taking new steps. .. New steps to the places I fear going, but I am doing it anyway. . SO , YES. I AM GOING TO ESTONIA :):):):)

About new steps. . TOday, I finally went to AAA and returned Reginas Handicap placecard. It was very for me to do so. It only took about 15 seconds to place it on the countertop, but while doing so, I had flashbacks of each time I had to park in handicap section, pull out her little wheelchair and wheel her around. At that time her whole " life in wheelchair" flashed.. I remembered each time. and after I left aaa , I just sat in my car for couple of minutes and cried .

(((I miss her )))
If I don't update before, I just want to wish you all Merry Christmas and happy New Year. But I am sure I will get couple of more chances to update. :)):) SO I will be wishing you Happy holidays many more times ;)

Love

Diana

Pulling my hair out.

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:46:00 +0000

( I Still hung up Reginas stocking)

Ups and downs,, highs and lows. Right now I am feeling very down. Christmas parties everywhere. Sunshine kids, starlight starbright, CHLA, CHOC neurosurgery patients partie, TO MANY TO COUNT. It brings tears to my eyes to hear about these parties. My heart is bleeding that we had to be part of this cancer world for years, and got used to THAT life. NOW I have to get used to "normal" life. I have to put on a smily face when someone tells me their kids is doing good. But only question I have WHY them? WHy can't REgina be here and doing good? WHy can't I Hug her and tell her how proud I am for what she has done.
Srry for this let it out session.
Missing her.

( Bunch of fun Estonians)

December

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 22:34:00 +0000

I can't believe it is December. WOW. How did this happen?
I hope you all had awesome thanksgiving. We sure did. This year we spent it with Gabriels best friends family ( also our good Friends). Why you ask? Well, they invited. To be honest. I LOVE cooking turkey and all the foods that belong to thanksgiving turkey. I love how Regina helped me set Thanksgiving table , and how she requested that WE HAVE TO MAKE LOTS OF FOOD :) And she always helped me chop something. ANd of course we had to have homemade macaroni salad, because she always loved it so much..But before she passed away, I think she had enough Macaroni salad for eternity.. lol AAHHH, miss her:) We all do :)

So this Thanksgiving was first without Regina. It was very hard on Nick also. he was looking at our Friends daughter and wondering about Regina chit chatting with her, helping her. Walking up and down the stairs. I tried not to think about it and I did good:) Wine and great food and fun people kept me entertained for a while :):):) Food was awesome.. Turkey with Oyster stuffing, smashed sweet potatoes, mushrooms and onions, cranberry and sausage stuffing, great gravy, AAAHHHHHH Food was SOOO GOOD. Myself I made my Pumpkin Cheescake:)
It was awesome night :) But events like this just make me eat more next day, and even more day after next... so now I am left with few extras here and there
Now Nick is back in Asia. Gabriel and I are here and trying to keep ourselves busy. Before Nick left, we "kissed and made up"... lol Things are good in OC :):) (( Hugs to you all))

Legos

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:52:00 +0000

It is unbelievable what kind of flashbacks simple toys like LEGO's can bring. I was just playing with Gabriel and just realised that those mega blocks( or something like it ) I bought about 9 years ago for Regina. SHe LOVED them. ANd for me it was last time of playing with them. we decided that we are going to give them to our friend who needs them more.. As much as I hate giving them away, they do no good just sitting in my storage box. :(

Also thanksgiving is almost here. This year I did not bake apple pies or cookies. This year I WILL NOT make traditional thanksgiving dinner. I am going to bake my favorite pumpkin Cheesecake and take it to our friends house.
Every year Regina got so excited. SHE always told us that we should have HUUUUGE dinner, with lots of dishes. She even helped place our plates, forks, glasses, pour wine into our glasses ;) .. She helped me with baking and cooking... And when food was carried to table she t\hought that it was not enough.. lol. She wanted to have one of those " Fairytale" dinners with cakes and cupcakes, and cookies, and chicken ...lol.. She was something else...

We miss her.

I just want to know that I am thankful for all of you. Your cute emails, your calls, your texts..hugs.... Your time.. I appreciate your time and listening skills :) I really do :)

Happy thanksgiving to you all :)
di.

:)

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:04:00 +0000

I am so sorry for not updating. As much as I love updating every day, there are times I don't want to let you know how down I feel at times. I don't want you to feel down. I want you to be happy I want you to remember Regina at her best :) SMiling, full of cute attitude . I want you to remember her mysterious glow. YES... She was always glowing. :) I miss seeing that glowing Regina around me.
There are times when I drive and I have to turn radio OFF when some songs start playing . ANd I drive in complete silence for 15min to whatever.. And at that time I manage to not to think. I just drive... But there are times I click 6 on my cd player turn the voume UP as loud as I can and I just sing and sing and sing until I have no voice left... I just let it out. There are times I see people looking at me like. WTF IS WRONG WITH HER??? But who cares:) When I do LET IT OUT I feel good :) I feel powerful, I feel like I can move on I can do things and I can be free. I should not be feeling quilty, and sad all the time AND I don't anymore. I miss Regina, but I know she will never be back and I have accepted that . I think of her often. Now I CAN go to stores and walk by girls clothes departement without tearing up. :) I can talk about her without tearing up. I am so proud of myself that I was her mom :) She is one of the best things ever happened to us :)

And now Gabriel. He is cutest "man" ever. Every time I tear up ( not that often anymore), he would ask me -- Mommy, why are you crying. And he does bring me water also, because I think that is how he thinks he can help me :) AND I LOVE IT :) He makes me smile and laugh with his silly jokes.

This is bad what I am going to say but.. I have to..
Gabriel was missbehaving and Nick told him that IF HE DOES not listen to him, he will talk to His teacher about it.... Gabriels respnse...--- I WILL TELL THE WHOLE WORLD THAT YOU KISSED MOMMY!!!!!! lol. I think it is the cutest thing ever :)

AGAIN, I want to thank you for checking on us, helping me with Gabriel, listening and just nodding instead of suggesting something that MIGHT work....
. I am thankful for you all. I am thankful that you have been so patient with me and with my crap.:)
Let me know once in a while how you are doing :)

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:31:00 +0000

This week has been pretty calm week. I take Gabriel to school every morning around 7.30 ( drop off), and then take a walk with my friend. School is about 15 minute walk from us. Then every afternoon around 2. 05 Gabriel and his friend have been walking home from school. AND this is first year they do so. OF COURSE, I am overprotective parent, so I will walk to school , and then I will walk home with them, ( or to gate, we live in gated community), and then Gabriels friends mom picks him up from there). Funny thing is , Gabriel and his friend TALK A LOT about things that make no sense to me.. lol. They talk about snails and snail poop,dead worms , and some other stuff I need translater for. BUT, I am glad THEY have something to talk about they both understand.:)

Nick lef about 5 days after Reginas memorial service. ...Finally, on tuesday he will be home. Gabriel is not so excited, since HE has to start playing more piano. We play every day 20 minutes anyway, but I am not pushing him AS hard NICK does. .
Also, I am not sure where WE are. I am ot going to tell u much more, but when I have answers to my questions I will let u know. .

