Sunday, May 15

've been often asked: " Diana, how are you doing? How are things? How is your life?" and so on.  But the hardest question I got couple of days ago.  It was so hard to answer, I had to bit inside of my cheek so hard it bleed.  I did it because I did not want to start bowling like a baby . But I started crying anyway.

I was asked once - " Do I ever revisit "THAT" day?" What she meant was the day Regina passed away.  The question itself is great question. But it is the hardest one to answer without tears..

My answer is.  "Of Course I revisit that day. I do it almost every day.   For about 6 or 7 months after Reginas passing i refused to think about it. I only had slide show in my mind about what had happened. I remember us there smiling around her, I remember her taking her last breath, I remember  me looking at my husband and then pressing my left ear against Reginas heart, and I remember  feeling happy for a second because she is  no longer hurting. And then I remember  deep sadness and darkness and fog. Fog, that I could not cut through . Fog , made everything we did look like it happened in slow motion.  
I Remember that everything what  happened that day and forward   , was not How I wanted  it to be. 

Past few months that slideshow is no longer slideshow. I  have been able to allow myself to go back to that day and remember every feeling, every smell, every word that was said , I am no longer afraid to go back  and  I am no longer scared to shred a tear or 2. or more.   I realized that this pain I am feeling will never go away, and me hiding it will not make it better.  I  am no longer afraid and embarrassed  when I have meltdown in some random store  or place because something there reminded me of Regina.  And when something reminds me of her, then the second memory that I get is the day she passed away. 
So  yes, I revisit "That" day to often, but I guess it is mu choice and you can't judge me for it. 

Mothers day this year was hard.  Her last mothers day meal for me was .. heehe..  Was Onion sandwich which consisted of 2 slices of white bread and sliced yellow onion between them.  I just opened my eyes and she was there with her sandwich :D She asked me if I want to eat it right away, but I told her  I am going to do it in a minute. I took a bite to  show her that mmmm... it is good... But .. I secretly  took onions and put them to trash can :D I ate the bread and  she asked again, if I liked it. I smiled again and said .. OF COURSE,   you make the best sandwiches.... 
That was our last Mothers day , and second Mothers day in a row I have cried because I miss  My happy carefree   Baby Girl. 

Thursday, May 12


It has been a while since my last post.  I have been blogging lot more in ESTONIAN,  and I am very active in Faceuebook.   In a way, I do feel like maybe it is time for me to close this blog and leave, but I  can't do it. I wan't to write, I want to let you know how we are and how we feel. Sadly, I don't find that  energy in me to blog in 2 languages anymore. I am choosing Estonian  over English, and if you speak Estonian you are one lucky person.

  Quick update. We still live in Beijing.   At least for couple of more months. We just rented apartment in Hangzhou.  Rental process was a mess. apartment had NO oven, NO washer dryer, NO DISHWASHER, and no Central heating and RENT FOR IT WAS 12 000 yuan ( google it how much it is in your money).  BUT it has gorgeous River views and great layout.
Apartment  comes with NASTY landlord. We  lowered price from 12000 to 10000. Requested Washer dryer combo and OVEN in. She did it. And then told us WE HAVE TO PAY  half of the price IF WE want ti.  OK. No big deal. 5000 Yuan . OK... Next surprise--- She told us WE have to pay association fee??? REALLY?????   WE  argued until she decided FINE, no association fee... THEN she came back and told us that  whatever satellite we want it is 2000 Yuan ( association fee). Well in reality it is only about 300 yuan...   THAT Fing biotch is business woman. We were about to drop out , but then I told nick. Do you really want to start from beginning? Non of the other apartments had oven or dishwasher or dryer in. And they did not have a view like that.
Anyway, we got it, but I keep my fingers crossed that she stays away  OR co operates with us when something goes wrong. Summers in Hangzhou are HOT and winters COLD. ANd she IS one cold hearted bitch who just cares about money....( so do I but I still am better landlord...).

BTW, someone stole our family identities and posed as US on Facebook. I just found out. That 21 year  old is charged with  8 counts of some sort of fraud.  So guys, if you come across some weird website that has OUR faces but not our names, PLEASE let us know.  Right now we know that we were named GIGI, Debra (I think), Nick and Gabe Heart. Regina ( GIGI) was born on January 25th 2001 and died January 26th 2011 ( WOW, she was  still alive  and what the heck was I mourning about ????). Anyway- i think 8 more families are in same deep shit we are in. HOPING FOR A FAST solution and maximum sentence to Crystal van  something.

That is pretty much it.

OH, and I turned 33 on may 8th. I am soo OLD.