Tuesday, September 29

Forever in our Hearts

09/19/2009- Reginas tenth birthday.
09/20/2009-- Around 2 AM I woke up. Reginas breathing did not sound right. Something sounded very very very wrong. It sounded like she had lot of fluids in her lungs. ANd her heart was racing. I gave her some morphine and held her hand. I was scared, very very scared.
I gently opened her eye to check her pupils, and her pupils were completely dilated. I tried to keep it together .. But I knew we have not much time with her.

I called hospice around 8 AM and told them what was going on.

Around 9 AM Gabriel wanted to take family photo together. I showed him how to use tripod, and how to set self timer. We all gathered around Regina ,Gabriel set timer and ran to us... HE smiled, and flash went off.... We took couple of more...
as we were admiring Gabriel's photos, I heard Regina taking about 4-5 quick breaths in and one long breath out. IT was like butterfly was flapping it wings.. We all looked at each other,... I lowered my head to listen to hear heartbeat.. but it was no longer there......
I don't remember much after that. I remember texting my friend to get us some coffee, letting my other friend know that SHE is no longer with us.. and then hospice arrived.. Pastor Sam arrived...
I washed her, dressed her, kissed her, cried,.. we all cried... Prayers were said.

O'COnnor Mortuary came around 1 PM. Reginas hands and legs were cold, but skin around her heart was still warm.. IT was so hard to let her go.

I am glad that she is no longer in pain, but We miss her. I am starting to understand why people keep their loved ones on life support for a very long time. I get it. It is lot of work, but that person is still with us.. Selfish... I miss Her so much.

We had a chance to See REgina on Sunday 4.30 PM. We went to O'connor. Regina was dressed up in her Sleeping beauty nightgown, she was wearing her favorite poncho:) SHE LOOKED SO peacful and beautiful. It seemed like she was sleeping. I am so thankful for O'Connor for capturing true Regina and making her look like one.. ... .
It was very emotional afternoon for us. Very emotional...

Reginas Service on September 28th, was perfect. It was beautiful day. I am so Thankful for Saddleback Church and it's employees. They were nice enough to let us use it's facilities even though we were not members of this church.. And I met 2 wonderful Pastors. Pastor Samuel Lewis and Pastor Pat Geraldin. Sadly Pastor Samuel had to travel out of town... FAMILY FIRST :)... But we were not left hangin'. Pastor Pat did amazing job. I have no words to describe my emotional roller coaster on September 28th. One moment I was happy, then I was sad and crying, and then I was calm, and then nothing made sense.

About 580 People cam to Reginas Life Celebration. We had open casket viewing.
Rebekah from Saddleback sang.
Our Friends Xochitl, Heather, Kathy and Dr. Loudon spoke about Regina. BEAUTIFUL WORDS. RIGHT WORDS.
Pastor Pat Read My husbands letter . More Tears..
MOST beautiful moment for me was... When Estonias from Far and Near sand Lullaby in Estonian. "Uinu Vaikselt, Mu lind... ma valvan ju sind.... I sang this song to Regina every night in estonian and she knew every single word ... And at times she sang it with me... During this song I rememered these times with her, her smiles, her hugs, her words... MOMMY, I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS BIG IS THIS UNIVERSE... and when I tried to love her more ;) She told me universe is MORE LOVe...

and then we had Dove Release 21 doves...

And then hugs..

And then Chilis with friends...

I am sorry, I can't write more right now. I can't ... We miss her . Gabriel misses her, Nick misses her, I miss her...
today was Cremation day.. We are taking her home tomorrow. We are going to keep her for a while. Not sure for how long.

I will write about more who were our helpers next time. I am so thankful for MY TEAM :):):):) THANK YOU .
AND THANK you for honoring our wishes about monetary donations instead of flowers. BUT thank you for those who sent flowers. :) It was perfect harmony :)


Sunday, September 20

--Forever in our hearts-- UPDATE--

Update Sept 22nd. Those who have volunteered to bring Reginas favorite sweet treats, PLEASE MAKE IT NUT FREE- NO peanuts, no WALNUTS, NO PECANS, NO ALMONDS OR ALMOND PASTE-- NO HAZEL, BRAZIL or any other nuts. Treats with nuts will find it's way to trash . Srry guys, Regina was allergic to nuts. I know it does not matter now, but I want this event to be HER Favorite Things.... AND NO STORE BROUGH DESSERTS PLEASE !!!
Mark your Calendars.
September 28th.
Open casket viewing from 3-4 PM. Reginas favorite sweet treats and coffee will be served.
4-5 Service.