:) Missing my Regina.

( 7.30 AM)

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:06:00 +0000

a
Today's thoughts...
I wish medical bills just disappeared .

I wish I find strength to deal with upcoming holidays. Luckily we have thanksgiving plans so I don't really have to cook this year, but I WILL MISS baking Apple pie with Regina and her decorating it with shapes she cuts out with cookie cutter.

I wish Gabriel would stop behaving like I am the worst mom ever.. ( throwing hour long fits and not obeying my rules.)

I want people STOP TELLING ME THAT REGINA IS IN BETTER PLACE. AND I should not place Regina on higher position than God is. STOP IT!!!

We did have great Halloween:) I was handing out candy and Gabriel was Trick or Treating.

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 05:08:00 +0000

We Miss You , REGINA:)
( Halloween 2008)

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 02:43:00 +0000

I am not going to talk about my previous posts comments.. NOT TODAY...

Instead--- I DID IT. I can finally VOTE and serve Jury Duty :):):) I am an American Citizen.. ME and other 2000 people who were sitting there in one room with me.
My Friend Beth was with me... When we arrived in Pomona, people were already lined up. FInally, around 11.45 they started letting us in. First thing I had to do was give away MY GREEN CARD:( and we were handed tiny AMerican flag. Then we proceeded to ceremony room. Got seated. I set on third row. Up close and personal with Judge ;)
Gabriel and Beth had to stay behind and sit in visitors area.
Of course we had to repeat blablalbalba, , few things, then watch 2 wideos-- ONE Obamas Congrats to us, and the other video was America the Beautiful . And that was it..

During Ceremony something happened. WHile gabriel was standing up during the Pledge of allegiance, he put down his Ds( WELL, It was Reginas, and we were supposed to put it into her urn after we got home).. He put down his DS, while he said his Pledge, PEOPLE from behind took HIS DS and ran away.... :(:(:( I would not care much about DS, but since it had sentimental value to me, I felt very angry towards those cowards who would dare to steal from 8 year old boy during PLEDGE and JUDGE present ... Whoever did it , had no remorse. ( I hope I used this word right)..
Anyway, After I left the room, I had to pick up my Certificate from table 24 and , we headed home. TOmorrow I will go to costco to get my passport photos done and then go to Post office to apply for a passport..

I am soooo tired today. And sad .. I wore Reginas button to Naturalization ceremony....

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:30:00 +0000

I hate those sweet , cute, loving flashbacks I have about Regina and I. If these were these flashback that I could change , I would not hate much... But still ,..

I can't forget my last serious conversation with Regina. I told her to LET GO so many times. WAY TO MANY times, and she just smiled... But this time, I had more serious conversation with her, because I COULD SEE her struggle, I could see her pain... But she did not listen. Must be something we all girls have in common..

I remember her listening my advice. I remember her eyes smiling for a second when I was telling her about Angels and her real brothers/sisters waiting for her in heaven. I remember telling her about life she always wanted and about her dreams coming true..after ..

She did smile for few seconds,and then suddenly dark sadness took over.
I think I WILL NEVER EVER forget that sad look. Her eyes sunk, her smile left her and sparkle that he had seconds ago was suddenly gone.... She did not look at me, but she said words that I wish she did not say to me.... " Mommy, I don't want to die..."
I tried to keep it together , but I could not. Since she was my child, it was my job to grant all of her wishes, and I was so guilty I could not grant this one.. I know she lives in our hearts forever. BUT I know she did not mean THAT..

ANd I do remember her telling me I LOVE YOU LAST TIME... She had not said anything for few days and when I told her I LOVE YOU, she said it back... My husband was in his office, and heard it also... and that was last time she spoke... 2 days before she passed away.....

I know I will start repeating these last memories many times with you, but these are my last favorite memories with her.
I Miss her very , very much.. Every day is a challenge ...

Busy Weekend...

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Again, Thanks for letting us know you are here, and reading my blog once in a while :) I know lot of you do not like to comment, and prefer to write me emails. I am so, sooo Sorry if i do not email you on timely manner. I really am. if you feel like I missed you somehow email me or text me again. Mostl likely my brain just gave up,.... so so sorry again.

I have few thank you notes on my countertop.. waiting tro be sent out.. Maye one day with date October first on them. .. If you hae done something good for us, gifts, notes, cards, hugs, calls, texts, emails, dirty looks ;), hehe.. THANKS:) Maybe one day , I will be able to catch up.:)

Now back to our weekend.. whewww. it really was one busy weeked. Gabriels friend was over here for a sleepover... THAT WAS NICE... I DID NOT have to play wii with him.... lol.. on Saturday we went to our friends house in Placentia for a sleepover. Before that we had Volunteer visitor from Trinity Care hospice. She came here to talk abou Regina, collect few of her old clothes to pass them on to Memory Bear makers , and in 4-6 weeks we will have Bear made out of Reginas dress or skirt. :) It was really nice talking to her. ...

Today,.. Sunday, Gabriel and I went to our cross the street Neighbor's house to have dinner. Well.. they have been in our house couple of times for parties, but never over for "intimate" dinner party. So this time we went over tho their house for one on one dinner. It was nice. :) I "hate" people with PERFECTLY CLEAN HOUSES. I REALLY DO :) lol.Her house is C L E A N and clutter free... Love it.. One day I will belike it. Right now, I have to do it for my kid. Stuff here and there, .. in a way I feel like I am stimulating my boys mind keeping my house "crazy ". :0...

It is almost 11 PM.. I am about to fall asleep.. but before I go... I need some candy :(

Missin my Princess Regina...

Days...

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:36:00 +0000

Every day is different.I had couple of very emotional days, and couple of very happy days..

I want to start out thanking those who sent us money instead of flowers, :) Money helped us cover Reginas funeral cost completely and we even paid off some medical bills. THANK YOU :):):):):)

Now my emotions are just weird. Couple of days ago I got a card for Regina... VERY LATE BIRTHDAY CARD... AHHHH I could not even finish Reading it. It was sent on time, but most likely it got lost in mail somewhere, and got delivered month late.. :(

I cry every night , sometimes during the day, but mostly before bedtime.. I am great sleeper and have no problem falling asleep right away. Moments before falling asleep are very hard for me. I used to hold Reginas hand.. and she would always give me couple of squeezes..` I miss those squeezes..

IF you ask me to do same thing with Gabriel, then -- I AM TELLING you, it will not work. I tried... Gabriel will pull his hand away and mumble something like. lkdj a;sierowie htofha .. Whatever that means.. lol

I also got Reginas Funeral DVD done by Earl Their website is http://corelann.com/ I strongly recommend them.

. AHHH. I watched it last night.. They did such an amazing job capturing details during the service, and music, and slideshow.. Just beautiful.

Gabriel is still missing Regina very much. There are days he does not want to do his homework, and argues with me for an hour or so, and then he could read book couple of times, but seems like his mind is somewhere else. Same with Math. We constantly talk about Regina and tell him that is ok to miss her and feel sad and cry, and talk about her whenever you want. And he says OK :)

Nick has been travelling for business and will be back before few days before Thanksgiving. I don't know If I want to make Traditional thanksgiving Dinner this year. We have been invited to friends house to Celebrate it with them, so most likely we will do so.. I know NICK will make me cook my Famous turkey to him :) And I will . But not on Thanksgiving day...

Now that REgina is gone I have lot of time in my hands.. RIGHT?? But it does not mean that I am ready to do something big. I am not ready to go back to school, I am NOT ready to find a job in "McDonalds" When TIme is right I will do it, but right now time is not right.

I am not Ready to START A non profit organization. YOu have no idea how many emails I got with suggestions that MAYBE I should do it, . THere are so many great organizations out there that I keep close to my heart, and I rather give them money than start another foundation that Promises something... and then money goes to "bying a company car", or renting an OFFICE somewhere in residential area. etc...

Anyway, Yes, I am still bitter at times but I am getting better. I will always miss Regina and wherever I go I see her footprints...

(((HUGS)))

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:03:00 +0000

Month without my baby has been one heck of a month. I want to start off thanking all of you for taking me out for lunches, and listening me, and taking gabriel to playdates, and hugs.. I have also seen lot of those "quickly turn to your head left or right kind of looks".. It is just interesting to see, how at one point few people always greeted me with waves or HI's, and now... But I understand. I was ready for this.
Seems like Gabriel is the one who has hardest time about Regina not being here. HE constantly talks about her, and protects her when kids say "stupid" things , like lets scare Reginas ghost away from this house, etc..
I can see saddness in his eyes. He also said that he is not afraid to die when he has to one day.. At least he is not talking about dying RIGHT NOW... I know for few of you this may sound alarming, but not for us. At least Gabriel is talking about his feelings and worries, instead of holding it in.

I miss Regina more than words can describe. WHen I feel really down, I just picture her smiling and feel better.
Be patient with me.. I have looong way to go....

Letter TO Regina by Xochitl Arribas

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:05:00 +0000

Regina Loved all of the princess movies . SHe owns just about all of them on DVD, but even though she liked all the movies , her favorite movie of all time is sleeping Beauty. So my question is what makes a Princess? A princess is not made by all the beautiful clothes she wears or all the shoes she has: even though if you see Regina's closet, she has a pretty awesome wardrobe. WHICH I'm very lucky , that as she outgrew her clothes she gave my girls some pretty cool hand me downs. A princess is not made by the jewelry she wears or all those materialistic possessions. IN fact , if there is only true princess and always will be is REGINA MELODY TAN, who possesses all the qualities a princess does and more. Regina not only was she beautiful but kind, thoughtful, courageous and full of love for life as she has demonstrated by her courageous struggle to fight for it.

My first memory of Regina is when she was about three years old on Halloween Night: She came trick or treating in my door wearing the cutest witch costume accompanied by Diana who also looking stunning in her costume as well. She left a lasting impression, as I'm sure she has for all those who have met her.

However , I did not get to know her until she came back from Memphis ( St. Jude Childrens Research Hospital) At this time I got to meet a family who has changed my life forever and I'm very grateful that I'm a part of their life. I have been very lucky to have spent time with Regina and Gabriel to whom my family has grown to love as part of our family. I am very deeply saddened of this special loss for you. Many of your friends share your frief and we hope that the many wonderful memories of Regina help you find comfort during this difficlut time. We miss Regina coming with us every october to the pumpkin farm to get pumpkins for Halloween and playing at the hay maze. We enjoyed playing with her at the dinosaur park and at the neighbourhood park. She has always been there with us celebrating special occasions like birthdays or just getting together to have fun.

Regina has been a good friend to both of my girls, they have shared many laughs as well as girly fights. We all know girils cab be a little emotional. I remember on one occasion Regina got upset at Baby Jordan and she wrote a note ans she taped it on her bedroon door and it read "NO BABIIES ALLOWED, ONLY DEVIN AND RILEY" . But when we would go over to her house and played she would sit with her and would make baby Jordan laugh and she would play with her and her Barbies. Regina was very giving to Riley. She knew that she really liked a pair of shoes that she had. IT was her Hannah Montana shoes and she gave them to her. Regina was so thoughtful of all of her friends. I recall once occasion that while she had planned to take a cake to her classmates for their Valentine celebration and she could not go because she was not feeling well and she wanted to make sure that they would get the cake, So I was asked to take the cake for Her. I walked to the classroom, and when I gave the nes that Regina could not make it, but that she sed them a cake , they weer all very excited to have received it. Her kindness did not stop there. Regina also got to know some Celebrieies and she got to work with one in a movie. She worked with Cameron Diaz and shen she made her own money, she went out ahd bought Riley the CUTEST Panda Bear and little purse to carry it.