Obituary is set up on O'Connor website.

Our sweet Princess is no longer with us . She took her last breath 9.15 AM, septeber 20th, 2009. She was peaceful and pain free. Forever 10.

We Miss You Regina and We love you forever,and ever and ....

Thursday, September 17

:) Regina had a very calm day :) I even told hospice nurse that she does not need to come and see her today:) AND... AND.. AND... THis morning when I was kissing and hugging her and telling how brave she is, and how much I love her -- SHE TOLD ME , with her sweet angel voice-- I LOVE YOU TOOO.... :) AWWWW . IT was great to hear her voice.. so great :)

AGAIN- . You guys-- I am not a supermom. I am just one mom who cares about kids and KNOWS what is best for my kids :). ANd I feel so honored that I am surrounded by loving people like you ::) This week we got some pretty awesome dinners- Native foods, starbucks, Macaroni Grill, home made casserole, costco rotissery chicken and fruits :) OH, and thank you for asking how Gabe is doing :) He is such a Great kid.. I promised him I will not BLOG about him ( he is WAY more private than Regina and I ), so I can't tell you much more, BUT, he is awesome :)

( Regina will be 10 on Saturday) She was born on 09/19/99 And her birthday is on 09/19/09 Pretty cool :)

Wednesday, September 16

( Reginas 9th birthday, 2008)

Regina had a very restful and peaceful night. I gave her Ativan to relax her and morfine to take her pain away around 9 PM. After that I gave her Morphine once again 2 AM and last time I gave it to her was 9 AM. She has been very calm , sleeping of course, but nothing like yesterday. SHE has started sweating a little ( expected ).Last night she spoke to someone few words in her language . Seemed like it was happy talk, tone of her voice was good :) She has not been responding to us at all. But I know she hears us. Once in a while when drugs start wearing off, she hears our voice and blinks more often with her almost closed eyes :) I am happy that she looks so peaceful and is pain free .
( 2009 , couple of days ago) Lifetime Queen :)

( Thank you for praying for her/us), thank you for texting us, and calling us, leaving comments:) I do feel your love and support, I really do :):):):) You all are big part of our lives now:)

Regina will be 10 on 3 days.... 09/19

Tuesday, September 15

Update 4.54 PM. Regina is resting peacefully. Seems like she is finally getting some quality sleep.... Nurse told us to keep her on 6 MG of morphine every hour or so, and if she gets irritable again to give her some Ativan to help her relax.
My mind is blank right now. I was crying like there was no tomorrow, and right now I am somewhat numb.. What is this ? Why cancer is doing this? WHY can't she communicate with us? WHAT is she holding onto? What are we not really getting?

I know you all are keeping Regina in your thoughts and prayers.

Past night was very tough night. Regina was not comfortable and pain meds seemed not to be working. She was very restless and her breathing was restless. This morning I called hospice and told them what was going on. Now I give her 6mg of morphine every hour to keep her comfy. She still has to work hard to breath in, she will have few ok breaths, and then some loud and deep ones.

I hope she is not in pain. She has been sleeping since 9 AM and seemes not, but I don't know. We were also told that maybe today is the day.. we are very heartbroken..

Sunday, September 13

Regina had uneventful weekend. Usual for her. . Sleeping, 6 days no food. ANd max 2 oz water per day.. and even that 2 oz comes out fast... We asked Hospice care about fluids, but we were told that it could do more harm than good. Harm - her brain is not hungry and pushes out all extra fluids. IF we hook her up with IV fluids, her body will retain fluids and she will be very uncomfortable and vomit even more... So we just try to keep her comfy with pain meds and steroids and anti nausea meds..
She is not really responding to anything much these days. IF i ask her if she has a head ache she just says mmhm or mmh( yes). And that is it. I love you sounds like this-- i awu... She is very weak but she looks comfortable.
We had few visitors today. REginas best friend Heather came to see her, and then Pastor Samuel Lewis from Saddleback said a beautiful prayer..