Regina , you will always be in our Hearts as I am sure in the Hearts of others whose life you have touched. I will miss seeing you at school. I loved how you would wait for me and would get mad at me if you did not see me when I would go get Deving from school when He was in Kindergarten. I truly enjoyed talking to you about how your day at school was and hugging you to say good bye. I will miss your laugh when I would say something silly or ask you silly questions like do you think Devin is Handsome. I remembe ryou looking at him with your beatiful brown eyes , you would grin and with a big smile you would giggle and say YES:)

Regina was one of a kind , she had her own sense of style, she always mix matched her outfits, buy if there is anyone who could pull that off it was definitely her. She had the attitude to do it .
There is very little comfort in words, but I hope that we find comfort in knowing that we will see REgina some day as she welcomes us with open arms in the afterlife. Regina , you will be Greatly Missed , you will now for ever be our SLEEPING BEAUTY :0

By Xochitl Arribas

My Favorite Memories of Regina By Heather Andrini

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:16:00 +0000

I have so many happy memories of Regina. On the first day of preschool I was pretty nervous. Regina was playing in a small group and said "you can play with us". I was really happy inside.
That night when my Mom picked me up from preschool I said," I have a new friend Regina!" After that , my mom says all I talked about every days was Regina. We started having play dates and sleep overs.

SOmething we liked to do was play dress up. We also liked to dance and sing together. We even took hula lessons together.
We had a lot in common. We are both chinese, we love ice cream and we both enjoy collecting webkinz.

Even though Regina was sick, she was always smiling, laughing and happy. Every time I saw Regina I had a blast with her.

We always wen to each other birthday parties, The last time I saw Regina, I sang Happy Birthday to her on her 10th birthday. Regina will be forever ten and we will be forever friends. I MISS YOU , REGINA.

Love Heather, 10 years old.

EULOGY For A Princess

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 02:54:00 +0000

It was a beautiful morning, the 20th of September, 2009. We opened up the curtains. We
could see the winding roads on the hills in the distance. The sky was blue dotted with
white clouds. We could even hear birds chirping. My wife said to me, “What a beautiful
morning. I love the autumn smell. The air is so crisp and fresh.” Out of the blue, my son,
Gabriel wanted to take a family photo. I have to tell you something here. My wife loves
taking pictures. She blew up quite a few computer hard drives by storing too many
photos. On the other hand, my son, as handsome as he is, really does not like his
pictures taken. We usually have to bribe him to take pictures with us by promising him
more game time or outrageous cash. But that morning, Gabriel wanted to take a family
picture. So we lay down by Regina’s side and took the picture. She had not been eating
for 13 straight days. Five minutes after we took a couple of pictures, we heard her
having a couple of short breathings. Then she left us. She left us on the second day after

her 10th birthday. Peacefully without pain. She left us knowing that we just took the last
family picture. She was forever 10.
Regina Melody Tan was born on the 19th of September, 1999 in Red Bank, NJ. I
remember the first time when I held her in my arms. She opened her eyes and moved
her lips as if she were calling me daddy. At that moment, I grew out of boyhood into
fatherhood. I made the promise to love her and to protect her forever.
She was a beautiful and smart girl. Watching her growing was a joy. I know, most fathers
think that their daughters are the most beautiful and smartest girls in the whole world. I
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do not disagree. Here I just want to tell you the story of her. How she fought her battle
against cancer. How she became my role model.
In May 2004, she was diagnosed with malignant brain tumor. After the surgery, as soon
as she opened her eyes, she told me, “Daddy, I want to become a doctor. I will not poke
kids. Poking is no fun.” It made me cry and laugh. The brain surgery was just a poke to
her. I cannot even look at the needle every time when I get a poke.
Right after the surgery, she got strong chemo and radiation therapies in St. Jude
Children’s Hospital in Memphis. Then again in June 2007, she had her relapse. At that
time, most doctors told us to give up. But we did not give up. Thanks to her mom’s
determination, we found Dr. Dhall of Children’s Hospital of Los Angles. Regina had
strong chemo again after surgery. She miraculously lived. In September 2008, she had
another relapse. She then had another two surgeries and gamma knife radiation. As her
surgeon Dr. Loudon put it, she was a trouper. She was baked, she was grilled. Yet, she
was still here smiling just like a normal kid. That was amazing.
You all must wonder how the past five years were alike. That was her story.
Thanks to my wife’s love and care and the support of our friends, extended family
members and even strangers, she lived a normal and happy life even for the past five
years. Yes, HAPPY life. I remember when she had her first treatment, she was
conscientious about her look. She would put on a hat to cover her scar when we went
out. She would put on a bandanna to cover her bald head. Yet, she grew to accept her
new look also thanks to her many friends and schoolmates. They never excluded her
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because of her look. She was surrounded by those wonderful kids. She attended school
even during her chemo sessions at CHLA as soon as her white cell counts bounced back.
She seldom complained pain. She enjoyed living very much, not lying in bed complaining
about suffering.
While she was losing her capability to walk, she would climb and slide the stairs by
herself. One night when I came home from a business trip, I carried her upstairs to sleep.
She told me, “Daddy, you do not have to wake up early tomorrow to carry me
downstairs. I can slide down the stairs.” Hearing her saying that and seeing her losing
her mobility made my cry. She was happy, no complaint. She accepted things without
whining and found joy in doing things while she could. Even towards her final days, she
told us again and again that she was happy and content with us by her side. She was
THAT happy. As a matter fact, for her final two weeks, she never complained pain and
she never cried. We did not see a single teardrop in her eyes. Her mom had to ask her
whether she needed morphine and most of the time she even said no.
She was daddy’s girl as evident by hair style. She taught me how to play Barbie and how
to play princess tea party. She would proudly tell everybody, my daddy was the best
Barbie player ever. We would dress up Barbie and Ken, pretending they would get
married and have many kids. She would cook so many different dishes.
Talking about cooking, it was her dream to become a baker and chef. She baked cookies.
She made sandwich for her mother on Mother’s Day. Of course she put too much onion
in it. She thought daddy said that onion was healthy, the more the better (Sorry, Diana).
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She loved to make salad for daddy. She would cut different vegis into small pieces. It
was not an easy task for a small kid. Consider this. At later times, she was losing her
mobility of her right hand, she could not even use her right hand to color. Yet, she
managed to make salad for daddy because daddy just came home from a business trip.
Every cut took a lot of time, a lot of concentration and a lot of strength. She wanted
daddy to know how much she missed daddy and how much she loved daddy.
She was also such a caring kid. She loved to take care of everybody. You know, taking
care of a cancer kid is never an easy task. You woke up in the night and sometimes you
barely got any sleep. It was my wife who took the lion’s share of taking care of her. One
afternoon, my wife was totally worn out. She fell into sleep on the sofa. Regina just had
a doctor visit and had her chemo. When she saw her mom fell into sleep, she took her
own blanket off, limped from her sofa to her mom’s, and covered her mom. I noticed
that she was shivering. I asked her, “Are you cold?” She said, “I am O.K. But mom is
sleeping. I do not want her to catch cold.” I could not help but crying. She was such a
caring person. She loved everybody. Every time when I took her out to the mall, when
she had her own money for shopping, she always remembered to buy something for his
little brother. She was a great big sister to Gabriel.
You might wonder how we managed to live with her cancer. It was simple. Because she
was a happy regular kid, always waiting for that sleepover with her best friends,
planning for her next birthday, writing Christmas wish list in the summer, and dreaming
of growing up. She was really easy to be content. She did not complain. Gabriel and I
4
could make silly faces to make her giggle, even when she was totally bedridden. She had
fun in her short life. She brought happiness in our lives. She brought happiness to many
people’s lives in her path. And she taught us the most valuable lesson in life. She had the
courage to fight while she could; she had the serenity to accept what she could not; and
she had the wisdom to know the difference. And she lived a full and happy life.
Now she is no longer with us. But she will always be in our hearts. May you rest in peace.
Let us pray that we all have the courage to change things that we can; the serenity to
accept things we cannot; and the wisdom to know the difference. You, my baby girl,
were my role model, are my role model, and will always be. I love you forever, ever and

ever.

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:58:00 +0000

Beautiful Speech By Kathy Bell. She spoke these words on Reginas Life Celebration.

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 15:49:00 +0000

Kathy. I Hope you don't mind me posting it in my blog. I copy and pasted it from yours.:)

My name is Kathy Bell. Although I live with my family only about an hour away from here in San Diego, the first time I met Regina Tan was in November 2004, in Memphis, Tennessee at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Five years old at the time, Regina was sitting on a blue sofa in the Target House apartment she shared with her mom Diana and her aunt Sija. She sat coloring, so beautiful, all forehead and eyes, her head smooth and unblemished except for the curved question-mark-shaped scar above her left ear.

My ten-year old son Steven was with me. He took off his baseball cap and showed Regina his own head, covered with a baby-soft layer of newly re-grown hair, except for the bald spot exposing the question mark above his own right ear, Steven’s scar a mirror image of Regina’s.

Regina and Steven were diagnosed with the same rare brain cancer, eight months apart. Regina was recovering from her second stem cell transplant, and Steven was in Memphis for his six month post-treatment checkup.

Discovering that your child has a life-threatening disease is like being dropped along with your child into the midst of a tidal wave, your child can’t swim and the waters are so rough that no matter how strong a swimmer you are, it will never be enough for the maelstrom you find yourself in.

It was in the midst of such turmoil that I was introduced to Regina’s parents Diana and Nick, a few days after emergency surgery to remove the malignant tumor found in Regina’s brain. We had just returned from eight months in Memphis with Steven after aggressive treatment to save his life. After considering their options, Nick and Diana decided to take Regina to Memphis for the same treatment that Steven had just completed.

There is a saying at St. Jude, you arrive with one sick child and you go home with thirty five. It is impossible not to come to love those little bald heads as they battle the devastating diseases they’ve been dealt.

And so we fell in love with Regina. We "adopted" the Tans and we followed Regina from afar, through radiation and four cycles of high-dose chemotherapy, along the same paths that Steven had traveled eight months before. We prayed for smooth sailing and a successful outcome. We prayed for her return to a disease-free childhood.

Regina has been living with cancer and the shadow of cancer for over five years, more than half of her life. Still, cancer was most definitely not what Regina was about and not what I am here to talk about.

So, what was Regina about?

Regina was about birthdays. On the day that Regina turned five, she was in the hospital in Memphis getting her very first dose of chemotherapy. Her sixth birthday was spent in more pleasant surroundings at Disney World in Florida, and when she got home she had a second party with her friends at Chili’s Restaurant. On her seventh birthday, she had a Disney princess party at her house. On her eighth birthday, Regina was at Ronald McDonald House recovering from chemotherapy, but there was cake and when her blood counts recovered, she had a proper celebration with her friends at home. When Regina was nine, her princess party was wedged between cycles of chemotherapy. And Regina’s most recent birthday could only be described as a miracle, it is so clear that she wanted to spend her tenth birthday here with her family, and so she did.

Regina was about traveling. She went to Disney World in Florida courtesy of Make-A-Wish. She went to China and 4 times to Estonia. She went to Big Bear and Palm Springs and San Francisco.

Regina was about fun activities close to home, Disneyland and Legoland and Sea World and Build-A-Bear and the American Girl Store.

Regina was about Hollywood and show business, backstage passes and meeting celebrities, Hanna Montana and Britney Spears and Miranda Cosgrove and the American Idol contenders. Regina appeared on the big screen in the movie My Sister’s Keeper, and received her first pay check.

Regina was about fun with her friends, even though her illness kept her out of school and away for extended periods of time. Sleepovers and swimming and dress-up parties occupied her time when her health permitted. While Regina was in Memphis she looked forward to returning home and having a sleepover with her best friend Heather. Heather waited a year to start kindergarten while Regina was in Memphis so they could start together when Regina came home.

Regina was about fashion and dressing up in fancy gowns and one of her goals was to be a model. Her clothes expressed her own unique tastes and individuality, princess dresses and elegant gowns put together from whatever she could find. She wore Hanna Montana and Hello Kitty and Sleeping Beauty and Tinkerbell and anything fashionable, feminine and frilly. She had certain favorite items, the pink crocheted cap she started wearing in Memphis that finally wore out and Diana crocheted her another, the pink Sleeping Beauty poncho that I once mistakenly called a cape, the pink Disney princess dress with the cap sleeves and bow and the rows of tulle and glitter.

One of my favorite images of Regina was on her first day of kindergarten. She rocked her first day at school in a plaid skirt with matching shirt and purse, pink tights with white polka dots and appliquéd ladybug, purple Minnie Mouse sunglasses, pink Disney princess rolling backpack and the pink crochet cap, and an I’m-ready-to-take-on-the-world smile.

Regina was about fighting for the simple privilege of being alive. Hidden beneath her petite frame and feminine attire was the heart of a warrior. When she relapsed with over forty new tumors in her brain, the doctors gave her two months but she took twenty seven. Even as her treatments were failing and her tumors were growing, she continued to set goals, she wanted to grow up to be a teenager, she wanted to be a fashion model, she wanted to be a chef and cook meals for Diana.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we cannot."

Regina is a heroine. And even though they don’t believe it, so are her parents Diana and Nick, for the way they have looked fear in the face and done the thing that every parent believes they cannot, loving their child from the womb all the way up to heaven.

My family and I prayed and hoped and visualized a different ending to Regina’s story and along with all of you who loved her, our hearts are broken.