Again- THANK YOU for dinner. Mangia Bene was Awesome and Corner bakery salads were great choice :) Thank you:)

Gabriel is doing ok. He has lot of questions and wants to know everything about Death and dying. I am not really hiding anything from him and telling him how things really are. SO if he says something really bizzare... blame it on me. Bad Diana... No cookie for you ...

Friday, September 11

Things have not really changed much. I know you all want things to get better, but sadly nothing has changed.

Regina is still sleeping loong hours. She responds to us with nods or headshakes. One in a while she will say no and yes. She has told us she loves us when we tell her we love you.

She also has couple of nasty infections. One in her eye and one some sort of vaginal infection. Not sure what kind. Hospice nurse has been coming over to our house every day now to check Reginas blood pressure-- which is elevated lately due to pressure in her brain. We also have night nurse coming over today to deliver antibiotics and say hi to us first time. Other than that nothing much...
Again, THANK YOU FOR FOOD, Emails, Calls, Texts, hugs, and everything else you guys have done for us :)

Tuesday, September 8

Quick update.

Regina has taken turn for the worse. Today she vomited about 6 times, no food. She has lost some weight due to not eating and vomiting. She sleeps more and spends awake less. We just upped her steroids and gave her new anti nausea meds to keep her vomiting down. She does not complain pain, and she is not very responsive. Hospice nurse will come by tomorrow also to check on her.
Reginas blood pressure was slightly elevated also today. :(

I miss her smiles and cute laughter. I miss her hugs and kisses....

Saturday, September 5

Regina had amazing day today :) She moved me to tears :)
She was awake, alert, happy, eating, drinking, going to bathroom . ( In a way I hate these "sudden bursts of alertness" moments.... )...
Also we had visitors and she was talking to them:) Saying HI, good bye, smiling, having almost conversation with them...
You know, have been telling you all about how REGINA LOVES her webkinz, and I want to thank you for sending her webkinz:) She looks at them and smiles... She is happy .. BUT... Today she requested , she wanted to play her Webkinz, SHE WANTED, she requested couple of times... It was very hard for me.. We had visitors over when she asked, and I knew that she is not able to use computer, so I told her... Don't worry, we take good care of your webkinz. It's ok.. I Know I promised, but I don't think I can keep this promise.. To painful..
ANyway.. She smiled and said OK, MOMMY, she said it with sweet , sweet voice. I just teared up right away... Afterwhile she opened her eyes again and said.. NOW, please do COOLGABRIEL.. ( gabriels webkinz).. SO I said again. OK , REgina, don't worry. It is ok. Your webkinz will be fine .. She said again- OK mommy and smiled and closed her eyes.. SHe wanted to do so many things today. SHE really did. She tryed to watch tv, play computer, she SAT UP for an hour, with support of course, she ate MORE than usual, she smiled more than usual, she was really talkative...

AND.. on her confusion moment she told us... She wants to go home now... Well, she told that to Nick.. Iwas away for a second... This all is really, really hard. But she is such an incredible loving and caring person. She never complains, or SCREAMS, or yells... She just tells us what is wrong and we try to take as good care as possible...

Friday, September 4

( September 4th, 1009)

Friday... Not a fun day.. Again, Regina wanted to spend whole day in our bed upstairs. I jokingly told her today, you Regina are very sneaky... DID you just took over MY BED?? her reply- NO MOMMY, THIS IS MY BED NOW ;) For her it was very hard to get those words out. She stumbled and paused few times before she finished.
also , she is hallucinating . She was lying down like always, and suddenly she would smile and start grabbing something.. Not sure what. She grabbed few times and still smiled. SO I started conversation with her.
Regina, are you dreaming? she said yes.
Regina , what are you dreaming about?
I am catching beautiful marbles?
WOW, I told her? What colors are they? Are they beautiful and round?
YES, mommy, they are pretty?
And she would do it few more times and then stop...
To see her do these things hurts. OF course I am hoping that suddenly miracle will happen, she will jump out of bed and say.. WHAT's this fuzz all about ???