I have no magic words of comfort to offer, only admiration and gratitude and love and faith that the memory of Regina along with the help of all the friends in your lives who love you too, it will somehow be enough to help you face the journey that now lies ahead.

From the bottom of our hearts to the tips of the stars, we love you, Regina Melody Tan. Good night, sweet princess, may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

With love,
Kathleen

I need some AIR....

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 23:20:00 +0000

g

I am not even sure what bothers me the most. Most about me, most about REgina not being here, most about life. This all still seems like a one big joke to me. Very cruel joke. Very emotional joke...
I have been doing lot of thinking and I found answers to couple of important questions. ANd I have been talking about those few feeling with my friends.. Anyway.
Day to day bases I still hear from people, and people are still walking up to us and say how sorry they are. And they wish there is something they can do. :) Like one of my previous post made few of you really upset I want to clarify something.. I am not perfect. I am me. I am living breathing things who has feelings. Lately I did not understand this about me. WHY did I get so angry at everything, and some of you may think that I am angry at you.. NO. That is not the case at all. I don't hate you . I don't hate you walking up to us and telling how sorry you are.. I HATE sometimes how simple heartfelt words make me feel. Sometimes they make me feel angry, sometimes, simple "I am here for you " makes me cry, sometimes I have no feelings at all. Anyway, I just need time.. AND Again, There is no hate in me towards you. I HATE my hateful feelings. ANGRY feelings... And I can't do anything to make it better. Don't tell me to take drugs or seek professional help. If I can't help me , Nobody can. But I have a good feeling that one day, I learn to manage( lie) about my feelings, and can enjoy life without guilt :)

Other thing is.. I was just driving to LA yesterday, and I had lot of thinking time. LOT OF. Anyway.-- I had full makeup on, My nails done my dress on, pink shoes, I was wearing the cutest necklace ever ( Thank you friend". I was feeling amazing. I actually felt really cute at that moment.. I was driving to Evening with the Stars, A benefit for The Desi Geestman Foundation. I knew that this night was going to be emotional for me because Desi passed away 10 years ago.. ANd I just lost REgina .. And Ileana was the one who helped REgina to get a part in My SIsters Keeper...
And As I was driving I just started crying. ALl I could think was- Regina never saw my cute pink shoes. SHe would have loved my shoes, she would make a comment like - ONE DAY when I grow up Can I have your shoes? ANd I know She would have enjoyed going there and taking photos and posing.. I tried to pull it together. Wiped off my giant salty tears and turned on Radio.. AND OF COURSE Reginas latest fave song was on again-- TAILOR SWIFT LOVESTORY... And I could not pull it togehter.. I cryed few more minutes.. And started thinking more... About different things... Our social worker ( trinity Kids care), send Gabriel book about Lifesycles. To be honest I did not like that book very much. It was too general . But as I was driving and thinking It just appeard to me out of a blue that WOW, REGINA actually had a full life. She was born, SHE went to school, she had a job, she had her first paycheck, paid her taxes got a tax return and peacefully passed away. Regina lived her dream. ANd with our help she had everything one 10 year old would ever wanted to have. ( Crap, she did dream about Iphone and laptop for this Christmas)... but you see what I mean... Reginas LIFE was THE LIFE. Within her lifetime she showed us that IF we do what we really want to do we will be better and happier people. ANd I was happy taking care of her. :) Even though She lived her life to THE MAX, it does not take MY pain away. IT does not take away my sadness and tears. I still MISS her. And I will always miss her and carry her in my heart.... ..

Anyway, back to Desi Geestman foundation event. I got there 20 minutes early and saw Ileana righ away. I gave her scrapbook that I created with all the photos from My sisters Keeper set ( NO I did not take photocopies of that scrapbook). AND when Ileana gave e one hug, I just started crying again. But I managed to pull it together. Got my VIP wristband and went to see what's up :)
OMG. Ileana and her Team did such a wonderful job pulling this event together. Lighting, music, people, food, drinks. Emotions:) Hugs, smiles.. It was night to remember. :) I was sitting on table 23 WITH band named International Farmers. They do reggae music. Fun , young awesome artists :) Well.. After food was served and people finished eating it was time to meet and greet Celebrities . There was about 20 something Soap Opera stars. I Don't watch many soaps, but I did take pictures with 3 "Big Guys" :)

Ted King( General Hospital), Ken Davitian ( fat guy on Borat), and AND AAAAANNNNNDDDD Ronn Moss ( The bold and the Beautiful).

While I was looking around to find some people I KNOW, My EYE stopped on one blond very energetic lady. I was looking at her and thinking. I KNOW HER, I am not sure, from where, BUT I KNOW HER... So hour passed.... Finally I walked up to her and asked... "excuse me, did you Volunteer in CHLA??).. And she said yes. She was all dressed up, and make up was done, and hair was flowing... ANyway, her name is Elizabeth MacDonald, and she was one of our favorite volunteers in CHLA, and I was not expecting to see her in this event, since mostly it is about City Of HOpe hospital... But We did meet once again, and I Told her That Regina had passed away.. Was not easy thing to do... I teared up again... She hugged me, and she gave me her card... And that was it for that moment...
But when I was about to leave, ( 9.45PM ) I saw her once again, and I told her, I have to take off now.. ANd Take care.. BUT, She was next to Ridge Forrester - ( Ronn MOSS), from Bold and the Beautiful, and everybody was taking pictures with him. I think he IS te biggest soap star ever. I was already crying , and then Elizabeth said.. to Ronn.. I want you to meet someone special who just lost her daughter to Cancer.. ANd this time I lost it big time.. Like Major Drama big time. I think I was even shaking a little because I just felt this intolerable pain inside... Ronn just wrapped his warm welcoming arms around me, gave me the BIGGEST warmest hug, kissed my hair, and said something... .. ... And I wiped my tears and Thanked him for being part of such a great organization and then we took a photo.. And to be honest.. IT was perfect ending to a perfect event... Thanks again EliZABETH...
Sadly I had to drive back to Placentia ( Gabriel was at Maire and Steves house, second night in a row for a sleepover), and I could not drink ... ( I had 2 oz of wine, and that was it :( )
Steve made the biggest Sunday Morning breakfast... SPICY Omlette, and Pancake and it was YUMMOOOOO.

On Friday Night I went out With "my Girls". Went and did some CLubbing @ King King ( house club).

Today, Gabe and I and Xochitl family went to see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs ( 3D,) and I am about to leave my house to have dinner with Beth and Heather :) I am happy I have things to do.. But there are days I NEED SOME AIR.. I can't breathe. ANd on other days I am happy as Can be. These feeling are not so new to me, but Right now I am more aware of them.. Trying to control them , but I just need more time. :)

(( HUGS TO YOU ALL) AND don't be scared of me.

Days..

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:02:00 +0000

(Our Morning visitor)

r

Days go by very very very fast. I am still not doing much. ( Besides of eating)..
I can't apologize for what I said my previous post. I would be lying to myself. I know , People are now afraid to TELL me things, or approach me. Sorry-life sucks, My feelings suck and I am not going to just stand and smile. I have a voice, and I want to use it..

, and if you don't know what to say YOU DON't have to say anything. Smile, is fine, turning your head away from us is fine.. WHatever works for you :)

Few days ago I had very hard time with Reginas notebooks, papers with her writing on it, her school papers.. I SAVED cases full of her things, because she wanted me to do so. I just could not hold on to those things . One reason why I kept them and did not throw away without her knowledge, I was hoping she would grow up one day and show proudly to her kids what she did in school, how neatly she can write and color and draw.... But..
Anyway, I asked Gabriel what he thinks about us burning Reginas papers , so she can have them "up " with her. .. Gabriel LOVED my idea and he also now draws REgina pictures and we burn them once a day in our fireplace...
We still have LONG way to go. LOONG way.. I save some of her drawings and cut out her HEARTS( she drew hearts to every where), and clue them to scrapbook. :)

(Reginas latest favorite pair or shoes, also covered in hearts)

Now, Phrases that don't help.
It was God's will
(first find out what the survivors religious belief is)

Be thankful you have another child
( this lessens the importance of the child who died)

I know how you feel
(none of us knows exactly how someone else feels)

Time will heal
( time alone does not heal, though it helps. People need time as well as the grief process)

There must have been a reason
( perhaps not, life is not always fair or reasonable)

PHRASES THAT DO HELP.
("Door Openers"

This must be very painful for you
(then the griever feels free to describe the pain)

You must have been very close to her
(the survivor can then talk about the relationship)

I have no Idea what it must be like for you; I've never had a child die. Can you tell me what it's like

It must be hard to accept

I really miss Regina. She was a special person. But that can't compare to how much you must miss her. Tell me what it's like
( then listen).

These are just few outtakes from Care letter ( guiding me through life's passages( O'Connor Mortuary ). And for my surprise 4 page "letter", was first letter that I was like OMG, THIS IS HOW I FEEL, AND IF this was perfect world, people would understand everything.:)

It is just me and Gabriel till thanksgiving:) Hopefully I will find enought things to do with him ( BOY THINGS). IT is all new to me.. JUST BOY things.... Little different....

Gabriel Misses Regina to pieces. Most of our conversations include Regina. He also asks WHEN will he see REgina again,and IF he gets old and dies, HOW can he find REgina. :(
I just told him to think about Doves... ( dove release ). And then he would say.. BUT daddy and you die first and get to see REgina first, and that is not fair. :(:(:(:(:(
(()))

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:05:00 +0000

I have lot to write about. Things that people say that they think are comforting but they are so WRONG, and things that people say that make me go yes, you are right.. But I am not going to write about it yet... I let you all think about something very cruel. Most of you have told me that YOU CAN NOT Imagine loosing y0ur child.. But now think.. If this happens, what you don't want to hear from friends, strangers, family members... DO you want to hear, "She/he is in better place ( I started using this MYSELF, after I heard it from so many people, but I believe it is very WRONG to someone else to say it), do you want to hear, MOVE ON, GET OVER IT? DO you want to hear, THINGS WILL GET BETTER? DO you want to hear -- I UNDERSTAND what you are going through?

I am not saying anything today. I am not going to explain how I feel about comments people say to us today.. Maybe tomorrow.
BUT, I am going to say. Don't tell me she gave up. Don't tell me she was weak.. STOP RIGHT THERE... Once -I let it slide, I just smiled and walked away, second time person who told me this, got a "speech" about You F. bitch kind of speech. .. I have no fear right now. I don't . I am done with BS, and I take no BS. If you get a parking ticket and bitch about it- SO WHAT, Pay it up and move on. ... It is your fault... RIGHT???

Srry. Just have to let it out today..

Missing my Princess Regina.

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:05:00 +0000

I do miss Regina, we all do. It is very hard FOR ME , to enjoy things without her. I constantly think about her, and feel guilty about some things.. I just realised HOW much I did for her. Even around our house. Colors to stimulate her, Of course I asked her before I did paint rooms in our house, toys everywhere, her favorite music, , her favorite books, mugs , plates bowls... cupcake pans and inserts. Her favorite chips are still in my pantry, and her spicy noodles are waiting for something...

,.. We have LOT OF REGINA IN OUR HOUSE ... I feel happy and sad same time. happy , that I have learned so much from her, and sad, that She can't teach me and be here for me anymore. I still remember those times when she bought me glass of water when I coughed couple of times...

I still can't go to Sephora store because it was one of her fave stores..
..
Past few days I have been trying to go into stores. I get in and then get out as fast as possible. I just drive around from parking lot to parking lot and take deep breaths in.....
It is very hard to pass girls department in Target, or wall mart, or Childrens place and justice. Stores are full of cute and adorable girl clothes, and RIGHT NOW, Reginas favorite styles are in...

Anyway.. I do laugh, and smile and go to places and bars. But it is different. My worry is replaced with Missing her. Before I worried constantly when I left her with sitters, NOW I miss this worry. We humans are hard to please..

Anyway...
I want to thank few people about Making Reginas Life Celebration special.
FIRST--- O'COnnor Mortuary..- Reginas Make up was amazing. SHE looked so "alive", so peaceful, so calm. SHe looked almost.. .. Alive... And to see REgina like that I knew she was well cared for.