Anyway. We tresure those moments she smiles to us, kisses us, hugs us. of course we have to initiate it and ask her if we could hug her or kiss her, because if we do it without her consent, she would still get little upset...:)

Wednesday, September 2


We had awesome day today :) it truly was one very happy and special day. I want to thank you all who came and visited with Regina. I want to thank you Risa for Making pancakes, and Xochitl making the prettiest cupcakes ever :). I want to thank you for hugs, smiles, get well wishes and everything you did today :)
Those who came , did have to climb upstairs and wish Regina Happy Birthday, because Regina refused to leave our comfy bed today. She stayed awake all day, PRETENDING she was sleeping. NOT because she did not like her party, but because it takes to much work for her to keep her eyes open, it is to exhausting for her to sit up and chit chat. SHE wants to , trust me she does, but she just cant. :( After everybody left Regina and I had a little talk :) I told her who came to remind her, and she did open her eyes every time I showed her card or a gift she got. I told her that She is LUCKIEST GIRL EVER,.. and she agreed :) She was most excited about money. When I told her that she got some cash, she asked how much and who gave it to her..hahaha silly Regina :)
We also received one very exciting phonecall. Very unexpected.. NOT in million gazillion years would I have thought that REGINA and I would ever get a call from Ryan Seacrest :) OMFG. I think I forgot how to speak English for a minute ... ANyway. Thank to Diane who worked closely with Ken Baker to get this surprise. Original Idea was to get Regina into E studios to meet some people there, but since Regina is not up for a long car ride, ( she cant sit up anymore) :( we had to cancel on that, and luckily Ryan was out of office tomorrow.... SO instead , he made very sweet personal phonecall for us. He did want to talk to Regina, but Regina is not talking to anyone but us :(. She just nods, says hmh, mhm, ok, yes, no and squeezes our fingers. That is what I told Ryan.. And he understood... later I told REgina who called, and she sayd OK. She still remembers Our AI trip year ago :) Yes, it truly was one special day..
another surprise came around 6 o'clock.. Our other neighbors visited us when I was about to start working out in my UNDERWEAR... ANd she always knocks on my door, when I change my clothes, or work out... Talk about good timinig :) hehe
And Reginas best Friend Heather visited... So today Really was REGINAS DAY:)

Regina is trying to fall asleep. SHe gave me THE biggest hug just minutes ago, and laughed when I told her that, IS SHE TRYING TO KILL ME ? LOVE HER :)
Gabriel had a great day also. His friend visited:) and he got to play with him way after everybody left. No Gabriel complains that his body hurts, since he played way to much... haha

Tomorrow( thursday) hospice nurse will come and bring 2 social workes... we must be special case.... ;)

I will upload ALL pict to my www.caliwitch.smugmug.com album and if you want to get some pics, you can save them full in your computer. If you can't just let me know and I tell you how to do it :).. BUT it may take hours before I get all pics uploaded:)

Many hugs ....
also Thinking about our friend Hudson today who would be 5 years old today
if there were no brain tumors in this world....

Tuesday, September 1

Today was pretty average day. Only difference was REgina woke up this morning, asked to go to bathroom and wanted to eat breakfast and play computer. But sadly... Her left hand is giving up on her also, so she could not do it at all. YOu should have seen her sad face. I almost started crying when she could not play computer . :( She wanted to watch tv, but her eyes could not concentrate and she just closed her eyes and stayd like this rest of her day. She did have few headaches, and I gave her morphine, steroids, tylenol. She is finally sleeping. YES< sleeping. She just wants to lye down and be alone. She did give me the biggest kiss today and told gabriel GOOD BYE, when I carried her upstairs. brrr...
We are going to have Breakfast tomorrow around 10.30 to celebrate her birthday:) Panckaces, macaroni salad, mini burgers .. Just some yummy finger foods :) I am so thankful for people around me helping, bringing dinners, sending warm text :) thank you again:)