I also want to thank Risa . SHE IS AMAZING. Thanks to her Tent number 2 looked "Very Regina". Pink, balloons, funeral program, Reginas Buttons. SHE is the one who helped with My vision, and SHE DELIVERED IT!!!! Thank you Risa. ALso, she is one of the most talented woman's I know. Whatever she does is PERFECT- Her face paintings, Her glitter tattoos, her weddings, and now Funerals.... I don't know how she does it, but she does it well... :) Thank you Risa:)
http://www.colorfulfaceart.com/aboutorangecountyfacepainter.html

Also, Talbert Family Foundation has been very, very helpful over past few years. :) Julie Talbert has been collecting all your helpful donations and sending them to us. Funerals these days are not cheap, and medical bills are still coming in... Blah....
http://www.talbertfamilyfoundation.org/

Thanks to Friends Jennifer and Andrea we found photographer Chad, who we hired to take photos of Reginas celebration of life. We don't have his photos yet, but soon...
http://www.narkchareonphotography.com/

Since our families from China and Estonia could not attend Reginas life celebration, I felt it is very important to get this important event videotaped ( dvd), so we could send copies to Estonia and CHina. . Thanks to chaplain Brad Stetson , Ph.d ( www.bradstetson.net), we found Earl Chesser , and he was the one who videotaped everything. We will get the full video in a week or so. http://corelann.com

AND friends who made Rice crispies, sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cupcakes.

Saddleback Church, who opened their arms and let us use their facilities...

And all of you who have brought dinners over, donated money, flowers, cards, calls, texts, hugs, kisses... Gabriel sitting offers. and more..

THANK YOU :)

Forever in our Hearts

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 02:56:00 +0000

09/19/2009- Reginas tenth birthday.
09/20/2009-- Around 2 AM I woke up. Reginas breathing did not sound right. Something sounded very very very wrong. It sounded like she had lot of fluids in her lungs. ANd her heart was racing. I gave her some morphine and held her hand. I was scared, very very scared.
I gently opened her eye to check her pupils, and her pupils were completely dilated. I tried to keep it together .. But I knew we have not much time with her.

I called hospice around 8 AM and told them what was going on.

Around 9 AM Gabriel wanted to take family photo together. I showed him how to use tripod, and how to set self timer. We all gathered around Regina ,Gabriel set timer and ran to us... HE smiled, and flash went off.... We took couple of more...
as we were admiring Gabriel's photos, I heard Regina taking about 4-5 quick breaths in and one long breath out. IT was like butterfly was flapping it wings.. We all looked at each other,... I lowered my head to listen to hear heartbeat.. but it was no longer there......
I don't remember much after that. I remember texting my friend to get us some coffee, letting my other friend know that SHE is no longer with us.. and then hospice arrived.. Pastor Sam arrived...
I washed her, dressed her, kissed her, cried,.. we all cried... Prayers were said.

O'COnnor Mortuary came around 1 PM. Reginas hands and legs were cold, but skin around her heart was still warm.. IT was so hard to let her go.

I am glad that she is no longer in pain, but We miss her. I am starting to understand why people keep their loved ones on life support for a very long time. I get it. It is lot of work, but that person is still with us.. Selfish... I miss Her so much.

We had a chance to See REgina on Sunday 4.30 PM. We went to O'connor. Regina was dressed up in her Sleeping beauty nightgown, she was wearing her favorite poncho:) SHE LOOKED SO peacful and beautiful. It seemed like she was sleeping. I am so thankful for O'Connor for capturing true Regina and making her look like one.. ... .
It was very emotional afternoon for us. Very emotional...

Reginas Service on September 28th, was perfect. It was beautiful day. I am so Thankful for Saddleback Church and it's employees. They were nice enough to let us use it's facilities even though we were not members of this church.. And I met 2 wonderful Pastors. Pastor Samuel Lewis and Pastor Pat Geraldin. Sadly Pastor Samuel had to travel out of town... FAMILY FIRST :)... But we were not left hangin'. Pastor Pat did amazing job. I have no words to describe my emotional roller coaster on September 28th. One moment I was happy, then I was sad and crying, and then I was calm, and then nothing made sense.

About 580 People cam to Reginas Life Celebration. We had open casket viewing.
Rebekah from Saddleback sang.
Our Friends Xochitl, Heather, Kathy and Dr. Loudon spoke about Regina. BEAUTIFUL WORDS. RIGHT WORDS.
Pastor Pat Read My husbands letter . More Tears..
MOST beautiful moment for me was... When Estonias from Far and Near sand Lullaby in Estonian. "Uinu Vaikselt, Mu lind... ma valvan ju sind.... I sang this song to Regina every night in estonian and she knew every single word ... And at times she sang it with me... During this song I rememered these times with her, her smiles, her hugs, her words... MOMMY, I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS BIG IS THIS UNIVERSE... and when I tried to love her more ;) She told me universe is MORE LOVe...

and then we had Dove Release 21 doves...

And then hugs..

And then Chilis with friends...

I am sorry, I can't write more right now. I can't ... We miss her . Gabriel misses her, Nick misses her, I miss her...
today was Cremation day.. We are taking her home tomorrow. We are going to keep her for a while. Not sure for how long.

I will write about more who were our helpers next time. I am so thankful for MY TEAM :):):):) THANK YOU .
AND THANK you for honoring our wishes about monetary donations instead of flowers. BUT thank you for those who sent flowers. :) It was perfect harmony :)

THANK YOU , THANK YOU, THANK YOU :)

--Forever in our hearts-- UPDATE--

noreply@blogger.com (Sleeping Beauty) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 18:01:00 +0000

Update Sept 22nd. Those who have volunteered to bring Reginas favorite sweet treats, PLEASE MAKE IT NUT FREE- NO peanuts, no WALNUTS, NO PECANS, NO ALMONDS OR ALMOND PASTE-- NO HAZEL, BRAZIL or any other nuts. Treats with nuts will find it's way to trash . Srry guys, Regina was allergic to nuts. I know it does not matter now, but I want this event to be HER Favorite Things.... AND NO STORE BROUGH DESSERTS PLEASE !!!

Mark your Calendars.
September 28th.
Open casket viewing from 3-4 PM. Reginas favorite sweet treats and coffee will be served.
4-5 Service.
SADDLEBACK CHURCH CAMPUS IN LAKE FOREST
TENT #2
http://www.saddlebackfamily.com/site/provider/siteprovider/saddlebackfamily.com/templates/servicetimesanddirections/campusmap.pdf

IN LIEU OF FLOWERS PLEASE MAKE DONATIONS TO REGINA'S MEMORIAL FUND.
THE TALBERT FAMILY FOUNDATION WILL DONATE 100% OF THESE FUNDS TO REGINA'S FAMILY
http://www.talbertfamilyfoundation.org/pages/Regina.html

Obituary is set up on O'Connor website.
http://obit.oconnormortuary.com/obitdisplay.html?id=708509&clientid=oconnormortuary

Our sweet Princess is no longer with us . She took her last breath 9.15 AM, septeber 20th, 2009. She was peaceful and pain free. Forever 10.

We Miss You Regina and We love you forever,and ever and ....